Thank youhe's kiddingfor clearingdear god, tell me he's kiddingthat up.

My friend gave me this fantastic pearl of wisdom...

'Never date a girl with lots of piercings, unless you have a sieve fetish'.


Unfortunatly, this came two weeks too late.

A cop once told me:

"If someone's trying to rob you, just give them the goddamn money. You're not much more than five feet tall, maybe 115 pounds. No one is going to take you seriously if you start chasing after them when they rob you. Especially not in THAT outfit."

I was a bit offended.

From my older brother years ago, "Don't decide how beautiful a woman is until you have seen her without sunglasses on."

"never walk a mule down the street" - my first grade teacher Ms. Melvin

i never knew what it meant, still don't, but i've never forgotten it,
she was really old and probably just babbling on, she always called me
Jake...thats not even close to my name, William...

From dear ol' Mom:

"Don't pass your apple around too often, pretty soon no one will want to take a bite and it will be all slobbery and turning brown"


At 12, that was traumatic.

How is it not?  We all want to understand life, right?  Well, there it is.

Also, balls.

"Stop picking at it."

and

"It doesn't always grow back."

As for real advice, "Do anything. The only prerequisite for being an idiot is to think you can't." -My Dad
In this same lecture he told me I was like an orchid... so there's that.

"don't pull the emergency brake at 90"- from a dude I met at a hospital... go figure

"don't count your chickens before they hatch, especially if you intend to make an omelet"- my grandfather

"it's better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass"- my father

"grabbing a bull by the horns isn't half as dangerous as grabbing one by the balls"- some guy on the street

"never do anything half way the first time or you'll have to come back and finish it later"- my girlfriend

An old professor once told me that, if you want to get a resolution passed without much argument, you should put it at the bottom of the agenda, not the top. Then, when the meeting finally gets round to it, everyone will be a bit sick of debating and eager to leave and get to dinner.