Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Part of the ever popular Harry Potter series written by J.K. Rowling, the 6th installment brings us bad wizards, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and of course more Quidditch.

Also, Hermione's in this one.

Just The Facts

  1. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is the sixth book in the Harry Potter series.
  2. One of the darker stories in the series, it focuses more on the war between the good wizards and Lord Voldemort. Lots of people died.
  3. There is also so much Unresolved Sexual Tension. (Which is probably more important.)
  4. As of July 15, 2009. It also became a movie.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince- A Summary

Basically after 5 books of farting around, Voldemort has decided to get his act together and...well...kill people for absolutely no reason. So while he is basically going to town in both the magical and unmagical world, The Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge is unseated and replaced by certified badass Rufus Scrimgeour.

How is it known that good old Rufus up there is a badass? Because Rowling describes him as having lionlike features, whereas Fudge was usually described as wearing purple...and a bowler hat. Even though Fudge at this point has been spending his most of his career at this point effectively denying what is basically the Wizard Holocaust going on in Real Time, it has to suck when even your own author isn't doing you justice, and is basically replacing you with Wizard Obama.

Scrimgeour says "Yes we can (stop Voldemort)".

Wizard Obama says "Yes we can!"

The book begins with Narcissa Malfoy, Draco Malfoy's mother making a "mysterious pact" with none other than Professor Severus Snape. Apparently Draco is charged with a task while back at school and Narcissa fears this will end up killing him, so Narcissa asks Snape to go into an unbreakable bond with her so that if Draco can't do said task, Snape with do it himself. The performing of the bond involves clasping hands while a third party (the evil superfox Bellatrix Lestrange in this case) points a wand at you. This seems to be an incredibly easy thing to do in normal every day life. Like what if Harry is just walking down the street and shakes Neville's hand and promises to buy him lunch then Seamus is all like "Oh hey Harry what's up I'm pointing my wand at you." and then BAM now Harry dies unless he buys Neville a sandwich.

Wizard handshakes kill.

Wizard handshakes kill.

After this we are brought to our hero, Harry Potter, who is being carted around by a mysteriously crispy Dumbledore as he tries to persuade a Horace Slughorn, a retired potions professor, to come out of retirement.

Turns out, the man plays favorites so hard he's worse than Philip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt.

Priests and Nuns are exactly like Harry Potter.

Priests and Nuns are exactly like Wizards.

Also, Snape finally got that Defense Against the Dark Arts Promotion he's always wanted. Only every other DADA teacher before him had to either die, get tortured, or be outed as a horrific outcast for this to happen. Ron, Harry, and Hermione get their O.W.L. tests back, which is kind of like the Wizard SAT's but with an obstacle course added to it, and this is kind of overshadowed by the fact that there is a Wizard Terrorist going around Ron's older brother Bill is marrying a French woman from the fourth book named Fleur and no one likes her because she talks too much or something.

So everyone goes back to Hogwarts. Stuff happens, and none of it is as important as who is dating who.

This year at Hogwarts, the enemy isn't Voldemort, it's feelings.

Also, Harry, midway through the book, finds himself in Final Fantasy RPG. Oh, and a few people die.

However, we seem to have forgotten who.

However, we seem to have forgotten who.

But Cracked...who is the Half Blood Prince?

Honestly, in the full framework of the book...who cares? He's just some dude with and overinflated sense of self who calls himself a "prince" even though he was just some douchebag from a broken home. Through his Potions book notes, the Half Blood Prince allowed Harry to slack off even more than he usually does, since Harry's usual way of studying is just having Hermione do stuff for him.

Don't just stare at it. Work on it.

Don't just stare at it, work on it.

But in the end the revelation of the Half Blood Prince is neither shocking nor meaningful, it's just some sad nickname made up by a sad kid so that he sounds cool and interesting. It's kind of like an internet avatar, but he can't flame anyone.

Fine, it's Snape.

Snape's got mad Potion book hax.

Snape: pictured with his mad Potions Book Hax.

However, this dramatic revelation his Snape's secret Teenage lame-tastic identity was only revealed after Snape killed Dumbledore.

A dramatic re-enactment of Snape killing Dumbledore.

A rare HP6 screenshot of Snape killing Dumbledore.

This must be a horrible surprise to all of you.