The walrus is not an eastern bloc country.

Peanut butter was invented by Rupert Penitputr in 1583 when he made the first sandwich, which he called the Reuben.

A penny saved is a penny you probably picked up off the street and has over 9 million forms of bacteria and three types of fungi.  But no viruses, as viruses cannot attach to copper.

The little girl from the Poltergeist movies is alive and well and living in the city of Boca Raton in Florida under the pseudonym T.S. Geisel.  She writes children's books and soft core porn for late night cable.

A ram does not when he's tired.  He usually sleeps.

Aimless rambling can be found here, here, and here, but not here.

-The first opera was performed by turkeys.

-The reason that old people smell different is electrolytes.

-Goats are the only animal unable to yawn.

-2 in 3 people will slip on a banana peel during their lifetime.

- Pandas can't play the banjo because they have low self-esteem.

- These are hats:

People with thumbs can masturbate.

Napoleon Bonaparte was so short people often thought he wasn't around and assumed he was sleeping.  This is why today we call a short sleep: sleeping shortly or closing your eyes like the short people.

The Jersey Devil is not a devil.  It's an extra-planer demon with level ten Torch of Heaven ultimate flame skills.

Sonny Crockett was the first to use the Bowie knife.  HE carved S.C. + D.B. on a weeping willow.  To this day nobody knows he was gay for David Bowie.

Sally from the Peanuts comic strip was based on Shirley MacLaine's character in the movie Willow.  And not the other way around.

Drugs is pronounced drugs in American-English.  But drogs in English-English.

I have a blister on my left foot.  It will be gone in seven days. It takes seven days for Samara to concoct the potion that provides for the smallpox virus epidemic that plagues the heroes of the Ring movies.

A normal trip to Mars would take about 260 days. The trip could be made in as little as 130.

Time slows down near a black hole and inside ceases to exist.

From space, the brightest man-made place is Las Vegas, Nevada.

The most commonly juggled animal is the domestic kitten.

The use of bold text denotes yelling.

Christians are forbidden from eating electricity.

From space, the brightest man-made place is the sun.

Microwave ovens do not emit any kind of radiation. Instead they heat food using the placebo effect.

The theme song of the sitcom "Golden Girls" was not "Nutz on Ya Chin" by Eazy-E.

2 + 2 rounded to the nearest whole number equals 4.

Dancing never solves anything.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Never clap if you're unsure.

 - Contrary to popular belief, the South African Yellow Back Toaster does not consider the North Eastern Curl Tailed Fruit Blender as prey.

 - In reality, only two persons have ever truly stepped on the surface of the moon; Neil Armstrong and Superman.

 - Rick Astley is never going to give you up.

 - Robbing banks is considered illegal in 75 states. However, if you say 'pretty please with cherry on top' when asking the bank clerk to stuff all the cash inside the money sack, then the act will count as a public misdemeanor.

 - Spiders do not gain spider powers when bitten by a radioactive spider.

 - Contrary to popular belief, 'lowering and tilting the helicopter so that the rotor blades would slice away all the zombies on the ground' is not a viable strategy in the military-issued Helicopter Tactics for Dummies handbook. Furthermore, zombies do not exist.

 - Men with hairy backs are not considered furries. However, men who wear costumes based on characters with hairy backs are considered furries.

 - Pirates, ninjas and zombies are secretly in league with each other. Their ultimate aim is to persuade lumberjacks to wear something else besides plaid flannel.

 - The Sun will provide as much as 150 000 quadtrillion Watts of energy during its entire lifetime. However, the Silver Surfer can absorb all that energy in mere seconds, as shown in limited edition issue of Silver Surfer #142.

 - The whirling motion in most washing machines causes a minor rip in the very fabric of reality that pulls in lint from a parallel dimension.

 - As of the year 2002, Pluto and Texas are no longer considered to be real planets.

 - Lightsabers cannot slice through adamantium, thus leading to Obi-wans defeat against a clone of Wolverine in Lucasarts/Marvel Crossover Team-up #213.

If you grow mutton chops, men in blue suits will show up at your door to present you with a membership kit.  If you are female, the kit will include decorative soaps.

My bologna has a first name, but I never bothered to learn it.

Knives aren't sharp, it's just that your skin is very dull.  Therefore, dull knives are less likely to injure you.

The incessant beeping of an electronic ankle monitor can be muffled somewhat by the soothing music coming out of a stolen ice cream truck.

The staged and clearly fake Apollo 11 lunar landing was filmed live on location on the surface of the Moon.

Christian Bale is awesome.

The new Star Wars trilogy caused Han Solo to travel to Earth with the objective of kicking righteous ass. However, George Lucas will probably be dead when he arrives because the journey can take as much as forty-seven years.

The reason why porcupines, in spite of their advanced intelligence, have never developed a complex society is that they lack any method of kissing ass.

It is impossible to teach advanced calculus to a hamster.