To celebrate my deliciously cunning victory, Jack Bauer will now terrorize a fat kid.

...Nedroid's Joycube is possibly the most competitor remaining,
[/quote]

I agree. He just may accidentaly the whole thing. He just has that kind of power. My money (my parent's money) is on either the joycube (shutter) or the dinosaur platoon. Just a matter of who wants it more.

RIPPER
Preview: We are back, and it is time to find who will be the champion of the Lynel division and earn their way into the final four of Soldier of Choice 2!  Two worthy contestants have traveled the long road to reach this point, culminating in an epic showdown between General Ripper's Murderist Extraordinaire Brock Samson and General Nedroid's otherworldly Baker Extraordinaire, The Joycube.  Our fight today is taking place at historic Turtle Bay in Manhattan.

Tale of the Tape: There is no reason to try to predict anything when that weird cube is involved.  Samson is an absolute monster, but... the hell with it, let's get going!
 

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Early Rounds: It looks like Pete White and Quizboy have accompanied Samson to the, uh, quaint street of battle.  General Ripper's man casually lights up a cigarette and strolls over to where the Joycube is sitting.  Taking a long, slow draw on his smoke, Brock glances up at General Nedroid.  As he has before, the Joycube's creator is completely ignoring what is going on, instead choosing to make colorful illustrations on an artist's pad.

Quizboy: "Be careful with that thing, Brock!  Some kid uploaded a video on Youtube of that thing killing dozens of giant robots!"

White: "Oh, yeah!  But I wish he hadn't added that awful soundtrack to it."

Quizboy: "Yeah, really!  What was that?  Like, Great White or something?"

Samson: "Hey!  Could you two keep it down?"

White:  "Sorry, Brock.  You aren't really going to kill that cute little box, are you?"

Samson:  "Hell, I don't know.  Look at it.  It would be like kicking a puppy."

At that moment, the Joycube begins to play POP GOES THE WEASEL while emitting a small series of flashing lights.  Ripper's man is transfixed by his strange opponent, staring mindlessly at the thing while the child's tune plays out.  Right as the song is about to end, the top of the Joycube suddenly POPS OPEN, causing little Billy and the Albino to drop immediately to the ground, covering their heads.  Brock is suddenly alerted by a missile shooting out of the box...no, wait.  My mistake.  It's a bottle of ICE COLD BEER, which lands perfectly in Samson's hands.

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Middle Rounds: Samson, not being a man to refuse a free beer, pops it open and begins to drink.  He looks over at his cowering comrades.

Samson:  "Relax, you eggheads.  This thing is alright.  Billy, come over and have a look at this and see if you can figure out what it is."

Quizboy cautiously makes his way over to where the two combatants are standing.  He looks inside the cube, and his eyes immediately begin to light up.  Enthralled by what he sees, he sticks his massive head inside of the Joycube, where it promptly BECOMES STUCK.  Billy can't pull the cube off of his giant cranium, and begins to run around in circles, comically falling over and running into various objects.  Instead of helping, Samson and White have joined the gathered crowd in LAUGHING AT THE POOR GUY.  General Nedroid's Happy Box exacerbates Quizboy's situation by playing YAKETY SAX and shooting off multi-colored fireworks while still firmly attached to his head.  After a few minutes, Brock calmly grabs the Quizboy and easily slides the Joycube off of his head, laying it gently on the ground.

Samson:  "Hey, White!  Get Dr. Orpheus over here, maybe he can figure this thing out.  This looks like the kind of crap he would know about."


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The Final Rounds: In a flash of smoke and pomposity, Dr. Orpheus appears on the field of battle.

Orpheus:  "Brock SAMSON!  What is the knowledge that you seek on this day?"

Samson points his beer bottle at The Joycube.

Orpheus (with mysterious trumpets blaring):  "Oh my STARS!  It is the fabled INFINITY CUBE!  What is it doing here?"

Samson: "I'm, uh, sorta fighting it, I guess."

Orpheus (with mysterious trumpets blaring):  "BROCK SAMSON! You cannot participate in a gutter brawl with this creature!  For you see, this blue cube, this smiling messenger, would only be here if it had...A PURPOSE!"

White:  "Well, I saw it eat Christian Bale on purpose a couple of weeks ago."

Orpheus: "No, my friend.  I assure you that the Man-Bat is quite safe.  However, we must not attempt to destroy this creature! (trumpets blaring) YOU MUST CONCEDE THIS FIGHT, SAMSON!"

Samson: "Are you nuts?  I'm not losing a fight to a fucking package!"

Orpheus: "Brock, you must trust me on this. You must allow this creature to finish its work.  (trumpets blaring) The safety of OUR VERY UNIVERSE may depend upon it!"

Samson: "Jesus, fine, whatever, I give up, the fucking beer box can win.  I was getting bored of this thing, anyway."

