Other Forum Hall of Fame | The Mirth Canal

daedeloth
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2007, 04:17 AM »

I'll let the post itself open the story behind this one:

Quote

The plan was for me to pick her up a little before seven and we'd go to the movie. Beyond that, I had some possible ideas (get some food, whatever) based on how the movie went. I picked her up around 6:45, following the poor directions I'd been given. The ride to the theater was alright; we talked about mutual friends and john cusak movies. I paid for the tickets and drinks. At this point, everything is ok.

We sit down, and she puts her feet up on the seat in front of her. Then she starts laughing. I ask what's funny, as I'm expected to, and she tells me the position of her feet reminds her of being at the gynecologist. I chuckle, but then she goes into a long description of how she was nervous the first time, and that her doctor was a "huge black guy with gentle fingers." At this point, I'm a little wary, but we're both pretty quiet for the rest of the film, and, enheartened, I suggest we get something to eat. "Sure," she says. "Let's gank some food!" This is something I begin to notice, her using WoW expressions in general conversation. I am told, at one point, to stoo-foo (STFU)

It is during dinner conversation that I realize I'm on a date with a lunatic.

I cannot completely recreate the experience, rather, I will list for you the topics of conversation, all of which she was vehemently in support of:

1. Cosplaying.
2. Crossplaying.
3. All anime, ever. I was treated to in-depth ploy synopses of no less than 6 of her favorites.
4. Erotic fanfiction.
5. Erotic *slash* fanfiction
6. Erotic slash fanfiction featuring Harry Potter characters
7. Bondage, preferably with duct tape.
8. Losing her virginity at 13 to a 22-year-old

At this point, I'm a little terrified.

When we get back to her place, I figure I'll bolt out at the first opportunity, but then she pulls out her laptop. I figure she's checking her email, but no, it's time to play WoW. And it's time for me to watch. This goes on for about half an hour, to my dismay, and then she asks me if I've ever had anything shoved up my ass.

I turn, hoping, praying, that she's kidding.

She isn't.

She pulls out Cosmopolitan and begins reading aloud from a list titled "Things you should do to surprise him in bed" Top of the list, apparently, is a surprise finger up the anus. She says "Maybe we can try that later," and smiles.

I blink, twice.

"Hey, do you want to read my poetry?"

Before I can answer, she's typing in a url, and the next thing I know I'm reading "Cutting deep/ I'm not a sheep"

She's making me read her cutter poetry. And it's awful. And plentiful. And autobiographical.

Her cat comes in, and she says "Hey, check this out!" She pulls out a roll of duct tape, pulls off a strip, and, before I can object, puts in on the cat's back and yanks it off. I also notice, horrified, that the cat has no tail.

"Cool, huh? He doesn't even feel it."

She takes the duct tape, covered on one side with cat fur, and, with a flourish, puts it in her own mouth.

It's here where I make my exit.

tl;dr: I spend an evening with the dark side of the internet.

Ten pages or so into the thread he posts the poor girl's Facebook page, with only her email, last name, and phone number blanked out. That's enough to get some aspiring stalkers to track down the page.

About twenty pages after that, one of the original poster's long-lost friends posts with this (names later removed by mods):

Quote

[removed], you really pulled a fucking whopper this time. The very least you could have done for [removed] was ensured that this thread wouldn't have gotten back to her and caused her the headache she is undoubtedly experiencing as we speak.

Classy, dude, real classy.

Before the "cat snacker" (as forum posters affectionately termed her) could show up in person the thread was locked and deleted.


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Sanchez
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #21 on: July 03, 2007, 07:31 PM »

Man finds some bees, overreacts like a motherfucker.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #22 on: July 03, 2007, 07:45 PM »

Quote from: Sanchez on July 03, 2007, 07:31 PM

Man finds some bees, overreacts like a motherfucker.

Haha, fuck yeah. That's been linked around here before I think, but I can't remember where, and it definitely deserves a spot here.

I love that he managed to capture the moments just before the containers of various flammable liquids hit the fire. Hanging there in space, so much bee-killing potential.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #23 on: July 03, 2007, 08:54 PM »

Quote from: Disco Stu on July 03, 2007, 07:45 PM

Quote from: Sanchez on July 03, 2007, 07:31 PM

Man finds some bees, overreacts like a motherfucker.

Pretty sure that was at Jay's place, not here.

Classic case of batshit insane, anyways.


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...like some fat masturbating guy with a jetpack, just waiting to ejaculate and shit all over me...

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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2007, 10:06 AM »

That post in the Socially Awkward thread about Belladonna reminded me of this classic. I can't remember what forum it came from, it's been kicking around on my hard drive for a few years. Bear in mind that I find listening to peoples drug stories just as boring as listening to them describe their dreams, but this one's special because it's so insane.

From "Astral Perceptionz" in 2002:

This trip occured 2 years ago in the summer when I was 15 years old. I researched a little bit about the plant. I found out that all parts of the plant are poisonous, but I couldn't find any dosage information on eating the seeds. The main chemicals in this plant are tropane alkaloids (scopalomine, atropine, hyoscyamine). Many plants have tropane alkaloids, like datura, henbane, and european mandrake, but atropa belladonna is very high up in potency. So I ordered a 1/4 ounce of these seeds online, as they are legal. A 1/4 ounce comes with approximately 7000 seeds.

I decided to start off slow, with about 50 seeds. These seeds are very small. Like the size of poppy seeds. I wasn't feeling anything after the 50 seeds, so I jumped to 200 seeds. I still wasn't feeling anything, so I went to sleep. The next day, I decided to take another shot at it. I started off with about 200 seeds. Waited about 2 hours and nothing was happening. I then took about 600 more seeds. I wait another 2 hours. I wasn't feeling anything, but when I saw myself in the mirror, my pupils were dilated almost to the size of my whole eyeball. (eye doctors use atropine to dilate pupils). I was getting mad because it was taking so long to start working, and I didn't even know if it was going to work, so I just downed about 900 more seeds.

Me and 2 of my friends start walking to a firehouse fair a few blocks away, to check it out. I start feeling my motor skills decreasing. When we get to the fair it is about 7 pm and we just sit down with a few friends for like an hour, just talking and watching the fair. After about a half hour, I get up and start walking, my motor skills just keep decreasing, I think the ground is shifting under me, like in one of those funhouse type things. I keep on tripping (well, I am tripping) but tripping over the shifting grounds. So one of my friends and I decide to leave, because there are cops, and I was getting very messed up.

So we went to a park around the block. We sit on a bench, and I decide do smoke a bowl of weed. I am uncapable of packing the bowl, and I just get too tired to try anymore, so I put everything down, and going in a corner by some bushes. I start feeling the leaves and taking bites out of some, while my friend is sleeping on the bench. I dont know how long I was sitting by the bushes, but it seemed long and short at the same time.

