Ah, I've always loved Voltaire...

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To believe in God is impossible.  Not to believe in Him is absurd.

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I have always made one prayer to God, a very short one. Here it is: "My God, make our enemies very ridiculous!" God has granted it to me.

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The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.

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The very impossibility in which I find myself to prove that God is not, discovers to me his existence.

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Very learned women are to be found, in the same manner as female warriors; but they are seldom or ever inventors.

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(and finally....)

A witty saying proves nothing.

-Voltaire

"You're under arrest, you son of a bitch!"

   -A Few Good Men


6 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind: 7 "Gird up your loins like a man; I will question you, and you declare to me. 8 Will you even put me in the wrong? Will you condemn me that you may be justified? 9 Have you an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like his?


10 "Deck yourself with majesty and dignity; clothe yourself with glory and splendor. 11 Pour forth the overflowings of your anger, and look on every one that is proud, and abase him. 12 Look on every one that is proud, and bring him low; and tread down the wicked where they stand. 13 Hide them all in the dust together; bind their faces in the world below. 14 Then will I also acknowledge to you, that your own right hand can give you victory.


15 "Behold, Be'hemoth, which I made as I made you; he eats grass like an ox. 16 Behold, his strength in his loins, and his power in the muscles of his belly. 17 He makes his tail stiff like a cedar; the sinews of his thighs are knit together. 18 His bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like bars of iron.


19 "He is the first of the works of God; let him who made him bring near his sword! 20 For the mountains yield food for him where all the wild beasts play. 21 Under the lotus plants he lies, in the covert of the reeds and in the marsh. 22 For his shade the lotus trees cover him; the willows of the brook surround him. 23 Behold, if the river is turbulent he is not frightened; he is confident though Jordan rushes against his mouth. 24 Can one take him with hooks, or pierce his nose with a snare?


Chapter 41

1 "Can you draw out Levi'athan with a fishhook, or press down his tongue with a cord? 2 Can you put a rope in his nose, or pierce his jaw with a hook? 3 Will he make many supplications to you? Will he speak to you soft words? 4 Will he make a covenant with you to take him for your servant for ever? 5 Will you play with him as with a bird, or will you put him on leash for your maidens? 6 Will traders bargain over him? Will they divide him up among the merchants? 7 Can you fill his skin with harpoons, or his head with fishing spears? 8 Lay hands on him; think of the battle; you will not do it again! 9 Behold, the hope of a man is disappointed; he is laid low even at the sight of him. 10 No one is so fierce that he dares to stir him up. Who then is he that can stand before me? 11 Who has given to me, that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is mine.


12 "I will not keep silence concerning his limbs, or his mighty strength, or his goodly frame. 13 Who can strip off his outer garment? Who can penetrate his double coat of mail? 14 Who can open the doors of his face? Round about his teeth is terror. 15 His back is made of rows of shields, shut up closely as with a seal. 16 One is so near to another that no air can come between them. 17 They are joined one to another; they clasp each other and cannot be separated. 18 His sneezings flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the dawn. 19 Out of his mouth go flaming torches; sparks of fire leap forth. 20 Out of his nostrils comes forth smoke, as from a boiling pot and burning rushes. 21 His breath kindles coals, and a flame comes forth from his mouth. 22 In his neck abides strength, and terror dances before him. 23 The folds of his flesh cleave together, firmly cast upon him and immovable. 24 His heart is hard as a stone, hard as the nether millstone. 25 When he raises himself up the mighty are afraid; at the crashing they are beside themselves. 26 Though the sword reaches him, it does not avail; nor the spear, the dart, or the javelin. 27 He counts iron as straw, and bronze as rotten wood. 28 The arrow cannot make him flee; for him slingstones are turned to stubble. 29 Clubs are counted as stubble; he laughs at the rattle of javelins. 30 His underparts are like sharp potsherds; he spreads himself like a threshing sledge on the mire. 31 He makes the deep boil like a pot; he makes the sea like a pot of ointment. 32 Behind him he leaves a shining wake; one would think the deep to be hoary. 33 Upon earth there is not his like, a creature without fear. 34 He beholds everything that is high; he is king over all the sons of pride."

   The Book of Job 40:6-41:34

We've got enough theism vs. atheism quotes.  Move it along.

TOMMY by Rudyard Kipling

I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:
O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";
But it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins," when the band begins to play -
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins," when the band begins to play.

I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";
But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide -
The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,
O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide.

Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.
Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"
But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll -
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll.

We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;
While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind,"
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir," when there's trouble in the wind -
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,O it's "Please to walk in front, sir," when there's trouble in the wind.

You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the soldier-man's disgrace.
For it's Tommy this an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot;
An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool - you bet that Tommy sees!

"this job - indeed all of LIFE ITSELF might just be a BIG FAT JOKE TO YOU PEOPLE but some of us have to PLOW THROUGH IT REGARDLESS

we don't GET BREAKS or VACATIONS or BULLSHIT LIKE THAT

it's just a NONSTOP WINTER PAGEANT of BILLS and DEBTS and MOPPING and NEVER SLEEPING"

  -- Tristan A. Farnon, Leisure Town: Winter Pageant

(*edited by DW*)

It doesn't have any deep philosophical meaning or anything, but it is a personal favorite nonetheless

Hank Hill (King of the Hill), concerning Christian Rock:
You aren't making Christianity better, just making Rock n' Roll worse!

“The President- who is a man that knowes to mannage great artillery- commanded that the peece upon her carryage (as she was) should be abased at the tayle, and elevated at the muscle... then he willed the gunner to give her a full charge of powder.”

-STAFFORD, Pacata Hibernia (1633)

“More than one British newspaper during the war demanded that the anti-aircraft guns stop firing unless they could hit more Zeppelins than citizens.”

- MAGOUN AND HODGINS A History of Aircraft (1931)

“General Rosencrantz, in his report of the battle of Murfreesboro’, estimates... that out of 2,000,000 musket shots, 13,822 told. The result of this valuation is that it required 27 cannon shots, or 155 musket balls, to hit one man.”

-Illustrated London News, April 4, 1863

“If he was not the right type of man, he could not take it, and was soon discharged. If he was, he felt, after having gone through blood, sweat, and almost tears... that he belonged to the finest regiment on earth.”

- MONEY BARNES, The Soldiers of London (1963)

“I had a very stony interview with de Gaulle... It was said in mockery that he thought himself the living representative of Joan of Arc... This did not seem to me as absurd as it looked.”

-CHURCHILL, The Second World War (1959)

“Publish and be damned!”

-THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON

For as long as I've known, my grandparents have had this uncredited and religious-seeming script hanging in their toilet. I've been reading that thing since I was a kid, and even though I'm non-religious, the profundity of it has always blown me away.

---

Max Ehrmann - "Desiderata"

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

This is my personal favorite:

           "Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail"
                                   -Germaine Greer

"I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a grey place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free."
-- Red, The Shawshank Redemption

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
-- Red, same movie.