Holy shit. This is going to be epic in every sense of the word.

NOKOMIS BEATS

Preview: Loyal viewers, my fellow people of this Earth, I believe the Soldier of Choice sequel tournament only exists as a memory.  The events of the epic conflicts previously hosted in this contest have borne a fruit so powerful, so evil, that it threatens the lives of every person and even the very existence of the planet itself.  General Nokomis Beats at one time controlled three magical espers, but radiation and violence have transformed the Final Fantasy monsters into an enormous, disgusting single entity that is consuming everything it contacts and is growing exponentially larger.  Three generals have formed a tenuous partnership to bravely confront the beast, a creature that has been named Leviathan:  Anatomica, who leads in an army of Peter Weller characters; Codespyder, in charge of the Bond/Bourne/Bauer triumvirate of elite government agents; and Verminator, who brings his veteran Dinosaur Marines featuring Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus (Version 2.0).  The fight will go down near what was once the town of Wasilla, Alaska.

Tale of the Tape: The demon has grown to over a mile in diameter, and stands nearly 700 feet tall.  Godspeed, gentlemen.  Your heroic effort will be remembered as long as we are able.


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Early Rounds: The sight of Leviathan is terrifyingly awe-inspiring. So much so, that several of the prissier Peter Weller characters have SHAT THEIR PANTS.  General Nokomis Beats is nowhere to be found, I...oh dear God, I see him.  There are hundreds of bodies in various states of decomposition jutting from the flesh of the beast.  Nokomis is among the dead, destroyed by his own soldier.  Any hope of the general stopping Leviathan are long gone.  The thing will need to be killed.  Somehow.

The banded army seems to be having some difficulty organizing a battle plan.  Suddenly, Verminator's VELOCIRAPTOR group charges, haphazardly firing their HEAD-MOUNTED LASER CANNONS at the unmissable target.  An eye on Leviathan moves across its body to view the attacking dinosaurs.  A small section is detaching from the monster!  The section is dividing into smaller parts, and the smaller parts look to be growing...they look like appendages!  A mass of featureless, gray SPIDER-LIKE CREATURES rush forward to meet the challenge.  The spiders leap into the raptors, tackling them and pinning them to the cold ground.  The spiders are consuming the writhing dinosaurs right into their bodies!  The tortured screaming from the raptors indicate the extreme level of agony they are experiencing.  This is almost too horrific to describe, ladies and gentlemen.  Codespyder's men have seen enough, and they start DISCHARGING THEIR WEAPONS into the arachnid abominations.  The rest of the team follows their lead, and the spiders are slowly succumbing to the onslaught of hot metal and laser blasts.  The Leviathan is reacting like it can feel the pain of the spiders being shot, and it begins to glow a pale green.  I think it is casting a spell!  The creature has summoned an EARTHQUAKE!  The earth beneath our feet is shaking violently, sending most of our heroes sprawling, hanging on to whatever they can find.  An ENORMOUS RIFT has formed, and it is heading for the group!  They are going to be dropped into the newly formed fissure, swallowed by the very planet they are attempting to save!

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Middle Rounds: The massive crack in the ground created by the earthquake is swiftly approaching the position of the hero group.  That bit of bad news is compounded by their inability to move at the moment, due to the ferocious swaying under their feet.  Look at that!  From up above us, descending to the ground like some kind of prehistoric lizard angels, arrive Verminator's "Air Force", the PTEROSAURS!  They are picking up the majority of the group and lifting them into the air.  Bourne, Bond, Bauer, Robocop, Buckaroo Banzai...they can now all add QUETZALCOATLUS PILOT to their extensive resumes.  Unfortunately for Verminator, the entirety of his large soldiers were too heavy to lift, and they are plummeting into the newly formed rift.  T-Rex screams can be heard for miles as they plunge into the abyss.  Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus has been saved, thanks to the combined efforts of three different pterosaurs.

Leviathan turns one of its eyes to witness the army lift into the sky.  It is beginning to glow green again!  The atmosphere suddenly turns a dark shade of green as clouds quickly gather above the airborne saviors.  TORNADOES! From out of nowhere, dozens of twisters drop towards the scrambling pterosaurs, who are flapping with all of their strength to avoid being torn asunder by the funnel clouds.  The nuclear beast is not done! Another section is coming off of it, this time forming into featureless BAT-LIKE creatures, and they are flying up towards the chaotic scene in the air.  Robocop spots this and attempts to shoot them down, but he cannot accurately target them among the fierce, swirling winds.