I wake my friend up, and she wants to go home. She doesn't know my part of the neighborhood well, so she asks me to walk with her. We start walking down the blocks. I'm just walking on the sidewalks, trying not to fall. I start climbing mountains (which were really just cracks in the sidewalk. I then come across a mushroom on the grass. It looked so amazing. My friend yells to me, and when I look back, the mushroom is gone. We keep walking. We've been walking in circles, I forgot where we were supposed to go, but we finally made it to my house, and we went our separate ways.

While I'm at home in my room for awhile, I come out into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother comes in and asks me who I was talking to in my room. I tell her its my friend dan, who was one of the friends I had over earlier. She tells me to ask him to leave, or she'll call his parents, because its too late. I actually thought it was daytime, but it was really 3 in the morning. So I go back into my room, but I cant find him. My mom follows me around the house looking for him. I check in closets, in the basement. I thought he was hiding. I checked the backyard, and said there was a hole in the fence. That he must have left through the back. Now I go back in my room alone for a while.

My mom then comes in my room for some reason. I tell her I cant sleep, because there are seeds all over my bed. She asks me to show her what seeds, so I start picking up 'nothing' very carefully, and putting 'nothing' into my moms open hand. She then tells me to go sleep in her bed, but I couldn't in there, because there were seeds in her bed too. So I go back into my room again. After awhile, I go into the bathroom, and start playing with the hand soap dispenser bottle. I would keep on putting it on different shelves, bring it into my room, and my mom would just keep moving it back. Later that night, my mom finds me hysterically laughing at myself in the bathroom mirror, saying that there is 3 of me.

In the morning, I am still very out of my mind, so my dad tells me to get in the car. We start driving, and my brothers follow behind. I just thought that we were going on an outing. We finally parked and reached a big building. I told my brother I thought we were in California. I then told my dad that I was a vampire as I sucked blood from my finger, which really wasn't there.

When we got into a building, I was taken into a room. It took me about 15 minutes to realize that I was in a hospital. I started going nuts. I started fighting guards. It took about 5 guards and my brother to hold me down. But I just submitted to them, because while the fight was going on, I saw a baby stroller in the room, and I accidentally kicked it, making me feel guilty, so I let go. I was then given a shot of a tranquilizer, I forget what it was called, and was strapped down to a stretcher and taken into another room. In this room, I could see out the open door, people that I knew from my school, but they weren't really there. I then was seeing scorpion-like creatures crawling and flipping over each other on the walls. I also thought I saw a laptop at the end of the stretcher, and thought it was mine, but I couldn't get it, cause I was tied down. I was then being pushed on the stretcher. A hole opened up in the wall and I was taken through a secret passageway, in circles. obviously that wasn't real either. But I was taken to the ICU.

There, the trip started getting harder. I thought that I was in a school auditorium, and a game show was going on the stage. And I saw a girl next to me that I fell in love with. I felt the love through my body. It was a blonde girl with no eyes. She was also deaf and mute, with electricity running through her completely black mouth. After a bunch of stuff I dont really remember, smoke canisters were thrown through windows in the auditorium, spewing smoke all over. I then snapped out. I was tripping for 3 days. I blacked out for alot of the stuff, but my parents and brothers told me about some stuff that happened.

I was put in a straight jacket that had ties from head to toe. I yelled and cursed at the doctors and nurses. At one point they had me wear a diaper, even though I wasn't going to the bathroom. They didn't want to give me a catheter, because they were afraid of what might happen. I had to be given baths. I was treated like a baby, because I was completely out of my mind and didn't know what was going on.

My mom told me that when she went back home, she found a glass in the fridge with the top of a spray bottle in it. Also, the top of the soap dispenser thing was missing, and my brother found it in a tissue box.

This was definately the most intense trip I ever had, and I will never forget it. I might do it again, but not anytime soon. I am growing it now, to save it for the future.

Overal, I ate about 1500 seeds. and tripped for 3 days. I didn't really know I was tripping. I was just taken to a different world, and all the stuff that happened there was normal.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #25 on: July 19, 2007, 07:41 AM »

In relation to this Achewood strip:

Quote from: Bobby Isosceles

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME (don't worry, not going to be graphic in any capacity).

My girlfriend was, much like Molly, feeling rather frisky. In this case, the movie in the background was "Elektra" -- which is a horrible, horrible movie but hey, who's going to change the channel when you're being amorous.

One of the supporting characters of this movie is Terence Stamp (aka General Zod). It just so happens that my girlfriend is related to Terence Stamp (great-niece).

Now I'm not going to say that she looks like General Zod. I will say that there are certain, shall we say, "Stamp Features" that one notices when one is aware that the two are related.

So there I am with her. And General Zod in the background. And I'm in the know, so my mind is quickly correlated features and detecting similarities that I really didn't want to detect or correlate.

With every passing moment she becomes more and more Zod-like.

The visceral, fear-based part of my brain realizes: I am cuddling with General Zod.

I had to stop. She takes one look at the screen, realizes the look of horror on my face and starts laughing.

She knows.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #26 on: July 23, 2007, 12:31 AM »

Has anyone seen this sort of joke before? Oh well.

Quote

You bastard! I hadn't got to that part yet. And I was so convinced that Jesus would settle down and spawn kids....

Quote

That's what the crappy fanfiction is for.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #27 on: July 23, 2007, 02:42 AM »

Holy fucking shit, Sanchez. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It got to the point where I had to stop reading for a couple seconds to catch my breath.


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daedeloth
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #28 on: July 23, 2007, 10:46 AM »

Guy punches a girl in the face over the internet.

I hate reading IM chatlogs as much as anyone else, especially when someone says "trust me, it's worth it." This one is special just because of the end result.

