Jello

Like I said, Penis Fappin I mean Denis Papin made the first prototype of Jello; it was the outcome of boiled animal bones. Freakin'... that. It's just pure protein. But this other guy,

Ever since, Jello has had two spokespersons. And BOTH of them are comedians.

AAAANNNND

But now, all their commercials consist of are women dancing around in white clothes and eating slippery cock substitute. Plus a clip of that shit jiggling around in glasses.

We have changed more than I thought.

I found more uses for jello than I expected. Way more.

• Style your hair

Make jello as it is and stick it right into your hair. It'll make it as hard as a fucking ROCK.

• Make marshmallows

Sure, I could tell you how to make it, but then the jellomellows would have to eat you.

• Make wine Jello

Apparently you have to mix one cup of boiling water with one cup of red wine and chill it for 4 hours. Serves four. Sure, kids are going to wait for four hours to eat antioxidant filled jello. Sure.

• Watch plants grow

I thought this one was a bit weird at first, but then I got it. Sort of.

• Scream at it

Just make some jello and scream at it like how you screamed at your friend for asking you your age. It helped this lady, anyway.

• Dog Toy

Find the biggest round container in the house and make Jello in it. When it's done, pop it out on the lawn. Let your dog at the huge mass of slimy cock substitute. If done correctly (HAH) when your dog tries to bite it, it will jiggle. Jiggly jiggly jiggly jiggly.

• Lip Gloss

Looks like Heidi Klum uses Jello powder as lip gloss. Just smear that shit right onto your thin, wrinkly lips and put some vaseline on them. YOU LOOK LIKE HEIDI KLUM GOOD JOB

I'd just like to add that I don't know when it comes off, so be careful or you might look like you just kissed a transvestide. For an hour. On the roof of a car. You don't want that.

I SAVE D THE BEST FOR LAAAAASSST!!!!

• JELLO WRESTLING!!!!

You can Jello wrestle too, just like your mother-in-law at your wedding! (Was she doing that with your mother? Shame.)

You just need to add 2,347 packets of jello into and 8 foot square tub, add LOTS boiling water and chill for two days. Don't have the money or the ladies for that? You could always make your barbie dolls wreslte with each other in 2 packets of jello and some boiling water. But everyone knows that's for little girls, right? RIGHT???

You can make Jello Shots

You just mix whatever liquor you'd like with boiling water then mix it with the powder. Not too much, though. Getting drunk off jello is not a story you want to be telling to your gay brother-in-law the next morning. (Everyone has those, right?)

There are 32 goddamn flavors.

Pistachio
Margarita
Lime
Berry Blue
Grape
Black Cherry
Raspberry
Cranberry
Cherry
Mixed Fruit
Strawberry
Watermelon
Peach
Apricot
Pumpkin
Orange
Pineapple
Lemon
Butterscotch
Banana Cream
Egg Custard
Tapioca
Rice Pudding
Flan
White Chocolate
Coconut
Pina Colada
Vanilla
Cheesecake
Peanut Butter Cup
Oreo
Chocolate

You have to go through HELL to find all of these.

You can make cake with it.

Don't ask me how to make it.

Jello Biafra