The Joycube begins flashing a series of lights to the necromancer, seemingly communicating with him.  Dr. Orpheus is taken aback by what has been said to him by General Nedroid's soldier.

Orpheus: "Brock, if what this creature just told me comes to pass, you will not be bored for very long."

The victor!

The Joycube wins by default as Brock Samson bows out without attempting a single strike.  However, I have an odd feeling that we will be hearing from Franken-Mullet again before this is all said and done.  Meanwhile, Nedroid's bizarre box awaits the winner of the Stalfos division:

ILLITERATI vs. HYPERGLAVIN

ILLITERATI
Preview: Greetings, my friends, and welcome once again to the Soldier of Choice sequel!  Today is the finals of the Stalfos division, and it features two contestants whose chances of making this level were highly improbable when the brackets were revealed.  On one side stands the hardscrabble, yet resourceful, Viet Cong guerrillas led by General Illiterati.  They will be taking on General HyperGlavin's army of Goatling Gunners (plus other Doctor Moreau-esque monstrosities).  Both teams scored remarkable upset victories in the previous level, but only one will merit the distinction of Stalfos Champion and final four participant.  Our battle this morning is taking place in Bolivia, somewhere in the middle of the Cordillera Oriental deep in the Andes mountain range.

Tale of the Tape:  As Verminator's preview alluded to, this is a matchup of brawn versus brains.  The goats carry state-of-the-art military technology on their heads but there isn't much going on inside of them.  The VC have outdated weapons and rusty shovels, but they have shown impressive creativity in the heat of battle and cannot be underestimated.  Let's see what happens!
 

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Early Rounds: The early winner of this contest is quickly showing to be the location of the fight.  We are at an elevation of about 5000 meters, and it is bitterly cold and quite windy.  Both teams started on an equal footing until the goatlings began shooting off their GIANT FACE-MOUNTED GUNS .  A scant few of the shots find Asian flesh, but the more noticeable result is that the kick of the guns, combined with unbalanced weight and extreme grade, have caused General HyperGlavin's beasts to TUMBLE DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE.  One of the rocket-equipped Capras has smashed his face into the ground, accidentally discharging its weapon in the process...and there it goes!  Get out your cameras, South Americans.  There is a dead goat hurtling ass-first through your skies at the moment.  The slopes are winning, helping out General Illiterati's Viet Cong army. They haven't even fired a shot yet!

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Middle Rounds: The situation is setting up to be a familiar one for the VC, as they now have the significant elevation advantage.  They are shooting at the stunned goatlings with their CRAPPY OUTDATED RIFLES, but the Vietnamese are having trouble with the cold and wind as well, and none of the shots are even close to target.  HyperGlavin's group has reorganized to some degree, and are beginning to ascend the peak.  Surprising only the dimmest of readers, Illiterati orders his men to DIG.  A massive rockslide quickly ensues, and thousands of tons of earth are rolling down the mountainside towards the...wait a second!  The goats are dodging the avalanche of material, quickly bounding around the danger!  They haven't lost all of their animal characteristics to science, and are demonstrating their innate skills climbing steep terrain.  The Viet Cong will need a new tactic to take this day!


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The Final Rounds: As his militarized ruminants make their way back up the mountain, General HyperGlavin appears to be getting a call from somewhere.  He is yelling for his soldiers to clear off!  He isn't giving up, is he? That would be a tremendous shame.  We...hmm.  What's this?  The skies are darkening.  It's...UNICRON'S HEAD?

Yes!  GlavinCorp wanted to study their vanquished opponent from the last round, and dozens of GOATS WITH JETPACKS are dragging the colossal cranium in from outer space and towards our position.  Illiterati's men are bewildered into inaction, staring at the incredible sight above them.  The head...uh-oh!  It looks like gravity is taking over!  Unicron's Head is out of control, rapidly falling towards the Earth, dragging dozens of tethered goats with jetpacks behind it.  Look out!  The head has smashed violently into the mountain, and it is rolling down the side towards the Viet Cong!  They try to dig holes to avoid it, but it is much too late.  The giant head smashes into the VC position on its way down the Andes.  It is now covered in squished Asians in addition to the still-attached space goats.  The whole weird mess rumbles down the mountain and into the well-populated valley area.   HyperGlavin might have some explaining to do with the Bolivian government, but as far as we go, it's off to the final four!

The victor!

Two down, two to go!  Tektite gets decided next, with what should be a terrific match:

VERMINATOR vs. ANATOMICA

No way can those dinosaurs lose!

This will be my greatest challenge, not only as an internet message board poster, but as a human being.

That was my plan too, but nothing will overcome the joycube. Nothing.