-Dumb bitch sends guy message thinking he's someone else
-Guy plays along, changes to using IM-speak
-Guy convinces dumb bitch that they should kiss in real life
-Dumb bitch goes to confront guy she thinks he is
-Dumb bitch gets punched in the face by dude
-Dumb bitch goes crying back to internet guy

[19:41] Idiot IM Girl: k justins list got on my aim somehow so am i showing up on ur list now too? and i know you dont like me but i just wanna know this cuz i dont know anyone else but u
[19:41] Salvation122: I don't even know who you are.
[19:41] Salvation122: But, no, you're not on my buddy list.
[19:42] Idiot IM Girl: who is this
[19:42] Salvation122: Joe.
[19:42] Idiot IM Girl: ok whatever
[19:43] Idiot IM Girl: this is trent
[19:43] Idiot IM Girl: i know it is
[19:43] Salvation122: Does Trent normally use proper grammar?
[19:44] Salvation122: Who am I talking to, at any rate?
[19:44] Idiot IM Girl: shut the fuck up .. k well i wouldnt know cuz i dont fuckin talk to trent .. and yea he prob. does when he is being joe.
[19:44] Idiot IM Girl: sydney ..
[19:44] Idiot IM Girl: dumbass
[19:44] Salvation122: Sydney who?
[19:44] Salvation122: Where do you live?
[19:45] Salvation122: What's Justin's last name?
[19:45] Idiot IM Girl: well u would know since ur under his buddys list right??? and since his llist is mixed up with mine so i have all his contacts ..
[19:45] Idiot IM Girl: and he prolli has mine
[19:46] Salvation122: Justin Seals?
[19:46] Salvation122: That still wouldn't tell me where you're from, or what your last name is.
[19:46] Idiot IM Girl: trent ur gay.. go listen to the kmk or smoke weed or coke or somthing.
[19:47] Idiot IM Girl: well snort coke! not smoke it
[19:47] Salvation122: I'd really rather have hot kinky buttsex with you.
[19:48] Idiot IM Girl: ohh so u do know me ?
[19:48] Salvation122: hahahaha fooled you
[19:48] Salvation122: goddamn that was ez
[19:48] Idiot IM Girl: fooled me with what
[19:48] Idiot IM Girl: i knew you were trent
[19:49] Salvation122: wutevr
[19:49] Idiot IM Girl: shut up ..
[19:49] Idiot IM Girl: i knew ..
[19:49] Salvation122: seriously tho i've wanted to fuck you for like the longest time
[19:50] Salvation122: cum on
[19:50] Salvation122: nothin to say?
[19:50] Idiot IM Girl: trent .. seriously tho do i come up on ur list
[19:50] Salvation122: u were alrdy on my list
[19:50] Idiot IM Girl: cuz i have justins whole list... PLUS I ONLY FUCK ASSHOLES WITH THE LAST NAME CLARK
[19:51] Salvation122: oh come on
[19:51] Salvation122: i wouldn't telll him
[19:51] Idiot IM Girl: shut up trent i know ur sitting right there with justin .. and tell his to check his e-mail
[19:51] Salvation122: justin's not here
[19:51] Salvation122: seriously
[19:51] Salvation122: call his cell
[19:52] Idiot IM Girl: like i want anything to do with him
[19:52] Salvation122: hahaha
[19:52] Salvation122: seriously tho u should come over and get drunk
[19:53] Salvation122: it'd be fun
[19:53] Idiot IM Girl: maybe sometime .. u are pretty cute ..
[19:53] Salvation122: awww
[19:54] Salvation122: how old r u again? i forget at the moment
[19:54] Salvation122: too much weed ahahaha
[19:54] Idiot IM Girl: 16
[19:54] Salvation122: o right
[19:54] Salvation122: duh
[19:55] Salvation122: so honestly sydney
[19:55] Idiot IM Girl: or too much coke!
[19:55] Salvation122: ur intrested n me?
[19:55] Idiot IM Girl: maybe
[19:56] Salvation122: well i guess i can be kinda a dick
[19:56] Salvation122: sorry bout that
[19:56] Idiot IM Girl: k i know you just doing this to tell justin .. and everything else
[19:56] Salvation122: guys do dumb things around hot girls
[19:57] Salvation122: no i'm just doing this cuz i'm high and bored
[19:57] Salvation122: i do like u tho
[19:57] Salvation122: y don't u cum over and hav a toke?
[19:58] Salvation122: cum on
[19:58] Idiot IM Girl: haha funny
[19:58] Salvation122: nah seriously
[19:58] Salvation122: no one's home, it's boring
[19:59] Idiot IM Girl: call justin im sure hed like to get high
[19:59] Salvation122: he can't
[19:59] Salvation122: grounded
[19:59] Salvation122: bsides i'd rather smoke with girls neway
[20:00] Idiot IM Girl: ohh for his dad finding him talk about coke or whatever..
[20:00] Salvation122: yeah
[20:00] Salvation122: and then justin said he snorted it off a hooker's ass
[20:01] Salvation122: which is damn funny but stupid to say to a pissed off dad
[20:01] Idiot IM Girl: he e-mailed me last time tell me about how he loves me till the day i die and he really really needs me to be his friend
[20:01] Salvation122: didn't here that
[20:02] Salvation122: seriously, come over,may be we cn sneek him out of his house
[20:02] Idiot IM Girl: he said to his dad that or he was writing that to someone else and his dad found it
[20:02] Salvation122: he said it to his dad
[20:02] Salvation122: yelled at him
[20:02] Salvation122: it was fuckin hilarious
[20:02] Salvation122: but stupid
[20:02] Idiot IM Girl: TRENT im FUCKING done with JUSTIN! I HATE HIM HE IS A ASSHOLE WHO I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH
[20:02] Salvation122: wut?
[20:02] Salvation122: wut the hell?
[20:03] Idiot IM Girl: i hope justin moves to vegas ..
[20:03] Salvation122: OMG
[20:03] Salvation122: DID HE DO LINES OFF YUR ASS
[20:03] Salvation122: BECUZ THAT WUD B FUCKIN FUNNY
[20:03] Idiot IM Girl: SHUTUP TRENT
[20:03] Salvation122: OMG HE DID DIDN'T HE
[20:04] Salvation122: otherwise you wouldn't have gotten all pissed
[20:04] Salvation122: awesome
[20:04] Idiot IM Girl: trent ur not making sense
[20:04] Salvation122: that's cuz i'm high
[20:04] Salvation122: seriously, cum over
[20:10] Idiot IM Girl: why so u have some chick there to beat my ass or what
[20:11] Salvation122: i dont hit girls
[20:11] Salvation122: shit
[20:11] Salvation122: thats not cool
[20:11] Salvation122: nah, i'm just bored
[20:12] Salvation122: and honestly kinda pissed at justin
[20:12] Salvation122: and i figure yur pissed at him 2
[20:12] Idiot IM Girl: well justin does haha me has hit me.... and u prob have some chick there to do it for u .. why are you pissed at justin
[20:12] Salvation122: he puked in my car saturday night
[20:12] Salvation122: and then didn't clean it up
[20:13] Salvation122: fucker
[20:13] Salvation122: anyway
[20:13] Salvation122: i figure if yur pissed at him 2 we cud hook up and it'd be like stabbin him in the back
[20:13] Idiot IM Girl: haha what did u give him A beer ..
[20:13] Salvation122: no dude
[20:14] Salvation122: we stole sum of my dad's scotch
[20:14] Salvation122: and he did like six shots really fast
[20:14] Salvation122: and then puked all over the place
[20:14] Salvation122: dumbass
[20:14] Salvation122: doesnt kno how to pace himself
[20:14] Idiot IM Girl: yea bad choice he cant drink one without puking .. and i would hook up with you to stab him in the back but u wouldn't really do it
[20:15] Salvation122: sydney
[20:15] Salvation122: HE PUKED ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY CAR
[20:15] Salvation122: u do not fuck with a mans car
[20:15] Salvation122: its serious bizness
[20:15] Idiot IM Girl: u dont have a car
[20:16] Salvation122: my dads car
[20:16] Salvation122: and then i had to clean it up yesterday
[20:16] Idiot IM Girl: hahaha that sucks
