Chain Emails

There has been much said about the speed of communication in the current digital age, such as this sentence. One of the most well-traveled forms of current-digital-age-communication is the chain email, the internet's original substitution for word-of-mouth. After all, one's mouth can usually reach only a handful of people at a time, while a few clicks of the mouse can reach every person you may have ever encountered, and a whole lot more besides.

In small doses, say a simple joke about a fun subject, such as boobs, an email forward may not be terribly harmful. Just don't get carried away. Long lists of lame jokes can arouse the ire of those whose time you are wasting, while incorrect attribution of said jokes can arouse the ire of a great man.

And so begins to tilt the slippery slope of email forwarding. You just wanted to pass on something amusing, and now there are pitchforks aimed at your head. Imagine if you had forwarded an even more egregious message, like an apocryphal story about Albert Einstein vs. an atheist professor. Einstein himself <a href="http://www.spaceandmotion.com/albert-einstein-god-religion-theology.htm" rel="nofollow" >debunked</a> such stories in his own lifetime, writing, "It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated." Over 50 years after Einstein's death, the lie is still being repeated, via chain email.

That is the most damnable aspect of digital-age communication speed. In days past, bullshit stories took time to get around, via the afore-mentioned word of mouth, print, and the radio broadcasts of professional bullshit pusher <a href="http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=1394" rel="nofollow" >Paul Harvey</a>. Sadly, Harvey took neither bullshit nor the pushing of same to the grave with him. (That's another one we owe you, Paul Harvey.) Nowadays, that bullshit clutters up your inbox, and it got there instantly.

What bullshit it is, too, running the gamut from the supposedly terrifying to the supposedly inspirational. The story of the guy keeping his wife's corpse in a glass coffee table? That came from a <a href="http://www.snopes.com/photos/odd/lucy.asp" rel="nofollow" >supermarket tabloid</a>. That "Paradox of our Time" piece attributed to George Carlin? The man himself called it a "sappy load of shit", and stated, "I hope I never sound like that." (Adding insult to injury, the actual author of that piece was a gay-bashing preacher who later had to leave his church on account of having <a href="http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19980819&slug=2767353" rel="nofollow" >sexually assaulted</a> several males. Horatio Alger lives again.)

When not trying to lift your spirits/creep you out, chain emails seek to inform. They will clue you in on what you eat (did you know that food microwaved in plastic containers causes <a href="http://snopes.com/medical/toxins/cookplastic.asp" rel="nofollow" >cancer?</a>), secret origins (did you know that using the word "buck" to mean "dollar" originated with <a href="http://snopes.com/language/offense/buck.asp" rel="nofollow" >slavery?</a>), and show you <a href="http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl_hands_of_god.htm" rel="nofollow" >"The Hands of God"</a>. As a result of chain email, your father turned to your assembled family at Christmas time and "informed" you all that <a href="http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/fredrogers/a/mr_rogers.htm" rel="nofollow" >Mr. Rogers was a war hero.</a>Trust us, folks, there's a reason you didn't know any of this (hint: 'cuz it aint true).

As much as those who send you this nonsense deserve to be smacked upside the head for it, they deserve a fist to the face for sending you humor pieces which they claim to be true. <a href="http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/religion/a/atheist_holiday.htm" rel="nofollow" >Atheists' Holiday?</a> <a href="http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm" rel="nofollow" >Good luck, Mr. Gorsky?</a> "You do know this is a joke, right?!" you will scream at the bloody jumble of tissue and bone which used to be the face of an email forwarder.

Consider the <a href="http://politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2009/feb/11/chain-email/bloggers-military-oath-bogus/" rel="nofollow" >"story"</a> about the Obama Administration wanting to change the military oath. An obvious attempt at humor, created by some college kid and posted on his <a href="http://jumpinginpools.blogspot.com/2009/01/military-to-pledge-oath-to-obama-not.html" rel="nofollow" >blog</a>. What you didn't see in the email version was one key word- the label "satire". Those who saw the blog entry and went passing it around either didn't see that word, or didn't know what it meant. We're betting on the latter.

That story got so many goons inflamed because it was socio-political in nature. Politically-themed emails are a popular breed, even the ones (and there are many) which contain grammar, spelling, and punctuation of such quality that they would cause your third grade teacher to recommend that you be put down. That popularity is easy enough to understand- combine the gullibility of the typical internet user with the arbitrariness and passion of their political beliefs, and there is no end to the poison they will swallow. Recall the 2008 American presidential election, during which your mother shrieked, "Barack Obama has three people from Fannie Mae on his campaign staff!" She did so because she believed the <a href="http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/fanniemae.asp" rel="nofollow" >bald-faced lies</a> of a chain email. Your parents are idiots.

"Obama snubbed our soldiers!" their email may cry. "Hilary Clinton helped murderers go free! The ACLU wants to remove cross-shaped headstones from military cemeteries! The Clintons charge the Secret Service rent! Gun control increased the murder rate in Australia!" You get the drift. In order, those stories are: <a href="http://www.factcheck.org/askfactcheck/was_obama_rude_to_wounded_veterans_during.html" rel="nofollow" >bullshit</a>, <a href="http://politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2008/feb/15/chain-email/she-did-not-help-the-black-panthers/" rel="nofollow" >bullshit</a>, <a href="http://politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2009/jul/02/chain-email/no-aclu-lawsuit-over-cross-shaped-headstones/" rel="nofollow" >bullshit</a>, <a href="http://www.snopes.com/politics/clintons/landlord.asp" rel="nofollow" >bullshit</a>, and <a href="http://www.factcheck.org/askfactcheck/did_gun_control_in_australia_lead_to.html" rel="nofollow" >bullshit</a>.

Note the imbalance here. For some reason, right-wing propaganda in email form is far more prevalent than left-wing propaganda in email form. Granted, lefties did a bit of catching up in 2008, with phony digs at Sarah "target of opportunity" Palin, as if the reality of Sarah Palin was not sufficiently ridiculous.

And therein is the real reason why we find chain emails so infuriating. We have to put up with enough real crap already; the phony crap in our inbox only makes things worse. If you tire of explaining this to people, feel free to us this all-purpose response: "I have found a use for the email you sent me. I will print two copies: one to shit on, and one to wipe my ass with."

In the meantime, remember the old adage we just made up: "Those who fall for chain emails have no business accessing the internet without adult supervision."