The Loch Ness Monster

The Loch Ness Monster is a creature that exists in Loch Ness in Scotland. Some people lie and claim she does not exist.

Dude, she's right behind you.

Seriously people?

Just The Facts

  1. The Loch Ness Monster only reveals itself to those with little to no means of capturing solid evidence of her existance.
  2. Often referred to as "Nessie", but only by her close friends.
  3. Seriously, no one else can call her that.
  4. Contrary to what scientific proof has to say, The Loch Ness Monster exists.

Background and a Brief History

The Loch Ness Monster has been around for a very long time. In fact, stories of this mighty creature date as far back as the 7th Century. It all started with a monk named St. Columba came across the burial for a man who had been attacked and killed by a "water beast" in the River Ness. Now St. Columba didn't flip a shit and the next boat outta town like your average man would. No, he sent one of his own followers into the river, and once the beast revealed itself, forced it back into the waters and commanded it to go no furthur. Of course, being a saint, he gave credit to God for this act of power, but we are sure that the monster was simply forced back out of the sheer terror of seeing St. Columba's biceps.

Holy shit. That guy's head alone could kill 100 Loch Ness Monsters.

After this incident, the monster took a few centuries off to sit at the bottom of Loch Ness, curled up in the fetal position, questioning everything she new to be true. Eventually, however, Nessie returned to the surface to redeem her street cred. In 1933, a couple reported seeing a monster of some kind cross the road in front of their vehicle near the Loch. This sparked a great deal of public interest in the the Loch Ness Monster, and a number of reports of sightings from others, who wanted to bring attention to themselves the monster, began to come in.

However, in 1954, sonar contact with a large object about 500 feet beneath the surface was made by the crew of a fishing boat. The object was able to keep up with the pace of the boat for quite some time before contact was lost; the only explanation being that the Loch Ness Monster was hugry for some fisherman that day.

It's all backed by science...or math, or something.

Once the public found out about this, they realized they would have to step it up a bit. The media would no longer be brought in by even the most beleivable personal anicdotes, or even the "I'm totally not lying, you guys" method. Evidence was the new thing, and oh did the public deliver.

Recorded Evidence

The general population did not give up on their goal to uncover the monster of the loch, even when given the daunting task of collecting actual, physical evidence of its existance. In fact, reports continued to come in as strong as ever, with evidence to support the claims. Some of the most well known cases will be explained below:

The Surgeon's Photograph: Taken in 1934 (yes, this is before the sonar evidence was even recorded), this photo was often used as proof of the monster's existance. It can clearly be seen that the creature in the photo resembles the monster based on the previous eyewitness acocunts, however the graininess of the photo and the lack of surrounding detail caused skeptics to offer other explanations. Scientists even offered the bullshit presumption that the subject of the photo could be something small like an otter.


Well for what is probably the only recorded case in history, science won this battle. The photograph's creator admitted to the photo being a hoax. Turns out it was just a toy boat with a head modeled out of woodattached to it. Shit.

The Dinsdale Film: Shot in 1960 by Tim Dinsdale, this film provides evidence of the monster in the form of a video capturing what appears to be a hump and a head in the water. Of course, the snooty, skeptical asshats made up stories in a desparate attempt to prove the film as false. Upon later enhancement of the film, even some experts agreed that this evidence may very well be legitamate. Fuck you, skeptics.

The Holmes Video: Following in the footsteps of Mr. Dinsdale, Gordon Holmes shot his own video of the monster in 2007. The advancement in video technology allowed for more clear footage and expert Adrian Shine was quoted for saying the video was the "best footage [he has] ever seen". The video was played on a number of television stations, proving Nessie to be real once and for all.* Check and mate.

*Irrelevant side note: Some of these stations aired the video with an intent to debunk it. In fact, Adrian Shine, being the dickhead traitor he is, claimed the subject of the video was not the monster, but an otter or other small aquatic animal. What the fuck, science.

"Scientific Expeditions"

Despite the fact that average people had provided ample evidence that the monster exists, scientists have made a number of attempts to discover the monster using "advanced scientific technology and techniques". As one would guess, a number of strange sounds and photographs were recorded from the loch that could not be matched with any other form of life. Despite this, however, no solid evidence was captured to prove the existance of Nessie without certainty. But think about it, after a group of people spent the last several years lauging at you and calling you a hoax, would you just cooperate with them? No, you wouldn't.

We are going to end this section here. Enough has been said.

The Loch Ness Monster in Modern Society

Today, Nessie remains merely a legend. Despite the evidence that points to her existance, no indecisive proof has been captured to this day. While the population remains split about whether or not the Loch Ness Monster exists, we are sure she is down at the bottom of the loch right now, mocking those who don't beleive.

Nessie has also made a number of appearances in pop culture. Yes, everything from literature to music to television has made mentions of the Loch Ness Monster. Unfortuantely, this includes cameos in not one, but two different disney channel programs, proving nothing is sacred.

Dear God.