[20:16] Salvation122: after it had been in the garage overnight
[20:16] Idiot IM Girl: thats fuckin gross should have made him eat it up ..
[20:17] Salvation122: believe me nothing smells wurse then 12-hour old puke
[20:17] Salvation122: so like i said i'm pissed at him
[20:17] Salvation122: so cum on over and we can get together
[20:17] Salvation122: fuck the little bitch where it hurts
[20:17] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:19] Idiot IM Girl: where did justin meet his little bitch ?
[20:19] Idiot IM Girl: i heard she is like the dumbest person in Gilbert
[20:19] Salvation122: i dont remember
[20:19] Salvation122: sum concert i think
[20:20] Salvation122: or sumthing
[20:20] Idiot IM Girl: ohh really he went to a concert this week .. i doubt it he has no money
[20:20] Salvation122: sydney i honestly dont kno
[20:20] Idiot IM Girl: k
[20:20] Salvation122: so r u cuming ovr or wut?
[20:21] Idiot IM Girl: you should come talk to me at school tomorrow infront of justin .. if ur really bad at him ..
[20:21] Idiot IM Girl: mad**
[20:21] Salvation122: i'd rather hook up w/u and hav both of us tell him about it
[20:21] Salvation122: haha show him pictures
[20:22] Salvation122: that'd be hilarious
[20:22] Salvation122: and bsides that way we'd both get laid
[20:22] Salvation122: which is a nice perk
[20:22] Idiot IM Girl: haha yea but NO .. we should just pretend to date for a while
[20:23] Salvation122: pffft
[20:23] Salvation122: if ur going to get even w/ sum1 u should do it right
[20:23] Salvation122: go 4 the gold and shit
[20:23] Idiot IM Girl: and i will act like i dont give a shit if you smoke weed .. do some coke .. or hang out with gurls and then u can even dump me ..
[20:24] Salvation122: haha
[20:24] Salvation122: that cud work
[20:24] Salvation122: but we shud like kiss or wutevr nfront of him tomorrow
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: i think we should .. i always thought you were hott.. and i could tell everyone that ur my boyfriend!
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: ok .. come up to me and then we will kiss ..
[20:25] Salvation122: nah
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: chicken
[20:25] Idiot IM Girl: ?
[20:25] Salvation122: it'd look weird 2 justin if i was trying 2 find u
[20:25] Salvation122: so cum find me
[20:26] Salvation122: and just like grab my head and pull me down and kiss me
[20:26] Salvation122: hahahaha
[20:26] Idiot IM Girl: well lets meet somewhere ..
[20:26] Idiot IM Girl: where justin always is .. so its mutual
[20:26] Salvation122: okay
[20:26] Salvation122: shit, i cant think right now
[20:26] Salvation122: where wud be a good place?
[20:26] Idiot IM Girl: are you sure you wanna do this?? CUZ I DO
[20:27] Salvation122: shit sydney
[20:27] Idiot IM Girl: what
[20:27] Salvation122: if u really want 2 do this y don't u just cum ovr now
[20:27] Salvation122: and we can practice
[20:27] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:27] Salvation122: but yeah i do
[20:28] Idiot IM Girl: haha yea but i am a pro so i think i can wing it
[20:28] Salvation122: still tho
[20:28] Salvation122: cud b fun
[20:29] Idiot IM Girl: well we will find out tomorrow right ? give us somthing to look forward to
[20:29] Salvation122: true
[20:29] Salvation122: hahahaha i totally have a boner now
[20:29] Idiot IM Girl: so where are we going to meet ..
[20:30] Salvation122: i dunno
[20:30] Salvation122: like in the morning right?
[20:30] Idiot IM Girl: yea !!
[20:30] Salvation122: so
[20:30] Idiot IM Girl: how about right after 1st hour ..
[20:30] Salvation122: nah man
[20:30] Salvation122: before class even
[20:30] Salvation122: so he'll have all day to be pissed
[20:31] Salvation122: and then we can do it again before we go home
[20:31] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:31] Idiot IM Girl: okay im there...
[20:31] Idiot IM Girl: but where are we going to kiss at?
[20:31] Salvation122: so like right by the door by the parking lot?
[20:32] Idiot IM Girl: justins not there in the mornings
[20:32] Salvation122: o right
[20:32] Salvation122: well right after 1st works then
[20:32] Salvation122: just come up to us when we're walking in the hall and grab me and kiss me
[20:32] Idiot IM Girl: k how about right in the middle of tiger hall
[20:33] Salvation122: do we usually go by there? hahaha i'm so spaced out right now
[20:33] Idiot IM Girl: cuz he stands by the wall by the pole.
[20:33] Salvation122: oh right
[20:33] Salvation122: yeah that's cool
[20:33] Salvation122: and you should like wrap your leg around me and shit
[20:33] Salvation122: hahahaha
[20:33] Salvation122: u should come over
[20:34] Idiot IM Girl: i will see how the kiss goes tomorrow and then i will tell u if or when im comin over .. so u might want to practice with ur elbow or somthing hahahaha
[20:34] Salvation122: hahaha
[20:35] Salvation122: hey sydney, u had sex w/ justin right?
[20:36] Idiot IM Girl: yea
[20:36] Salvation122: how big wuz he?
[20:36] Salvation122: he's all ways braggin about his damn dick
[20:36] Salvation122: i'm like fag i dont care
[20:37] Idiot IM Girl: hhahahaha
[20:38] Idiot IM Girl: he would always be like its small huh
[20:38] Salvation122: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[20:38] Salvation122: fuckin fag
[20:38] Idiot IM Girl: what did he say to you about me
[20:39] Salvation122: normal stupid guy shit
[20:39] Idiot IM Girl: like .. what
[20:39] Salvation122: u were grabbin the headboard and screaming from the dozens of times you orgasmed, tht shit
[20:39] Salvation122: the kind of crap where its obviously horseshit
[20:39] Idiot IM Girl: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
[20:40] Idiot IM Girl: i must have missed that one
[20:40] Salvation122: yeah
[20:40] Salvation122: figured
[20:42] Idiot IM Girl: so are you gunna pretend to be my boyfriend or what
[20:48] Salvation122: ok
[20:48] Salvation122: ill see u tomorrow
[20:52] Salvation122: o i forgot
[20:52] Salvation122: just come up and kiss me tomorrow, like its a suprise
[20:52] Salvation122: ok?
[20:53] Idiot IM Girl: no ok u should me like and sydney hung out last nite .. and then be like well im gunna go talk to my gurlfriend and then i will be in the middle of those two poles in tiger hall and we come give me a hug and then we will kiss .. k?
[20:54] Salvation122: no trust me
[20:55] Idiot IM Girl: no trust me .. cuz i can walk up to a bunch of stoners its too weird
[20:55] Salvation122: justin's WTF will be much louder if you just show up and kiss me and then talk about how we're going out
[20:55] Idiot IM Girl: i never did even when i was with justin
[20:55] Salvation122: cum on
[20:55] Salvation122: itll be funny
[20:55] Idiot IM Girl: u have gym right 1st hour
[20:56] Idiot IM Girl: ???
[20:56] Salvation122: uh right
[20:56] Idiot IM Girl: how about me meet each other before the actual bell rights and we can walk up to him with all ur guys friends holding hands and kissing and stuff
[20:56] Salvation122: so just like find me after class and just kiss me real quick in the halls
[20:57] Salvation122: just find me after 1st hour
[20:57] Salvation122: trust me it'll be a lot easier
[20:58] Idiot IM Girl: ok
[20:58] Idiot IM Girl: c u tomorrow
*** Idiot IM Girl has gone offline ***

