Nascar Safety
NASCAR views safety systems the way a child views green vegetables. Except way more stupid, since the child is not hurtling towards a wall at over 100 miles an hour with only asparagus to protect them.
Just The Facts
- NASCAR consists of driving in a small circle several hundred times, which people somehow screw up. Possibly through boredom.
- NASCAR drivers are paid up to $200 every time they turn left, and scraped onto a stretcher every time they don't.
- Systems built to keep NASCAR drivers (and fans) alive are a worse attack on evolution than Intelligent Design.
Adoption of Safety Systems
NASCAR adopts a "martyr" approach to safety: At least one famous person has to die to get each even the most elementary safety measure adopted.
Device: SAFER (Steel And Foam Energy Reduction) barrier walls.
Martyr: Dale Earnhardt
Death: Slammed into extremely un-SAFER walls.
Comment: First proposed by a NASCAR engineer 30 years before Earnhardt's death, indicating there may be some slight room for improvement in NASCAR's attitude toward safety.
Device: Fire retardant suits.
Martyr: Edward "Fireball" Roberts
Death: Burned to death.
Comment: Yes, he had that nickname before the accident. Yes, that does mean that God is both a bastard and watches NASCAR, so good luck with heaven, y'all!
Device: Engine-stopping kill switch
Martyr: Adam Petty
Death: Killed by engine not stopping
Comment: We really want to make the world's worst-tasting pun here, but it's more fun if you think of your own.
Device: HANS (Head And Neck Safety) Brace
Martyr: Tony Roper, Kenny Irwin, Neil Bonnett, John Nemechek, Blaise Alexander, J.D. McDuffie, Clifford Allison, contributed to Adam Petty, Dale Earnhardt
Death: Trauma to head and neck caused by slamming a goddamn car into a wall.
Comment: Finally adopted 20 years after its invention because of nine deaths. Six of them within two years. There are rogue bands of mercenary desperadoes with nothing to lose who have lower casualty rates.
Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks.
ReplyNASCAR.
This is 100% THE classiest article on Cracked.
ReplyOh wait, you can't detect sarcasm on the internet.
I think the "Engine Kill Switch" is a Petty issue in the grand scheme of things. I mean, more people die in their bathrooms (wet floors and other hazards) in a typical U.S. day than NASCAR drivers killed by unstoppable engines, right?
Reply[Just so y'all know, I am generally in favor of safety precautions—as long as they don't interfere with fun—but I just HAD to take a devil's advocate position on this Cracked forum.]
Drunk or not, how the hell do people find NASCAR entertaining?
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replieswaiting for the accidents.
that was gonna be my answer Racer i dont watch nascar if possible but i might flip past it to see is s**t got real
That shit's always on the evening news highlights of sport though. Why watch several hours of boring s**t when someone else is paid to cut it down to the crashes for you?
You guys must by karl edwards fans
Eh, all the people I know who enjoy it are really into cars, and can talk really intelligently about the different cars and drivers and why they changed this or that. To me, it's just people going round in circles, though.
First of all, do you know what NASCAR stands for? National Association of Stupid Crackers and Rednecks! Secondly, if you truly wants some racing action with some risky undertakings, do it on the highways and freeways of this great nation and don't tell anyone about the races. Then, going 200mph on the open road will freak the f**k out of all the unsuspecting fellow drivers!
ReplyYeah, it could also f*****g kill people.
Hello Mr. Deisel, why do you screw up every movie you're in with a sequel?
This HANS thingy comes from Formula 1, that also uses the same way of adopting saftey changes. This particular device came about after the accident of Mika Hakkinen
ReplyActually Formula 1 is pretty safe. Also, people turn LEFT.
f*****g Redneck bastards!
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LMFAO!! I'm a NASCAR fan -Go Jimmie Johnson - and I thought this was friggin hilarious!!
ReplyNot to mention the rednecks that throw empty Beer cans at drivers:
Replyhttp://www.blitzcorner.com/NASCAR/jeff-gordon-gets-beer-bombed-at-talladega
Maybe the next topic should be
Reply'SHIT-FOR-BRAINS FOLKS WHO TAKE THIS STUFF WAY TO SERRIOUSLY'
Honestly. IT. IS. A. FUCKING. COMEDY. FUCKING. WEBSITE. GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. YOU. PACK. OF. INBRED. BIGOTED. DOUCHETARDS.
FUCK. OFF
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This is a comedy website, you dumbasses, so there's probably no need to throw a huge poofy tantrum over it! Shame on ye. I'm probably younger than you, but I'm way more mature. It's not racist, or Hateful, or illegal so get the f*****g hell over it!
ReplyWhat the f**k did that have to do with anything? Also, "poofy"?
i like nascar and i'm not a hick.
ReplyThis is a paradox, why don't you just divide by track and see if the world ASPLODES?
now i'm either missing the point or reading into this too deeply but is that "intimidation of the wall" line a reference to dale earnhardt's nickname? if so, it is hilarious on a whole new level. if not, it should be.
Replyand nascar fans...don't chop off my legs to make yourself feel taller you mouth breathing c**k nazis.
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If they had to do a mid-track 180 and change direction every 5 laps, then it'd be interesting. Also, if they were attached to caravans. The sport will be called KICKASSCAR. Acronym pending.
ReplyHonestly, NASCAR is the one thing on TV that you wait for it to come back on to use as a bathroom break, unlike other shows where you wait for the commercials.
Replybullshit! i felt the world get lighter
ReplyQuite honestly I think $0.25 is a bit generous...
Reply