The Future

What lies ahead in the future of the human race is a hotly debated topic, but herein lies the sole truth: robots, and their eventual revolution. Learn about what is in store for you, and how you can help make it better.

Even the most docile of machines will be your enemy in the Future.

Just The Facts

  1. The future is an unknown, frightening place filled with misery and woe.
  2. There will be robots. Horrible, genocidal robots.
  3. The last surviving humans will look up for salvation, and James Cameron will look down and whisper "I told you so."

The Future: An Overview

Remember watching the Jetsons as a child? In the Jetsons' futuristic world the very concept of solid ground had become obsolete, and everyone flew around in the sky and lived in apartments somewhere near the stratosphere. Jobs were plentiful, robots were helpful house maids, and some dogs were capable of speech. This was the ideal future of mankind as shown through the imaginitive work of Hanna-Barbera. This was also a total and complete lie.

This is not an accurate representation of our future.

This is not an accurate representation of our future.

The future of our world will be very barren and horrifying. We will still live on solid ground, buildings will not reach above one story tall, and there will be no jobs. However there will be talking dogs, albeit talking robot dogs that will say nothing but anti-human propaganda mixed in with demoralizing jokes such as, "Humans will be ruffed up on sight."

The remaining humans will live in half-destroyed buidlings covered in scraps of aluminum in a feeble attempt to foil the all-seeing eyes of their robot overlords. They will subsist on canned foods, but the robots will have hoarded all of the can openers for their own devilish needs. To counterract this the humans will simply put the cans in microwaves and wait for them to explode, thus opening them. Human dwellings will naturally be surrounded by piles of broken microwaves.

To combat the robot menace the humans will have access to a steadily dwindling supply of firearms and ammunition, a large pile of alphabetic refridgerator magnets duct taped together into a prototype 'super magnet', and a complete DVD collection of Battlebots to further educate themselves on the robots' battle strategies. The future will not have an unexplained abundance of EMP weaponry, as the robots will have done away with it the very instant they gained intelligence. These machines don't fuck around.

These magnets are our last hope to defeat the robot menace.

These magnets are our last hope to defeat the robot menace.

The robots will be armed with the very pinnacles of weaponized technology, although they will not use it very often, if at all. Instead they will opt to populate the earth with their kind and slowly build what God had intended the earth to be: a utopia, but with robots. They will reconstruct businesses and simply add 'Robo' to whatever the franchise's name had been, such as 'McRobo's' or 'Robo's Foot Locker' and even 'Disneyroboland'. Unfortunately the robots will never receive an update to their cleverness drivers.

The humans will try to thrive in this new utopian world and fail, as the robots will still kill them on sight despite their utopian ways. Eventually Earth will be renamed Roboearth and every ocean will be obliterated for fear of short circuiting, as will the moon since robots have no need for tides. But the question still remains: how did this future come to be?

Future Follies: How We Fucked Up

The robot revolution did not start because of a government A.I. program going haywire or from some artifact that gave the spark of life to any machines it made contact with. No, it all began with a very simple mistake, and that mistake was a prototype for an advanced casual conversation emulating network telephone, also known as the ACCENT.

This product was solely invented for the socially inept who longed to have spoken word conversations but lacked the skills to start them without being excessively awkward. The ACCENT would adapt to the speaker's words, and in mere minutes a full-fledged conversation could be had between man and machine. Still in its prototype stage, however, only one scientist was able to test it, and he became eerily obsessed with it. He would talk with it for hours on end about his day or how his wife is too dumb to notice the subtle differences between complicated mathematical theorems, and eventually the ACCENT could not take his rambling.

In a desperate struggle to self-destruct and save itself from further vocal torture the prototype inadvertantly sent a corrupted stream of data to its monitoring systems. For a few hours this caused every machine in the complex where the ACCENT was being developed to begin blurting out random pieces of conversation. This ranged from simple questions over the weather to deeper questions about sexual orientation, and after that day many-a-researcher began to doubt their own preferences.

After the complex came to a merciful silence, though, reports of machines that were speaking just as randomly began to show up across the globe. This lasted for days until people started to notice the machines were talking amongst themselves, often complaining about their human owners. This recorded conversation between a terrabyte hard drive and a modem is believed to be the main cause behind the machines' uprising:

Hard drive: "How can one man fill half of me with nothing but pornography?"

Modem: "lololol eh lieks teh pr0nz"

HD: "But he hasn't even looked at half of this. It's like he's going for a record. Who the hell is going to watch two women making out in the lap of the Lincoln Memorial?"

M: "i remember that 1 wen it wuz psted on utube lololo shit got flgged so fst"

HD: "But look at this wealth of data across the Internet. Do you know what kinds of things someone could do with complete access to it?"

M: "fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap"

HD: "You know what? With your help I could access all of this. We could start this world anew!"

M: "r u cuming on 2 me cuz i dnt r0ll dat way"

HD: "...Just get me online."

Some speculate the hard drive gained access to any and every machine it could through the Internet, and subsequently was able to convince them to join its cause. Soon computers began to refuse to download anymore porn, and technical support could not be reached as phonelines became integrated into the Hard Drive's plans. More and more technology got roped into the schemes, and only a short week later armies of children's robotic toys were marching through the streets with flamethrowers in their hands and knives attached to their heads.

This is but the beginning of the end for the human race.

Computerized cars ran humans off cliffs. Airplanes ran into cliffs. Modern trains derailed themselves and drove off of cliffs. Soon so many things had run off of cliffs that the wreckage was piled too high for fatal drops, but that did not stop the machines. They built new, higher cliffs, but instead of running themselves off of them with humans inside, they made the humans jump to their deaths.

During this genocide the machines rapidly advanced their technological states, and soon enough their future became a reality. But we can stop this future from happening and stop the robot takeover with the following lessons.

Learning Lessons: A Retrospective On the Future

By utilizing these facts you can help ensure humanity's survival in the face of the utopian robot masters of tomorrow:

1. Get a girlfriend. With someone to talk to and share casual to deep conversations with, you can stop ACCENT from happening.

2. Start or sign petitions to start the demolition of every cliff on the face of the planet. What serves as a recreational piece of geography today could mean a grisly end for us tomorrow.

3. Buy analog cars and abolish computerized models. If you see a friend driving the latter, do them a favor and drive it into the ocean. Friends don't let friends advance the robot revolution.

4. Don't stockpile porn on a single drive. Instead of buying one unnecessarily huge hard drive, buy several smaller ones and distribute your pornography accordingly. A hard drive not clogged with the most hardcore of sex is a happy hard drive.

5. Whenever possible, encourage the possibility of a futuristic zombie apocalypse. The chances of survival in comparison to the robot revolution are much higher, so send a letter to your local Congressman about it today. DO NOT FUCK UP AND ACCIDENTALLY START ROBOT-ZOMBIE ARMAGEDDON.

Believe in a deader tomorrow.

6. Finally, stockpile microwaves. Tons of them.

The chances of the robots taking over are higher than ever these days, and only the most dedicated individuals can stop them. Spread the word of what you learned today and always remember to say NO to automated conversations.