SessionStart (Salvation122:Idiot IM Girl): Tue Apr 05 16:23:29 2005
[16:23] Idiot IM Girl: OMG U FUKCING ASSHOLE
[16:23] Idiot IM Girl: I HOPE U FUKCING DIE
[16:23] Salvation122: What?
[16:24] Idiot IM Girl: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO TRUST U
[16:24] Salvation122: Who the fuck are you, and why are you so upset with me?
[16:24] Idiot IM Girl: IT'S SYDNEY TRENT
[16:25] Idiot IM Girl: THE GIRL THAT KISSED YOU TODAY
[16:25] Salvation122: Oh my dear sweet Christ, you actually did that?
[16:25] Idiot IM Girl: U SHOULD KNOW U FUCKING PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE
[16:26] Salvation122: He... you have to be kidding. This is too goddamn wonderful to be true.
[16:26] Idiot IM Girl: AND JUSTIN BROKE UP WITH ME
[16:26] Idiot IM Girl: I HOPE YOUR HAPPY YOU FUKKING BITCH!!!!
[16:26] Salvation122: You know all those times last night I said I wasn't Trent? I wasn't Trent. I was messing with you the whole time. I cannot believe you actually kissed the guy.
[16:27] Salvation122: And then he punched you!
[16:27] Salvation122: This should teach you a valuable lesson: don't pester people on AIM.
[16:27] Salvation122: This has got to be the single most awesome thing that I have ever accidently done. I punched a girl in the face over the internet!
[16:27] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on

For those who don't get it, that means she blocked me.

But wait! The story sort-of almost continues!

Session Start (Salvation122:Idiot IM Girl): Wed Apr 06 16:57:03 2005
[16:57] Idiot IM Girl, under a new handle: trent this is Sydney and i just wanted u to know the hacker that got into our computer and combined our buddy lists came on pretending to be u so if u have any wierd things happen...thats why i have changed mine
[16:57] Salvation122: Jesus fucking christ.
[16:57] Salvation122: My name is not Trent.
[16:57] Salvation122: You are incredibly dumb.
[16:57] Salvation122: Please go away.
[16:59] Salvation122: I don't know who Trent is, but I assure you that I have owned the Salvation122 screenname since 1997. I am not him. This is not his screenname. Remove it from your buddylist.
[16:59] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on


	Logged

okay
okay, okay
you've won

Nate
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GUNS GUNS GUNS BIKES BIKES

Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #29 on: July 26, 2007, 07:10 AM »

from the Awful Forums again:

Guns? Fuck that shit, I'm made of solid steel bitches! When I jerk it in the shower I sound like a dishwasher full of dirty spoons. That's how I roll. ~Lincoln�s Wax

(On the baseball strike) Getting PAID to play a GAME? Are you fucking kidding me? You give me 500,000 dollars a year, I will lay naked on the pitchers mound and allow boiled potatoes to be fired into my asshole with a pitching machine. ~Tossed_Salad_Man

The second is probably the highlight of my life. While walking out of my dorm's computer lab, I overheard one large black man say to another: "Sometimes a nigga can't get enough waffles." - MonkeyOfDeath


	Logged

I will get you handjobs, on OKCupid.com.
8=============================D ~~~

azechiel
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She's too hot.

Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #30 on: July 26, 2007, 09:47 PM »

Quote from: Smutt on July 03, 2007, 08:54 PM

Quote from: Disco Stu on July 03, 2007, 07:45 PM

Quote from: Sanchez on July 03, 2007, 07:31 PM

Man finds some bees, overreacts like a motherfucker.

Pretty sure that was at Jay's place, not here.

Classic case of batshit insane, anyways.

I've never been over to Pinkerton's place and I've seen that before, so I'd guess it was here.


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As Falls Wichita
So Falls Wichita Falls

Sanchez
PWoT Moderator

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Simple, stylish, gangster.

Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #31 on: July 27, 2007, 05:34 AM »

I was raking about in the Poe News forum archives and I found this, which has to be seen to be believed. I know, I know, long chatlog, but fucking trust me on this one, okay? I went to the trouble of recolouring it to make it more readable for you.

--------------------------

Oof. This is a chatlog about my Fucked Up Uncle Paul (who left his porn lying around for me to find every Christmas and Easter). I wrote this while he was living in my parent's basement and my dad was still battling cancer. I've been meaning to give him the full shitty story treament, but the whole mess is
still too painful to talk about. Major updates in this story involve both my dad and Uncle Paul dying two months later (Personal note: please try to avoid having a dying man puke in your mouth while you're giving him CPR. It's really unpleasant.). The context for the beginning of this log was an incident
where I had become so fed up with Uncle Paul jerking off on my bed that I asked TEDA to prank call him as the Macho Man.

