Dragnet

Do you watch Law and Order? How about CSI? Well, you wouldn't, if it weren't for the worlds most boring actor: Jack Webb.

Just The Facts

  1. People hate murderers.
  2. People hate hippies.
  3. People hate cops.
  4. Jack Webb felt something should be done about one of these two things (and it's not the two you'd think).
  5. Oh, yeah. You see up there? Where it says, "Just the facts?" Yeah. That comes from Dragnet.

RADIO

Ah, the days before television. Try and imagine it. Okay, now stop weeping and get out of the corner.

You, in the '50s. You big girl.

In 1950, when families would do stuff like gather around the radio and play outside (savages), Jack Webb, the least interesting actor in history, decided he wanted to be a cop without, you know, all the training and shit.

Not shown: Jack Webb's incessant nodding.

The show lasted from 1950-1957, which, if you've read ahead and can do math, means they kept making the radio show six years after they moved to television. To put that in prospective, it's as though you've offered your friend a homemade meal of Cider-Braised Pheasant with Pearl Onions and Apples, and he said, "No thanks. I'll just eat at Arby's. For six years."

Poisoning your children.

THE ORIGINAL TELEVISION SHOW 1951-1959

Jack Webb brought all his buddies up from radio to the television show in 1951. That sounds pretty noble until you realize that the radio show employed five guys to stand in the corner and wear shoes on their hands and pretending to walk with them.

Lighting? No thanks. I don't smoke.

The television show continued the tradition of police cooperation, with all the plots taken from actual crimes in and around the Los Angeles area. Also, this:

Watch this show, or I will brand your ass!

What's more, the show only ended because Jack Webb went, "We're done. Shut it down."

Take a hint.

THE SECOND, MUCH BETTER SHOW 1967-1970

In 1967, Jack Webb saw hippies surrounding him, and thought to himself, "Fucking hippies. I'm making another TV show!"

Son of a bitch! I'm making The New Alf!

Having gone through more partners than a South Carolina governor, Joe Friday finally settled on Frank Gannon, his most popular partner. This show ran from 1967-1970, four seasons of hippy arresting fun. Also, they spent several episodes just dicking around Gannon's house.

Once again, in 1970, Jack Webb decided that, screw this show, I'm out of here.

MOVIES

There were two movies based on Dragnet. One was a made for TV thing with the regular cast. One was a movie starring Dan Akroyd and Tom Hanks, which was most notable for giving us this:

REMAKES

Finally, there were two remakes of the show. First was New Dragnet, which came out in 1989 and "starred" a coke-fueled cast full of no one you've ever heard of. The second was L.A. Dragnet, which starred Married���¢�¯�¿�½���¦With Children's Ed O'Neil. Surprisingly, both lasted two season.

Cancer, miscarriage, L.A. Dragnet, cult, dead. God REALLY did not like this show.