ANATOMICA: "Fucking hell, we are sitting ducks up here!"

Verminator knows his fellow general is right.  He looks over to his trusted veteran gunnery sergeant, who is dangling from the talons of three different pterosaurs.  The gunny sees his leader, and knows immediately what he is thinking.

GUNNERY SERGEANT STEGOSAURUS: "It's been an honor to serve you, and my planet."

VERMINATOR:  "Your legend will live forever, gunny."

The gunny turns his head to get the attention of his winged escorts

GUNNERY SERGEANT STEGOSAURUS: "GET ME BACK ON THAT FUCKING GROUND, BOYS!"

The pterosaurs drop down and put the cybernetic stegosaurus on the turf close to Leviathan.  A third section quickly breaks off, and the gunny is met by a swarm of spider creatures.  The sergeant is trying to fight them all off while marching towards the colossal monster.  His flesh is quickly degrading from the attacks, exposing his ROBOT SKELETON in several places.  Codespyder sees that the stegosaurus is in trouble, and calls to his guys.

CODESPYDER: "Get down there and help him!"

The spies swoop down to the gunny's position, and jump down to the ground.  It's a whirlwind of MARTIAL ARTS-STYLE SPIDER-LIKE CREATURE ASSKICKING as the three alleviate the pressure on the stegosaurus.  The gunny quickly dashes over to Leviathan, until he is right next to it.  The monster moves forward and starts to consume the sergeant.  The spies, finished with the spider rush, race over to help, only to be rebuffed by the veteran.

GUNNERY SERGEANT STEGOSAURUS: "Men, thank you for your help, but you need to get out of here! RIGHT NOW!"

Before the dinosaur is completely entombed, a faint whirring sound can be heard emitting from him.  You can still see his body inside of Leviathan, and the gunny's eyes are glowing bright red.  Codespyder's men race toward their waiting pterosaurs as Verminator removes a REMOTE DETONATOR from his pocket.

VERMINATOR: "I'll miss you, my friend..."

*click


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The Final Rounds: An ENORMOUS EXPLOSION rips a quarter-mile hole into the side of Leviathan, causing it to emit a high-pitched squeal.  The resulting biological shrapnel fly off in all directions, some of which hit the escaping men of General Codespyder.  Jack Bauer takes a mass of monster goo right to the head, knocking him off of his flying steed, down, way down to the ground.  His body lands with a dull thud on the dirt.  There is no way he survived that.

The bomb has distracted Leviathan enough that the tornadoes have disappeared just as suddenly as they came about.  Robocop flashes the slightest of grins, and begins systematically blowing away the bat-creatures with his BIG-ASS HANDGUN.  The remainder of the Peter Wellers have removed the dinosaurs' head-mounted laser cannons, and are firing at Leviathan.  Bond and Bourne have rejoined the flying army, when 007 spots a disturbing sight on the ground.

JAMES BOND: "Bourne!  Look at that on the ground!"

JASON BOURNE: "You gotta be kidding me.  SHIT!"

They get the attention of the group to show them what they are seeing:  the sections of the monster that were blown off by the bomb are slowly moving back towards the creature, and it is quickly rebuilding itself.

CHUCK TAGGART:  "We need more help.  This thing is too strong right now."

ANATOMICA: "Go get Nedroid and HyperGlavin.  We need everyone for this."

CHUCK TAGGART:  "Yes, general."

Readers, this is it!  The final chapter is next, as the Joycube and the Goatling Gunners join the fight to save the world from an evil monster in Wasilla, Alaska!  Exploding cybernetic gunnery sergeants! Gray radiation spider and bat things!  Robocop riding a flying dinosaur!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Read that the first time was fantastic. Reading that the second time with Lux Aeterna blaring from my speakers rocked my face off.

Oh god, General Codespyder is suffering from PTSD, how will this new development affect the second phase of the battle?

But seriously, holy shit epic.

R.I.P. Sgt. Stego

I'd just like to point out that in the US Marines, Gunnery Sergeant should not be shortened to Sergeant.  This is surely doubly true in the Dinosaur Marines.  I also would like to nominate Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus for various Dinosaur Marine Corps medals.

Well I don't know about you, Anatomica, but I was preparing to riddle the joycube with bullet-holes. If anything, we can trust that cube more than it can trust us.

Well perhaps you'd better sit this one out, then. Personally, I'd rather throw everything that I've got at the Leviathan. because of this, I have dispatched several GlavinCorp chinooks full of my biomechanical troops and am flying towards Alaska as we speak. It'd be unwise not to accept my help right now.

