Salem Witch Trials

The Salem Witch Trials were the reasoned response of sober rational adults, who one day said, "Enough is enough! We have had it with these motherfucking witches in our motherfucking colony!"


Just The Facts

  1. The Salem Witch Trials actually refers to a group of trials held in Salem Village, Ipswich, Andover, and Salem. It's just that Salem had the best PR department. Plus, "The Ipswich Witch Trials" sounds like an Abbott and Costello routine.
  2. The trials successfully killed 25 witches and warlocks. It is believed a couple of genies were also roughed up and told to leave town.
  3. Increase Mather (which is a name and not a typo) said of the trials, "It were better that Ten Suspected Witches should escape, than that the Innocent Person should be Condemned." This holds the record as the most non-sensical commonsense thing anyone has ever said.

Cracked on The Salem Witch Trials

You know how kids like to run around and say crazy things? You do? Well then you are smarter than a Puritan. The Puritans believed they could raise decent God-fearing genital-hating future Puritans by systematically removing all fun from their childrens' lives. Boys were put to work as apprentices and girls were taught to wait hand and foot on anything that wasn't a girl.

So in 1692 when 9-year-old Betty Parris, 11-year-old Abigail Williams, and 12-year-old Ann Putnam started running around and saying crazy things, the Puritans flipped their wigs.

A surprisingly stable looking wig.

After fixing their wigs the Puritans decided to solve this calmly and rationally. They consulted a doctor. The doctor, not finding anything to be physically wrong with the girls, did what any good doctor would do upon reaching an impasse, he suggested the cause to be "bewitchment".

"Hmmm...Maybe Voodoo?"

Hearing this, the Puritans wigs flipped, did a round-off double back handspring, and burst into flames. Thus, began the very earliest and second most tragic version of Kids Say the Darndest Things.

"I saw Goody Osburn with the Devil!"

The children, being the good, honest Christians that they were, did the noble thing and immediately blamed the only person of a different race they knew, Tituba.

Actually Tituba's race is unknown, other than it was non-white.

The Puritans proceeded with caution and beat the bejeezus out of Tituba, until she confessed to being a witch (see torture works). Not only did she confess, but, in order to save her own hide, she blamed her bewitchment on two other women. They were:

Sarah Good, one of the more impoverished women of the village, who was known to beg for food.

And, Sarah Osbourne, who was known to have been intimate with her indentured servant.

This began a chain reaction of level-headed Puritans beating the holy-heck out of other Puritans, who would in turn confess and blame other Puritans, who would confess and blame other Puritans, and so on, and so on. Until finally by the last trial in May of 1693, 150 people had been tried and convicted of witchcraft, 25 of which had either been killed or died in prison. And, that is why America is witch-free to this very day!

Well... almost.