Original Title: My Uncle
Date: August 9th, 2003

TEDA] Say Burn the problem with your uncle is definitively cured, right?
[Burn_Hazard] uh looks like it
[Burn_Hazard] now he just steals my porn and jerks off on his sofa
[TEDA] Well at least he won't go in your room for fear of the MACHO MAN
[Burn_Hazard] problem: he leaves it out for the underaged to find but uh I think that's only happened
once so far
[Burn_Hazard] yes
[Burn_Hazard] put the fear of (Macho) God in him, you did.
[TEDA] Well then maybe the Macho Man should call him and reassure him that it's perfectly natural to
make your Slim Jim happy as long as it doesn't get too out of hand
[SRBtP] Um, Burn?
[SRBtP] I really have to ask what's up with the uncle.
[Burn_Hazard] well
[Burn_Hazard] everything
[Burn_Hazard] where should I start?
[SRBtP] At the beginning, I guess?
[Burn_Hazard] hmm, I guess
[TEDA] time to jerk off a gay man outside, back in a mo
*** TEDA is now known as TEDAway
[Burn_Hazard] well learning what I can from my dad and my other uncles his mom always always coddled him from the day he was born
[SRBtP] Okay.
[Burn_Hazard] no one would let him yell at him, ever
[Burn_Hazard] ever
[SRBtP] Right, right.
[Burn_Hazard] and he got all the best toys, GI Joes, etc
[Burn_Hazard] and the other 3 just got the table scraps
[Burn_Hazard] it sounds like he's had some run-ins with girls in the past but no knowledge is known
[Burn_Hazard] fast forward to when I'm a kid
[SRBtP] Mm hm.
[Burn_Hazard] He is still living with his mom, my grandma, who my family visits every year for christmas
[Burn_Hazard] at this point, all the other brothers have moved out and have been married at least once.
[SRBtP] And he's still alone and at home and doing the whole Norman Bates thing.
[Burn_Hazard] he has a job, a very shitty one, working as a chemist
[Burn_Hazard] he works pretty much all the time away from human contact and never gets weekends off
[Burn_Hazard] that comes later, Specs
[SRBtP] Okay. He went to college and grad school from home?
[Burn_Hazard] yes
[Burn_Hazard] I'm not sure
[SRBtP] Okay. Go on, go on.
[Burn_Hazard] time passes, and my sisters are born
[Burn_Hazard] now every christmas I have to sleep in his room
[SRBtP] Right. Is he in there when you do this?
[Burn_Hazard] yes
[Burn_Hazard] he snores a lot, and that leaves me time to explore the place
[Burn_Hazard] (it was hard to sleep, see)
[SRBtP] Okay, so you're exploring his room while he's sleeping and it's Christmastime.
[Burn_Hazard] anyway, this gives me time to discover that he leaves gigantic stacks of pornography all over his room
[Burn_Hazard] keep in mind his mother sleeps next door
[Burn_Hazard] AND that he doesn't even bother to hide them when children come over
[SRBtP] Oh.
[SRBtP] Hey.
[SRBtP] That's. Um.
[Burn_Hazard] now normally I'd be creeped out but hey I was 12ish at the time so woohoo free porn
[SRBtP] Of course.
[Burn_Hazard] still looking back that's uh yeah
[Burn_Hazard] also: he is now entering his late 30's and he still does not know how to cook, do dishes, or laundry
[SRBtP] How gigantic are these stacks we're talking about?
[Burn_Hazard] hmm
[SRBtP] Also: Burn, I'm 25 and I don't know how to cook.
[RobotRumpus] i know how to make eggs
*** Guest18666 has joined #portalofevil.com
*** Guest18666 is now known as JME
[Burn_Hazard] well they averaged about a foot to two feet high and they're were several of them
[Burn_Hazard] well oh well but what I'm getting at here is he had no basic knowledge of how to take care of himself
[SRBtP] Right.
[TEDAway] Cooking is not that bad to know but DISHES AND LAUNDRY?????????????!/
*** TEDAway is now known as TEDa
[Burn_Hazard] to this day "cooking dinner" means "buying food at the Cub food's Deli"
[SRBtP] Except for the most basic way of taking care of himself. Which he had down.
*** TEDa is now known as TEDA
[Burn_Hazard] yes his mom did all that
[Burn_Hazard] Grandma
[SRBtP] That's sad more that freaky. I mean really, really, really sad.
[TEDA] well when you live with your mom she cooks all the time, I'm sure
[SRBtP] My Mom cooks whenever I'm here (home).
[Burn_Hazard] fast forward a few more years, the neighborhood goes downhill in a way
[SRBtP] Oooh more, okay, go on.
[Burn_Hazard] their house becomes infested with roaches
[Burn_Hazard] later, it also becomes infested with stray cats
[Burn_Hazard] but that was mostly the garage
[Burn_Hazard] anyway, we still managed to come over for christmas, but mom was severely disgusted each time
[Burn_Hazard] holidays became less and less fun and moods in general darkened
[Burn_Hazard] it was during this time I saw that he had a pretty nasty temper on him
[Burn_Hazard] hang on, phone
[Burn_Hazard] okay back
[Burn_Hazard] okay so apparantly at some point there is a dispute about cleaning the house
[Burn_Hazard] I wasn't there for the start, but Paul [the uncle] pushes Grandma to the ground and starts to snap
[SRBtP] Wait - WHAT?
[Burn_Hazard] I didn't stick around after that but physical force was definitely involved
[SRBtP] Oh, Lord.
[TEDA] BEATING UP GRANDMA
[Burn_Hazard] keep in mind at this point the house is so throughly infested with roaches that they sit on the walls, fruit that has been sitting out for any period of time is not safe to eat, and apparantly my mother had found one or two sitting on my face while I was sleeping
[Burn_Hazard] I know
[Burn_Hazard] eventually, my family manages to convince them to spend a few days out of the house to get the place sprayed
[SRBtP] Good Christ, Burn, it's a fucking Tool video.
[Burn_Hazard] oh it gets worse
[SRBtP] Oh...
[SRBtP] Go on.
[Burn_Hazard] the exterminator had to use industrial strenght spray on the whole house
[Burn_Hazard] the kind meant for warehouses
[Burn_Hazard] in other words the highly illegal stuff
[SRBtP] Uh huh.
[Burn_Hazard] anyway apparantly this guy was kind of new and he was scarred for fucking life
[SRBtP] What? Really?
[Burn_Hazard] I was at school, but my parents and uncles went down to clean the house of dead roaches
[Burn_Hazard] yes
[SRBtP] Oh, man.
[Burn_Hazard] from what they said, the entire fucking floor was dead roaches
[Burn_Hazard] wall to fucking wall
[Burn_Hazard] no room left on the floor
[Burn_Hazard] and a trail of dead ones leading out the door
[Burn_Hazard] spiders were hanging from the ceiling on their webs, dead.
[Burn_Hazard] and when you'd break a hole in the wall more cockroach corpses would spill out
[SRBtP] I don't know what to OH MY GOD
[Burn_Hazard] it worked, though
[Burn_Hazard] so try to imagine all this happening right in front of you
[Gibbs] [SRBtP] so i had my hand on a dead guy's ass the other day and OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY BURN
[Burn_Hazard] I'm not surprised if the exterminator didn't just go home and shoot himself after that
[Gibbs] got to get your cherry popped sooner or later
[AngrySamoan] marks house was pretty beat
[Burn_Hazard] so anyway that christmas was spent washing the house from top to bottom, ripping up the carpeting and in general really shitty manual labor
[AngrySamoan] but not like yours burn
[AngrySamoan] his basement was a spot on replica of the evil dead fruit cellar, and not in a good way
[Burn_Hazard] daamn
[SRBtP] Okay, Burn, is there any more?
[Burn_Hazard] so things are fine, despite the fact that Paul is getting older and his social habits have not improved one bit
[Burn_Hazard] oh yes
[Burn_Hazard] fast forward one year, Christmas
[Burn_Hazard] I have woken up early, before the family, and I am walking to the kitchen to get a bowl of Lucky Charms
*** J-Speed has joined #portalofevil.com
[Gibbs] "The Lucky Ones!"(R)
[Burn_Hazard] I reach into the cabinet, and freak the fuck out as a huge fucking roach runs right down my arm and onto my shoulder
[SRBtP] WHAT THE FUCK
[Burn_Hazard] they were back!
[SRBtP] NO
[Burn_Hazard] YES
[Burn_Hazard] and there was no way in hell my Grandma was going to agree to leave the house again to get it sprayed
[SRBtP] And so your father gathered up his mother and took her the fuck out of that house, right?
[SRBtP] WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WASN'T GOING TO AGREE TO LEAVE FOR A FEW DAYS?
[SRBtP] IS YOUR GRANDMOTHER FUCKING INSANE?
[Burn_Hazard] no, my grandma was a stubborn one, and paul was still around to take care of her