Listen up, you dissenting old women.

The Dinosaur Marine Corps has a proud history. I've seen a sauropod geologist commit kamikaze from orbit in order to deflect an asteroid so that we all could live. He was buried with honour once we dug a hole deep enough. I've seen dinosaurs brave the soul-destroyingly bad lyrics of Soulja Boy so that we could be free of terrible wannabe actors, even though it scrambled their brains. They were buried with honour once our heads stopped spinning. And I just watched a Stegosauroid hero march headfirst to his own death to give us the chance of victory today. He will be buried with honour, once we've picked up all the pieces.

Are we going to let Jack Bauer and Sarge have died in vain? Or are we going to trust one another so that we can bury our heroes, so that we can all go on living, whether you be dinosaur, spy, goat, academy award winner or weird transparent box thing? Every moment we argue is a moment our foe grows stronger. So are you with me?

On board one of the GlavinCorp Chinooks, General HyperGlavin talks to one of his lieutenants over a communicator:

HyperGlavin: "Is everyone ready over there?  Did you pick up General Nedroid and that box thing?"

Lieutenant: "Yes, sir! This Joycube is pretty cool.  He made pie for all of us.  It's cherry pie, but with something else, but I'm not sure exactly what."

HyperGlavin: "You morons! The thing probably just poisoned you all!"

Lieutenant:  "I don't think so, sir.  Jenkins thinks it's rhubarb.  I don't know what rhubarb is, though.  Is it poisonous?"

Chinook Pilot: "General HyperGlavin, you might want to come up front.  We have visual contact with the...fuck, look at that thing!"

Still miles away from their target, the enormous Leviathan is clearly visible.  The monster is groaning loudly, still recoiling from the sacrificial bombing levied upon it by the late Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus (Version 2.0).  Flying closer to the battleground, the other combatants come into view, still perched upon their flying steeds.  The newly-formed deep rift in the ground also can be seen. 

Chinook Co-Pilot: "Sir!  Do you see it?  Inside the crevic...crevass...shit...hole!"

HyperGlavin (looking over his pilot and co-pilot): "You know, I don't recognize you two.  I thought we banned mullets from the compound."

Chinook Pilot: "Sorry, sir.  We're from the temp agency."

HyperGlavin (now looking into the rift on the ground): "Holy shit, there are dinosaurs in there!  And they're moving!  JET PACK TEAM! GET IN THAT HOLE AND HELP THOSE SUMBITCHES OUT!"

Lieutenant: "Should we send the beavers with them, sir?"

HyperGlavin: "The what?"

Lieutenant: "It's a surprise for you.  We know how impressed you were with the Viet Cong's digging skills, so we took a group of beavers and grafted power augers to their faces.  We've been calling them BEAVER HUNTERS."

HyperGlavin: "That's great work, gentlemen.  Let's keep the beavers on board for now. JET PACK TEAM! GO!"

Two dozen GOATLING GUNNERS WEARING JETPACKS depart the choppers, along with a couple of scientists.  They quickly descend into the rift.  The choppers set down on the ground nearby, where they are joined by landing pterosaurs carrying the current battle participants.  General Nedroid emerges from a transport carrying the Joycube.  Placing it gently to the ground, the mysterious little box is quickly surrounded by most of the other soldiers, who are curious to see what it is.  Following closely behind, the "temp" chopper pilots pull off their helmets and reveal who they really are: General Ripper and Brock Samson.

Samson: "Everyone!  Get in close, so I can try to explain what the hell is going on!  You'll have to pay attention, because it's going to get a little weird!"

Before Brock utters another word, an incredible sight unveils from the earthquake chasm:  Cybernetic dinosaurs with jet packs strapped to their backs, flying out of what was thought to be their grave.  Most impressive of all is the Lazarus-like uprising of HENRY, THE AMPHICOELIAS SAUROPOD GEOLOGIST.  The lizards are followed out by the GlavinCorp scientists, but no Goatling Gunners can be seen.

HyperGlavin: "Where are the goatlings?"

Scientist:  "I'm sorry, sir.  They got a little close to the Tyrannosaurs, and..."

HyperGlavin (interrupting while closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose): "Oh, for fuck's sake."

Samson: "EVERYONE! QUICKLY! Get in here! We don't have much time until that thing gets itself together again!"

General Ripper (snorting audibly while chuckling): "You all are gonna LOVE this bullshit."

