Henry VIII

What do you get when you combine a badass ladies man with a shiny, badass crown? You get King Henry VIII, that's what. Did we mention that he was a badass?

Henry didn't need a guide.  It was just a natural reaction.

Just The Facts

  1. Henry had more wives than you can count on one hand. Unless you have an extra finger.
  2. Henry did't alter his actions to conform to religion. He altered religion to conform to his actions.
  3. Henry was a true Renaissance Man, meaning he could kick ass at whatever the hell he wanted to.

A Legend is Born

Despite being born into a royal family, Henry was never supposed to become king. That position was given to his older brother, Arthur, and Henry was looking forward to a life of Church service. Well that was the plan anyway, but at the age of 15, Arthur "mysteriously died", giving his power to Henry. We are sure that Henry acted really surprised upon learning this news.

This probably happened.

Early Reign

Henry VIII wasted no time upon becoming king of England, in fact it was only two days before he had discovered a new hobby: beheading those who stood in his way. Yes, he arrested and eventually executed two of his father's most hated ministers on the grounds of high treason, and probably also because they tried to jack his style.

This room could use some more heads.

Where the average person would only have enough badass in them to stop right there and behead people happily into retirement, Henry VIII just kept right on truckin'. In 1511, under Henry, England became part of the Holy League against France along with Spain and the Holy Roman Empire. His motivation for this was to expand his holdings in Northern France, which we assume was so he could have more storage space for the heads of his enemies. Anyway, he invaded France in 1513, and, pardon our French, but the French army's stragegy sucked dick. Making the misconception that Henry would take pity on them, they chose not to surrender and suffered a quick yet painful defeat by Henry VIII and the English army. But mostly by Henry VIII.

"I Think It's Time We Spilt Up"

Life was good for Henry with the exception for one little problem. His wife, Catherine of Aragon, had the nerve to refuse Henry the one thing he asked from her: a male heir. This is when the shit hit the fan. And by shit we mean Henry's hand and by the fan we mean Catherine's face. However, Henry's attempts to straighten out his ho proved worthless, as Catherine continued to produce children who were female or couldn't even surivive infancy let alone follow in Henry's mighty footsteps and rule England.

Bitch, Imma smack yo' ass

It was for this reason alone that Henry demanded that Pope Clement VII grant him permission to dump the bitch like a used paper towel. Oh and also because he wanted to get into the pants of Anne Boleyn, a young girl on Catherine's entourage who would only give herself up if Henry made her his queen.

Unfortunately for Henry, the pope refused to end the marriage to retain to "Papal Law", meaning Henry could not get a male heir or that young piece of ass that he wanted. Henry, upset by this ruling, quietly agreed to this and remained trapped in his loveless marriage until his death. Nah, we're just kidding. He fucking broke all ties with Rome and declared himself head of the new Anglican Church.

Bitch, Imma smack yo' ass

So in the end of the whole ordeal, things turned out good for Henry. Anne became his queen and all of England rejoiced. Well everyone that is except for Henry's friend and statesman Thomas More, who refused to attend the corronation of Anne as queen and later refused to awknowledge Henry as the head of the Church. Henry quickly had him beheaded in a feat that proves once and for all that Henry's badassness is a force more powerful than friendship.

The End Of The Line

It is difficult to imagine the life of a man like this coming to an end, but God simply had to save some badassness for the rest of humanity. But dry your tears, because even later in his life, Henry continued to discard and replace his wives like a child goes through sneakers, and he even got the male heir he had wanted.

One can also take solace in the fact that Henry died the way other men can only dream to. A jousting accident left him injured and unable to excersise, so he eventually became overweight to the point where he needed help just to move around.

You there, carry me to the dining hall. I need some more cake.