Kimbo Slice

Kimbo Slice is bad. Really, really bad. So bad in fact that if he was any badder, he'd be running around empty subway stations with dancing gangsters, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and saying things like "Your butt is mine" and "Ja-mon"

Don't make him tell you once again who's bad...

I mean, Jesus is cool and everything, but.....

This picture is kind of like putting a nuke on a tank: It looks silly but it'll kill you twice as fast.

Just The Facts

  1. He can eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast, if necessary, but prefers Golden Grahams.
  2. He was arrested in 2002 for carrying a concealed weapon. He is never again allowed to wear gloves in the wintertime.
  3. Played the character "Bludge" on a Drake & Josh Christmas special. Millions were disappointed at the nonviolent, yuletide results.
  4. His real name is Kevin Ferguson. Apparently, he too is Fergalicious.
  5. Like George Forman, he had limited ideas when naming his many children. Here we have Kevin, Kevin, and Kevina, as well as Kassandra, Kiara, and Kevlar. That's right. Kevlar. No word yet on his bullet-stopping abilities.
  6. Just one loss from Kimbo put an entire company out of business.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Elementary School)

Imagine, if you will, a sunny day in South Florida, circa 1987. The local bully of Bel-Air Elementary is about to make the biggest mistake of his young life. Seizing the opportunity to be a dick, the bully starts messing with some puny kid. But in a cruel twist of fate, this kid counts Kevin Ferguson among his friends.

I'MA KILL IM TILL HE DEAD!!!

Now, Wikipedia does not elaborate on the fight itself but I like to imagine a rage filled, Incredible Hulk-like transformation in Kevin as he became Kimbo. I will also assume that young Kimbo left several fist-sized craters in the bully's face, beat him so hard his mama felt it, and stomped a mudhole in his ass and walked it dry. It remains unclear how far into next week the bully's ass was kicked.

Mr. Kimbo Risin'

In the years that followed the birth of his bloodlust, Kevin yearned to find an outlet for his face-smashing talents. Citing a lack of Leonidas-style opponents to brawl with, Kevin played football for the University of Miami. Kevin's flirtations with football were short lived, however. The sport was simply not skull-bashingly brutal enough. I mean, they wear protective helmets and pads, for Chrissakes.

Come on and hurt each other, you big babies!

He even tried his hand at studying criminal justice, but it took only a year and a half of totally lame and boring book reading for Kimbo to know that the only criminal justice he'd ever have to be concerned about could be dished out with them big ol' soupbones of his. In a different world, in a different time, Kevin Ferguson would have simply been the alter ego of vigilante night-time superhero Kimbo Slice: The Dark Dark Night.

Instead, Kevin took all his strength and know-how and became involved in the biggest, most lucrative business in America: pornography. Now, before you go changing the "SafeSearch" setting on Google Images (you pervs), understand that Kimbo is a shrewd businessman...which is why we even know his name in the first place. Instead of gettin' it on for the camera, he protected the people who did. This was all fine and good until one day when somebody realized that Kimbo was, and I'm paraphrasing here, "big as fuck" and would do better off beating bodies instead of simply guarding them. The Internet community instantly agreed.

"I should have stayed in school"--Guy on the Right.

For his first taped backyard-bareknucle brawl, Kevin adopted the moniker "Kimbo", because there's nothing quite as touching as waxing nostalgic over your childhood nickname while mercilessly whoopin' some ass. After the fight, Kimbo's first victim looked like he went through a meat grinder. His bloodied, cut up face is what caused the 6 million Youtubers who watched this fight to add the surname "Slice".

Lesser men would have been satisfied with their theoretical millions earned with the Internet and called it a day. At the very least, Kimbo Slice would have been a shooting star in the universe of online celebrity. But when Kimbo realized that beefy fighters in professional Mixed Martial Arts leagues were getting paid in real money having nothing to do with babysitting porn stars, he found his true calling.

Kimbo Kontroversy

As soon as Kimbo Slice began to make his way into the professional world of fighting, the hater-ade began to flow. People hidden safely behind their computers starting talking trash on Kimbo at an alarming rate in comment sections and blogs. The Internet was turning on its Gladiator Hero.

"OMG Kimbo SUX! LOL, LMFAO, ROFL, TTYL"

While always keeping his eye on a contract with the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Kimbo bided his time with lesser-known MMA organizations. He burned through opponents like Snoop Dogg burns through blunts until one day, a golden opportunity arose. Kimbo got himself a fight with legendary (and waaaaayyyy past his prime) fighter Ken Shamrock. It was perfect. Shamrock, who became famous in the UFC, left for professional wrestling and came back to the UFC at the age of 86, would collide with a legend in the making on his way up the ladder. The buzz was strong for this fight. Although UFC president Dana White had been quoted many times saying Kimbo would never make it in the UFC, it seemed like a victory over Shamrock could secure his spot in the big leagues.

But it was not meant to be. Only hours before the fight, Shamrock got a cut above his eye and had to withdraw. This is a nice way of saying that hours before the fight, Shamrock realized he didn't feel like dying. Or that he did a YouTube search of his own and realized just who Kimbo Slice really is. Either way, I picture Shamrock hunched over a bathroom sink with nothing but a razorblade and a prayer.

"Wait, I'm supposed to fight this guy? Fuck that noise."--Ken Shamrock

Elite XC organizers, faced with a dilemma, had to find a quick replacement for Shamrock. They went with fighter Seth Petruzelli. Petruzelli's encounter with Kimbo is kind of like Aesop's fable about the Lion and the Mouse--only instead of pulling a thorn out of the lion's paw, the mouse knocked his ass out in 14 seconds. Amid accusations of wrongdoing by the event's promoters, Kimbo's loss literally bankrupted Elite XC.

While ringing his hands and laughing mischeviously, Dana White issued a backhanded invitation to Slice, saying that he'd get a shot at the UFC if he got himself on the Ultimate Fighter reality show. This was amazing! Kimbo Slice was basically getting the green light from the man who doubted him the most! During his time on the show Kimbo whooped everybody's ass, got himself a six-figure contract with the UFC, and is taking on Brock Lesnar for the title belt at the end of the month! Dreams really do come true!

Oh, wait. Actually Kimbo lost his very first fight and is now off the show. His current goals include trying out for the role of Mr. T in the upcoming A-Team movie, selling Flavorwave ovens on late night TV, and beating down every single Internet commentator who talked shit on him, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back- style.

But at the end of the day, don't feel too bad for Mr. Slice. After all, there are certainly worse ways to deal with becoming famous through the Internet.