"Lies are tools to make society run smoother.  Like any tool, when lies are abused they become dangerous.  Lying when used in moderation is helpful.  Nevertheless, if you get caught you will be in trouble, so don't.  Get caught, I mean."

A dear old librarian friend of mine told me this after a clumsy attempt at a lie.
I truly consider it to be very valuable.
It helped me realize that lying is an art form more than anything else.
A successful lie where all your bases are covered, and you know it, is the most beautiful thing in the world.
And nothing is more guilt-inducing than a screamingly obvious abomination of falsehood.

I was in a restaurant having breakfast with some friends and we happened to spot an actor that we knew from the Theatre in town. He was sitting with August Schellenberg (The guy who played Randolph in Free Willy.)

He got up, walked past us and told us to "Live for the moment" and I have ever since. He had a whale earring. Awesome.

A friend's dad once told me
"Being able to pick your friends is God's way of saying sorry for sticking you with your family, so pick carefully"

As it turns out, that particular friend was a dick (stole stuff from me and other friends, called sex lines from my phone, was fuller of shit than a cesspit) so I took his dad's advice and cut him out my life completely. Always been careful choosing friends after that.

"Don't believe everything you hear."

What makes this confusing is that a hospital nurse told this to me. The conversation (as best I can remember) went like:

Me: How do I get to Dr. So-and-so's office?
Nurse: Go out that door, take a left, go down the hall and it's on your right.
Me: Ok, out that door, take a left, down the hall on the right.
Nurse: Don't believe everything you hear. Go out that door and take a right.


I don't know if that was supposed to be some sort of nurse humor or what? But it's not really a joke, it's just bad directions.