The pure evil of THE JOYCUBE will be destroyed by My Batman.


have mercy

I can't quite seem to master the steps of the Joycube's dance, and as much as I flail I haven't seen a single musical note emit from my body.  Any tips?

And this cube was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

I had a dream that this thread was a movie.

It was incredible.

RIPPER
Preview: Ladies...gentlemen...Cracked forum members...we are back, live from right here, after a brief hiatus, the big phony fight has returned to whittle time from your day!  The second round commences this morning with another battle between entertainment figures, as General Ripper unleashes the mighty Brock Samson upon General Dust Buster's 54th Massachusetts's Regiment from the film Glory.  Ripper's man dispatched a group of Frank Zappas in the opening round (with a healthy assist from Team Venture), while the Glory boys took down a bunch of swishing neckbeards when Academy Award Winning Actor Denzel Washington went apeshit over a little unwanted sexual molestation.  Our fight today is coming to you from the beautiful metropolis of Vancouver, for no other reason than I wanted to visit this city.

Tale of the Tape: We'll see if the film actors solved their issue with functional weapons, or this could go very badly against a fierce force like Samson.  If they do have the gun issue sorted out, their numbers advantage may become the difference.  Weird events seems to follow Samson like a hungry stray pooch, though, so the only way we'll know anything for sure is to start this thing up. So, let's, uh, start this thing up!
 

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Early Rounds: It appears right off the bat that Dust Buster's army has been supplied with some AUTHENTIC CIVIL WAR ERA RIFLES.  The actors take aim, and fire!  They all miss!  It's like the 54th is made up of a bunch of people who have no experience shooting a weapon before!  In fact, several of the guns have BACKFIRED, blowing up several supporting actors who were not mentioned in the opening credits.  Now the actors are looking for their assistants to have them reload their rifles so they can try shooting them again.  Brock Samson is laughing his ass off at this pathetic display of warfare.  He is starting to casually walk towards the 54th line, completely oblivious to any effort they may be making to harm him.  A BIG BOWIE KNIFE has appeared in the hand of General Ripper's soldier, and looks like he will be ripping into some of Hollywood's finest shortly unless they think of a new plan quickly.

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Middle Rounds: Samson has nearly reached the hapless acting troop when a loud noise emits from nearby.  The ground is beginning to shake beneath us, something big is approaching us!  It's...unbeliv...wait, after what I've seen doing these tournaments, anything seems reasonable.  In any case, GODZILLA has made an appearance.  No, not that one.  It's the one that looks like an iguana created by BALCO, and it is apparently trying to hunt down the guy on Dust Buster's team that also appeared in Project X.  The massive lizard is tearing through the battlefield, sending all of the participants scattering.  A large shadow covers the pitch...but, it can't be from Godzilla...oh, of course.  MOTHRA is now hovering over the battle.  It looks like the recently-escaped monster is looking to pick a fight with the 1998 version of Godzilla, and the lizard isn't backing down!  Wait!  Now something else is coming.  You have got to be kidding me.  THE MONARCH has shown up in his flying cocoon, looking to take out Brock Samson while the opportunity was hot.  This is an absolute disgrace.  For the first time in Soldier of Choice history, a battle has descended into complete anarchy. 


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The Final Rounds: The field is in total chaos, covered by screaming Canadians, confused actors, incompetent henchmen, and one awful-looking CGI lizard monster.  The Monarch has located Samson, and is preparing to fire upon him from the cocoon when the floating hideout gets a sudden large jolt!  Mothra has taken a bit of a shine to the cocoon structure, and has lost interest in Godzilla in favor of attempting to HUMP the Monarch's hideout!  The underpowered weapons on the cocoon have no effect on the moth monster, and soon they all come crashing to the ground.  Godzilla has spotted the actor from The Road to Wellville, and is making his way over to the 54th side of the field.  Brock Samson, meanwhile, has joined me here at the announcers table!  His feet are propped up on the table, and he is smoking a cigarette, watching all of the shenanigans unfolding in front of us.  The actors are trying to defend themselves from Godzilla, but it's to no avail, and they are quickly being consumed by the big scaly beast.  Looking around the mess, I don't see any Civil War actors moving about, except for some twitching from a couple crushed underneath the crashed cocoon.  There is still some action playing out, but as far as the official battle goes, it is all over!

The victor!

Brock won this battle by sitting around and smoking a cigarette.  His next opponent will not afford him such a luxury, whomever it may be:

SCRUFF vs. NEDROID

Nedroid.....help... Please.

The final battle for Lynel division is set, and even the mighty Brock Samson must be worried right now. Instead of answering anything, Nedroid's box only creates more questions. But forget about that, a new battle is on the way...



Stalfos offers up two epic-looking duels, the first of which is:



Will Illiterati's guerrilla ambush give him the advantage against Wicket's teams of hulking monstrosities, or will the keen senses of them and their mounts sniff them out? Will Soviet-era rifles and traps beat evil magic? We'll see soon enough.

Dude, that's pretty harsh. You know how sensitive Illiterati is to trash talk like that. Seriously, he's a total pussy. Now he's never going to stop crying.

there there illiterati. Its okay. Someone has to lose, and it will probaly be you. Ill still root for ya! Me and only me. oh and i dont have a fat head. Do you hear me? I DONT.