Samson: "Okay.  We all know that we have to stop that Leviathan to save the Earth.  The key to the whole thing is inside (pointing to JoyCube) that thing.  Batman has been inside of there for weeks, looking for a weapon that can destroy that monster."

Buckaroo Banzai: "Inside of there?  What exactly is in that box?"

Samson (pausing slightly to gather his thoughts): "A universe.  An entire universe."

The group looks at the smiling blue box, stunned into silence.

Samson (cont'd): "There are dozens of these cubes, each one with a different personality, each one containing a separate universe.  They have been around for millions, maybe billions, of years, and they all exist inside of each other."

General Codespyder: "Different personalities?"

Samson: "Yeah.  This is the JoyCube.  There's an AngryCube, a HungryCube, an InsoucianceCube...I guess that's where we all live, the InsoucianceCube."

James Bond: "So, what cube is the Batman looking for?"

Samson: "The WarCube.  We just have to give him time.  We have to slow down Leviathan long enough so he can bring it back here.  Does, uh, anyone have any ideas?"

Henry: "Sir, I noticed during our unfortunate expedition below the ground that the rock formations were rather unusual.  Gentlemen, I believe we are sitting on top of a large underground volcano.  If we could somehow burrow underneath the beast and set off an explosive device, it may trigger an eruption directly below him."

HyperGlavin (looking at his Beaver Hunters): "Well.  What a coincidence."

Jason Bourne:  "Guys, whatever we're doing...we're out of time."


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Early Rounds: The burrowing Beaver Hunters are strapped with jet packs and sent into the chasm, followed by The World's Largest Geologist.  Meanwhile, Leviathan has gathered its strength, and something is emerging from its body.  ZOMBIES!  Thousands of bodies in various states of consumption sprint from the unholy terror and quickly descend upon our group of heroes.  The monster is additionally launching zombies through the air, in what looks to be an attempt to drop them into the hole to chase after the beaver team.

Anatomica: "Wellers!  All of you!  Get in that hole and protect the dig team!"

The Peter Wellers get back on their pterosaurs and fly into the rift.  Zombies are hurtling at them from all directions, and they are trying to deflect them away with laser cannon blasts.    Meanwhile, the running undead have reached the team's position, and a good old fashioned DONNYBROOK has broken out.  Bond, Bourne, and Samson seem to be relishing the opportunity to engage in some proper zombie asskicking.  Leviathan is beginning to glow green, and dark clouds begin to form over the pitch once again.  Suddenly, the JoyCube begins vibrating audibly while blinking odd shades of pastel colors.  Just as quickly as they appeared, the clouds recede, and the blobbish beast stops glowing.  The JoyCube has thwarted its spell attempt!

In the meantime, the power augers of the beavers are a complete success, and their speedy excavating have revealed Henry to be correct.  A large volcanic crater sits in front of them, buried under the earth directly below Leviathan.  Jerry Bender from Mighty Aphrodite has the bomb, and he hits the button and starts the timer.

Steven Beck: "Okay, let's get out of here!"

Jerry Bender: "No!  We have to wait until the last second and then make a daring escape, or it won't work!  We're Hollywood stars, after all!"

The group waits a few moments, before a thought occurs to Beck.

Steven Beck: "Uh, wait a minute.  The wait-to-the-last-second thing, it applies to the star of the show, right?"

Jerry Bender: "Yes!  And we are all stars!"

Steven Beck:  "But...isn't this story...an ensemble cast?"

Jerry Bender: "Oh, shi..."



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Middle Rounds: An EARTH SHAKING EXPLOSION rocks the area, sending red-hot magma quickly pouring up through the tunnel and into the earthquake rift.  Henry, the beavers, and the whole of Anatomica's team have been incinerated.  The tactic, though, seems to have worked.  The ground around and underneath Leviathan is breaking loose, with steam shooting out of several areas.  The zombies are still pouring out of the monster, and the team is still valiantly trying to fight them all off.  A mass of the undead has overwhelmed most of the dinosaurs, who simply cannot handle the sheer number of opponents coming at them.  The pterosaurs have taken flight, where they are being engaged by thousands of the FEATURELESS BAT-LIKE CREATURES sprung from Leviathan's body.  The Goatling Gunners are mowing down hundreds of the attackers, with Samson and Codespyder's men gleefully shredding through the stragglers.