[Burn_Hazard] (she's dead)
[Burn_Hazard] but I'm giving away too much
[SRBtP] DID THE ROACHES KILL HER?
[SRBtP] Okay, go on.
[Burn_Hazard] anyway, by now they have a small black dog, named Booba. He's pretty unimportant to the story except for the fact that uncle paul and grandma never ever ever cleaned up after him when he shit or pissed on the floor
[Gibbs] you're white trash, aren't you burn
[Burn_Hazard] they used to have a nice little patio where you could just chill on, but a few years of that dog and the fact they just covered everything with newspapers, and you wouldn't want to come within three feet of it
[Burn_Hazard] no, just recent immigrants
[TEDA] FROM MESSYDONIA
[Burn_Hazard] (my grandma was born in Lithuania)
[SRBtP] Okay.
[Burn_Hazard] SO
[SRBtP] Is the dog at least eating the roaches?
[Burn_Hazard] a-yup
[Burn_Hazard] but there are just too many of them
[Burn_Hazard] anyway the years come and go, and we just refuse to spend any more of our holidays at that house
[SRBtP] Of course.
[Burn_Hazard] instead we end up burning money staying at a hotel which lasts for about three years or so
[SRBtP] Okay.
[Burn_Hazard] we invite Paul and Bunia (Grandma) over for dinner of course, and things seem to be going well
[SRBtP] Okay.
[Burn_Hazard] later that year, in the third year, my dad is on a business trip to chicago
[Burn_Hazard] he figures he will save money by staying at their house
[SRBtP] Wait - what city is this?
[Burn_Hazard] Chicago
[SRBtP] Okay, Chicago.
[Burn_Hazard] keep in mind it's been years since anyone has seen the place
[SRBtP] Right.
[Burn_Hazard] well, it's still standing, but now on the inside the place has been utterly TAKEN FUCKING OVER by roaches
[SRBtP] Oh, God.
[Burn_Hazard] Paul and Bunia have to fight them for food
[SRBtP] You're...kidding...
[Burn_Hazard] the roaches openly attack anything you happen to be eating
[Burn_Hazard] no
[Burn_Hazard] they used to keep a bowl of fruit on the coffe table, now it's just a bowl of squirming roaches
[SRBtP] This cannot be real.
[Burn_Hazard] roaches would fall from the cieling into his cereal while he was eating breakfast, my dad said
[Burn_Hazard] it's all too fucking real
[SRBtP] Why did he stay there?
[Burn_Hazard] he wanted to save money and he was worried about them
[TEDA] by the way burn's dad is frankenstein and sometimes he gets mad and says DARN DARN DARN and the whole house shakes
[SRBtP] This is his mother, after all, I guess.
[Burn_Hazard] he wanted to convince them to move up to Minnesota away from the huge mess
[Burn_Hazard] mmhmm
[SRBtP] Okay.
[Burn_Hazard] Also! by now the roaches are fucking biting the dog
[SRBtP] HOLY GOD
[TEDA] a whole new dimension has been added to this now that I know your uncle is a Lithuanian immigrant
[Burn_Hazard] they have grown HUNGRY at the lack of food and are now biting the living
[Burn_Hazard] well uh he's first generation American
[Burn_Hazard] he was the very first guy in our family to be born here
[SRBtP] THEY'RE BITING THE DOG
[Burn_Hazard] YES
[Burn_Hazard] and the cats
[SRBtP] PLEASE TELL ME THAT THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING HERE
[Burn_Hazard] which by the way they have around 15 of them now
[Gibbs] and two of the three iguanas!
[Burn_Hazard] more than half of them are inbred
[SRBtP] HOW CAN THEY NOT REALIZE SOMETHING IS WRONG?
[Burn_Hazard] one is missing an eye
[SRBtP] HOW CAN THEY NOT DO SOMETHING?
[Burn_Hazard] I don't know
[SRBtP] Please, please don't say that a roach poked the cat in the eye.
[Burn_Hazard] I swear my dad almost killed himself after seeing that place
[TEDA] Oh. lame.
[TEDA] I was hoping he resembled the entranced video game playing guy in Evil Video
[Burn_Hazard] it was like the two of them had gone insane from apathy
[SRBtP] Did he get all teary-eyed telling you guys about it?
[Burn_Hazard] no he just refused to speak about it
[SRBtP] Oh.
[Burn_Hazard] I had to drag this all out of mom
[SRBtP] Okay, so then what?
[Burn_Hazard] well
[Burn_Hazard] time passes, and we get a call that Bunia is in the hospital
[Burn_Hazard] she is very sick
[Burn_Hazard] this is all around the same time I am about to turn 18 and I am working on my Eagle Project
[Burn_Hazard] Easterish
[Gibbs] i want to tell burn not to go there but i think he's gonna go there
[SRBtP] Mmm-hmm?
[AngrySamoan] EAGLE SCOUT!
[Burn_Hazard] yes :(
[Gibbs] you should be proud burn
[Gibbs] but continue with the story
[SRBtP] Please don't say that your Eagle project was eating the roaches or something.
[Burn_Hazard] well, according to the people in the hospital, she had fallen down and broken something
[Burn_Hazard] no it wasn't
[Gibbs] oh, thank goodness
[Burn_Hazard] she had laid there on the floor, for three days
[Burn_Hazard] surrounded by roaches, and dog shit
[Burn_Hazard] KEEP IN MIND that uncle paul was still LIVING THERE, and was GOING TO WORK AND COMING HOME
[Burn_Hazard] FOR THREE DAYS
[Burn_Hazard] [note I am getting pissed off just thinking about it]
[Burn_Hazard] apprantly he asked her if she wanted to move or if she wanted help up, but she just said no
[Burn_Hazard] Well, the whole family goes to chicago to visit her
[Burn_Hazard] she is slipping in and out of a coma, and apprantly her recovery is very unlikely
[Burn_Hazard] she has an open wound on her back almost a foot wide
[Burn_Hazard] because ROACHES HAD EATEN PART OF HER
[SRBtP] She raised a psychopath. She raised a fucking psychopath.
[SRBtP] OF COURSE SHE DOES IT BLUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
[SRBtP] FUCK YOU BURN
[SRBtP] YOU'RE LYING
[Burn_Hazard] I'M NOT
[Gibbs] YOUR LIFE IS SEVEN
[AngrySamoan] you're a doctor, get a strong stomach fag
[Burn_Hazard] My family had to clean it
[SRBtP] SHUT THE FUCK UP, LUCHADOR
[SRBtP] I'M NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW
[Burn_Hazard] this of course depressed the living fuck out of my dad
[TEDA] SPECS: I AM THE NEW KID PUKING HIS GUTS OUT
[Burn_Hazard] and probably took at least 10 years off his life
[Burn_Hazard] my Grandma finally passes on, because really how the hell do you go on living like that?
[Burn_Hazard] we have our funeral and my dad fucking BEGS uncle paul to move out of that house
[SRBtP] ALso: I hope your dad beat the living shit out of Paul
[Burn_Hazard] come live with us, whatever
[Burn_Hazard] Just to get out of that house
[SRBtP] Yes
[Burn_Hazard] Paul
[Burn_Hazard] REFUSES
[TEDA] UNCLE PAUL: THEY CREEP UP ON YA
[Burn_Hazard] AND GOES BACK TO THE HOUSE
[Burn_Hazard] TO LIVE FOR FOUR MORE YEARS
[TEDA] OKAY FINE DONT REMEMBER CREEPSHOW OBSCURELY
[AngrySamoan] I remember creepyshow
[AngrySamoan] creepshow
[AngrySamoan] yeah
[Burn_Hazard] EXCEPT now he does NO laundry at ALL and NEVER showers and of course NEVER COOKS FOR HIMSELF
[Burn_Hazard] things go south when it turns out that he's about to lose his job and go bankrupt
[SRBtP] Why is he about to lose his job?
[Burn_Hazard] so finally, FINALLY, after all that, he moves into our basement
[SRBtP] OH NO
[Gibbs] well for one thing he never showers
[SRBtP] Well, yeah.
[Burn_Hazard] because he has a really nasty mean streak, a short temper, and absolutely no personal skills
[Burn_Hazard] of any kind
[SRBtP] MY GOD
[Burn_Hazard] I mean none
[Burn_Hazard] so now he's living here
[TEDA] I wish his name was Colin, then it could be my nightmare roommate of nightmare roommates at Hillsdale
[SRBtP] Wait, wait, wait.
[Burn_Hazard] I've been working on him best I can, trying to turn him into a normal person
[SRBtP] So Paul is currently living with your parents?
[Burn_Hazard] Yes
[Burn_Hazard] actually almost my entire dad's side of the family lives in one house
[RobotRumpus] you cant turn people into "normals"
[TEDA] oh
[SRBtP] How do you not basically smack him in the head every day and say WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[Burn_Hazard] yeah but not quite so directly
[Burn_Hazard] we finally managed to get him to take showers
[Burn_Hazard] and he doesn't walk in on my sisters any more
[Burn_Hazard] (accidentally, of course)
[TEDA] Burn is putting white framed sunglasses on his uncle and teaching him to play air guitar so he'll be cool
[Burn_Hazard] and, thanks to TEDA's help, he no longer jerks off in my room
[Burn_Hazard] so things are getting better!
[Burn_Hazard] so yeah that's where we stand today