VERMINATOR
Preview: Part three of our semifinals is upon us, as we wrap up the tough Tektite division with what should be a memorable clash!  On one side we have General Verminator's Dinosaur Marines featuring Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus (Version 2.0).  Verminator and his team are on the cusp of Soldier of Choice history, looking to be the only army to reach the final four in both tournaments held so far.  Standing in their way is General Anatomica's squad of Peter Weller movie characters, a team that has shown cleverness and resourcefulness, in addition to surviving the inexplicable writing of Seltzer and Friedberg in the last round.  This epic clash is taking place in the parking lot of the Circle K located at the intersection of Bonita and Walnut in San Dimas, California. Circle K: try the new 256 oz. Polar Pop today!

Tale of the Tape:  Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus is a veteran leader who has seen pretty much anything this ridiculous tournament can offer.  However, he knows better than to underestimate a team that counts Robocop, Buckaroo Banzai, and Frank Henderson from Shoot The Moon among its members.  Make the dinos the slightest of favorites, and let's get this rolling!


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Early Rounds: A surprising start as both sides send out a mass of what could probably be best described as CANNON FODDER.  Dozens of 15-inch-tall PARVICURSOR dinosaurs sprint toward Anatomica's line, only to be met mid-pitch by a rush of WELLER CHARACTERS FROM MINOR FILMS.  The sight is almost comical, as nobodies like Rad Hungate, Bart Hughes, and Steven Routledge engage in bloody wrestling matches with what are essentially prehistoric chickens.  The sanguine smell has caught the attention of the TYRANNOSAURS, who suddenly make a charge for the field while randomly firing off their HEAD MOUNTED LASER CANNONS.  Uh-oh!  Look out for that T-Rex foot...oops!  It looks like George Moran's least favorite vegetable is now SQUASH.  Verminator's lizards take an early lead!

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Middle Rounds:  General Anatomica orders ROBOCOP into the fray to help alleviate the thunder lizard situation.  Using his BIG-ASS HANDGUN, he manages to take a couple of the Tyrannosaurs down before getting blasted in his ROBOCROTCH by a miraculous laser shot.  The fight suddenly stops, as both sides begin wincing and crossing their legs after seeing what happened to Robocop.  Suddenly, from literally out-of-nowhere, CHUCK TAGGART from Odyssey 5 appears next to General Verminator!  He seems to be telling Verminator something.  Wait!  Verminator is ordering the dinosaurs back!  Taggart is waving for General Anatomica to come join them.  I have no idea what is going on right now, other than the fight is on hold for the moment. 


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The Final Rounds: Anatomica has joined Taggart and Verminator in the middle of the field.

Anatomica:  "What the fuck is going on?  Are you surrendering to me?"

Taggart:  "No!  Now listen up, you two.  An alien has sent me back in time to this very moment so I could talk to you."

Both generals give Taggart the WATCHOOTALKINBOUTWILLIS look.

Anatomica:  "Look, Peter Weller, you're on my team so go back over to my line and pick up a fucking weapon!"

Taggart: "This is much more important, Anatomica.  I was sent back in time to find a way to stop the destruction of the planet and the death of every living thing upon it.  I need your help...both of you."

Verminator: "So what exactly are you asking of us?"

Taggart: "A creature that was created by actions occurring in this tournament is growing stronger by the day.  Somewhere close to this time, the creature contracts a deadly biological virus.  This thing kills everything that gets close to it, and then consumes the bodies.  It will grow exponentially, to a point that no weapon, chemical, or biological agent can stop it.  In approximately 5 months, the monster will envelop the entire planet.  You, me, everything and everyone you love and hate...all of it will be gone."

Taggart gives a folder containing several images to Verminator.  He instantly recognizes the monster.

Verminator:  "General Anatomica, this is the creature currently fighting for Nokomis Beats."

Anatomica: "You mean that irradiated freak blob thing?"

Taggart: "Yes.  We named it LEVIATHAN after it began consuming all of the water in the Arctic Ocean.  Gentlemen, I know you see what is before you.  We must help General Codespyder defeat Leviathan before it becomes impossible to defeat it."

This catches the attention of one of Anatomica's men.

Christopher Henderson:  "I'm not helping motherfucking Jack Bauer do JACK SHIT!"

Taggart:  "If we don't help, it's not going to fucking matter what your opinion on Jack Bauer is."

Anatomica (to Verminator): "So...are you buying this?"

Verminator: "Well, he's your guy.  Besides, I've seen weird things in Soldier of Choice.  It's not even the first time the planet has been threatened.  I guess we don't have a choice."


Ladies and gentlemen, you do not want to miss the next match!

NOKOMIS BEATS vs. CODESPYDER, VERMINATOR, and ANATOMICA

Holy shit.

Time travel,a tie,and a three on one match? You have outdone yourself this time Quagmar.

I still suspect the Joycube has something to do with this.

Oh hells yeah. I gots me some backup. Ain't nothin' like a good ol' tag team brawl.