Another explosion rocks the area.  It's an ERUPTION!  The subterranean volcano forces thousands of tons of rock and lava up though the monster, causing an enormous hole to tear into the center of it, and blowing out the top.  Biological shrapnel from the creature sprays everywhere.  The airborne pterosaurs get coated in the matter, which instantly begins to consume them midflight.  The JoyCube begins glowing a brighter shade of blue, and a large HALF-DOME FORCE FIELD appears around our heroes.  The shield is quickly covered in MONSTER GLOP and VOLCANIC ASH, making it pitch black inside the field save for the gentle glow of General Nedroid's soldier.  Suddenly, the top of the blue box opens.  Emerging from the JoyCube, it's CHRISTIAN BALE BATMAN, and he's holding a small, red box!

Batman: "Finally.  I found it."

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The Final Rounds: The troops look over the WarCube.  It looks very similar to the JoyCube, except it is about a third of the size, dark-red, and has a scowl on its face.

Jason Bourne: "Incredible.  There's an entire universe inside of these things?"

Batman: "Yes.  We have to get this inside of the monster somehow."

HyperGlavin: "Well, all of the Chinooks have been destroyed.  The dinosaurs are all dead.  It looks like we have one option."

Ripper: "We have to carry it over, don't we?"

Nedroid: "If we can get close enough, maybe we can throw it in there."

The group nods in agreement.  Leviathan is distracted by the excruciatingly hot lava ripping through it's center, so perhaps they can sneak up on it.  The JoyCube angles up the front of the force field, allowing the grayish monster splooge the run down the back, away from the team.  The ground between them and Leviathan has become a minefield of biological oozing matter, slithering every direction while the beast has been stunned.  The Goatling Gunners lead out, firing their weapons trying to clear a path for the rest.  Batman, Samson, Bond, and Bourne follow behind, and the team is sprinting madly towards Leviathan.  The monster has spotted the team, and it is sending misshapen creatures after them, and they descend upon the group from every direction.  However, before the mini-monsters reach them, they get within Batman's throwing range.  He reaches back and away it goes!  Flying towards the monster...it has swatted it away!  It shot a DEAD BODY at the approaching missile and knocked it to the ground.

Samson: "I see it! I got it!"

Brock rushes over and picks up the WarCube.  He glances over to see the rest of the team being swarmed by the demonic subcreatures of the Leviathan.  The goatlings have been taken down and are being ingested by the beasts.  The three humans are fighting valiantly, still standing while using MARTIAL ARTS-STYLE BLOB-LIKE CREATURE ASSKICKING techniques.  Samson knows there is only one chance.  He starts running directly at Leviathan.  The monster sees him, and sends hundreds of monsters toward him.  Not stopping to fend them off, Samson keeps running, even while getting coated in biological matter that is consuming his flesh.  He has reached Leviathan!

Samson: "I SURE HOPE THIS IS WHERE YOUR ASS IS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

He jams the WarCube as far as he can reach into the body of Leviathan.  As he collapses to the ground, the last thing he sees is Batman as the last fighter standing.  A slight smile crosses his face as the monster dissolves his skin and muscles.

Leviathan suddenly stops, as do all of its minions around the battlefield.  The monster is beginning to turn an odd shade of yellow, and it is beginning to shrink!  The movement is going towards where Brock jammed the WarCube inside of it.  I can see it now!  The WarCube is sucking Leviathan inside of it!  Astonishing!  The tables have finally been turned on the terror, as all of its parts are being ingested into the alternate dimension contained within the WarCube!  The creature cries out in anguish, but it cannot do anything to stop what is happening.  The grounds are clearing to reveal the horrible aftermath.  The half-consumed bodies of Jason Bourne and James Bonds lay motionless on the soil, as do the remains of the Goatling Gunners.  Batman's armor is completely gone, and there are several open wounds on his body, but he is still alive.  The WarCube has finished with the Leviathan, and the only evidence of it remaining is the carnage it has wrought.  Batman slowly walks over to the small, red cube, and picks it off the ground.  He takes a moment to let the events sink in.

Batman: "Incredible."

He takes the WarCube over to the JoyCube.  Nedroid's soldier seems to be giving Batman more instructions.  Batman is crawling back inside of the JoyCube, with the WarCube in hand.  It look like he is going to put the Leviathan somewhere far away from our universe.

Well. Wait...the tournament directors are getting together.  Shit!  I completely forgot about the contest!  They are coming over towards General Nedroid.  His man is the last one alive on the field!  He has been declared the winner of Soldier of Choice 2!





Thank you all again for your support in this silly endeavor.  I hope this ending wasn't too ridiculous.  Congratulations, Nedroid!

The directors determined that you left the universe, so you are considered "dead".  You get screwed by the officials on a technicality.

Sorry, Scruff.