Chatlog Errata: My Grandmother didn't lie there in the cat-pissy, roach-crawling fitlh for three days, it was a whole MONTH without food or water. ALSO, Uncle Paul had to step DIRECTLY OVER HER to go to work every day. For a MONTH. My mother also confirmed the presence of roach eating when she would clean grandma's wound and found dead roaches in her back.


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willa
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #32 on: July 27, 2007, 06:42 AM »

Quote

[Burn_Hazard] no, my grandma was a stubborn one, and paul was still around to take care of her
[Burn_Hazard] (she's dead)
[Burn_Hazard] but I'm giving away too much
[SRBtP] DID THE ROACHES KILL HER?
[SRBtP] Okay, go on.

That's about halfway through the story. I broke down and started laughing at this point.

Then a minute or two later I screamed in horror and revulsion at my monitor because Spoilers: THE ROACHES DID FUCKING EAT HER ALIVE.

Its not that the story is so terribly horrible that got to me, although its pretty damn fucked up, but the way the guy telling it gradually built up to the final bit of insanity absolutely brilliantly. Maybe I should have been expecting it but I was not ready for that shit. Not at all.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #33 on: July 27, 2007, 06:50 AM »

Thank you for reading that. I feel better having spread the burden of this foul horror around a bit.

That poor, poor woman.


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Darkrenown
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #34 on: July 27, 2007, 03:09 PM »

Wow, that's some fucked up shit.


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Staff
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #35 on: July 27, 2007, 03:59 PM »

I am never going to fuck around with roaches. I see one in my dwelling and I'm burning the motherfucker down.


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #36 on: July 27, 2007, 04:25 PM »

The guy had to step OVER his mother, who was lying on the ground for a MONTH getting pissed on by stray cats and EATEN ALIVE by cockroaches?

I am sending this to my mother with the subject line being "I'm not such a bad son after all!"


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Quote from: Nedroid on September 30, 2007, 03:09 PM

I think we need to place votes on who is going to win the Eat A Baby the Fastest Competition. My money is on Surly Asian Woman. She means business.

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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #37 on: July 27, 2007, 04:56 PM »

How did she survive for a month with no food or water?


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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #38 on: July 27, 2007, 04:59 PM »

No shit Elfy, my mom complains that I don't talk to her enough.

And see people? I read all of that cos colors are fun!

Also, FUCKED UP.


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Sanchez
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Re: Other Forum Hall of Fame

« Reply #39 on: July 27, 2007, 05:14 PM »

Quote from: Nedroid on July 27, 2007, 04:56 PM

How did she survive for a month with no food or water?

Hey, she was amply supplied with roaches and cat piss.


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