Sesame Street

Sesame Street is a television program aimed at young children and those of us unable to count to ten. It provides a fun, educational outlet for kids and I SWEAR TO GOD IF THOSE PBS BASTARDS INTERRUPT ONE MORE TIME TO BEG FOR MONEY SOMEONE WILL DIE!

Just The Facts

  1. Sesame Street originated in the late 1960s and has been running strong ever since.
  2. It's always a good idea to trust gigantic yellow birds.
  3. Cookie Monster had to give up his favorite food because your kids are too damn fat.
  4. Don't look at us like that. You know everything about Sesame Street and you know it.
  5. The South African version of Sesame Street, Takalani Sesame, introduced a character with AIDS. No, seriously.

Elmo's World

Elmo's World is a sub-program of Sesame Street that usually plays at the end of the show. It features the furry red monster Elmo, the series' most beloved character as well as the most unable to speak in the first person. The show's short time slot seems to have no effect on it's unfailing ability to sell toys manufactured in the very bottom layers of hell.

O, how it will haunt thy nightmares.

 O, how it will haunt thy nightmares

 

Part of the show is devoted to ridiculing a man named Mr. Noodle, a pathetic mute whose inability to complete even the most laughably easy tasks is met with the judging laughter of five-year-old children. His dignity and sanity surely recede at the same rate as his hairline.

Laugh on, children... Laugh on.

Laugh on, children... Laugh on

Telly Monster

Telly is much less popular than Elmo, despite the fact that he is also red (though many experts argue that he is, in fact, more of a "maroonish" color). He also possesses the most goddamn terrifying collection of facial expressions of any monster on the show.

The many faces of meth.

 The many faces of meth.

 

Cookie Monster

There was a time that children remember fondly. It was a time when Cookie Monster had an unhealthy addiction to the type of baked good known as a cookie. Though it appeared harmless on screen, it created tension on the set. Actors and members of the film crew often complained about Cookie Monster showing up late for unexplained reasons. A search for the Cookie Monster always ended up in his trailer, with a mountain of cookie crumbs surrounding a blue figure strung out on outmeal raisin.

"Me so cripplingly addicted! OM NOM NOM!"

"Me so cripplingly addicted!  OM NOM NOM!"

 

As time passed, it only got more and more out of hand. There were near-fatal overdoses on more than one occassion. Finally, after the turn of the new millenium, a way out presented itself. The rising obesity rates in children prompted the producers of Sesame Street to showcase more healthy eating habits. Cookie Monster would have to quit cookies. Thankfully, after extensive therapy and counseling, C.M. was successful. To date, his diet has expanded to contain food that are not cookies, such as carrots and lettuce, and is still able to enjoy the occassional cookie without falling back on his old habits.

If anyone knows about healthy food, it's Wyclef Jean.

 If anyone knows about healthy food, it's Wyclef Jean.

 

Bonus Fact: If you were to describe a death metal band's vocalist as being akin to Cookie Monster, congratulations! You're an uncreative music journalist!

 

Oscar the Grouch

Oscar the Grouch is one mean motherfucker who spends every waking moment of his life being angry at the world. This is probably because he is confined to a trash can while everyone else is free to move around wherever they want.

"Hey kids, I'm dying inside! Now fuck off!"

 "Hey kids, I'm dying inside!  Now fuck off!"

Bert and Ernie

Bert and Ernie are Sesame Street's only gay couple. Created during the Age of Free Love, no questions or angry comments were ever raised about their relationship. Miraculously, this trend has continued even to the present day. Whenever the happy partners make an appearance, they are depicted as living together, and still there has been no indication of irate parents complaining about their children being forced to be tolerant and accepting of different ways of life.

The Humans

Sesame Street doesn't consist of just monsters. There are a few human inhabitants who populate this seemingly friendly neighborhood. This causes one to conclude that either they are unaware they are coexisting with monsters, or there is something much, much more sinister at work here. These humans may appear to be calm and unafraid on the surface, but one can only guess at what goes on beneath their seemingly fearless exterior...

"I'm living in fear!"

"I'm living in fear!"

Behind the Scenes

If you're curious about what it looks like when the show is being filmed, there are a number of videos on YouTube that let you see just that. Though I'm not sure why you would, because as soon as you see the legless forms of your amiable friends draped over the cold fingers of a human being, the lovable monsters quickly become pants-shittingly horrifying.

For the love of all that is holy, please get your hand out of there!

Please, for the love of all that is holy, get your hand out of there!

Sesame Place

Sesame Place is an amusement park chain where children can go to meet their favorite Sesame Street characters.  It's every child's wet dream, provided said child is developed enough to actually have a wet dream.