I used to daylight with the Capitol Hill PD - emphasis on 'used to'. Though some might consider an actual department, actual badges and actual guns a step up from mall security, iron-on patches and walkie-talkies that you use to menace small dogs while softly whispering pyoo-pyoo, I've got no time for that freakshow. 

So it all started when Congressdame Cynthia McKinney changed her hair.  She was passing by my checkpoint; I can't say I didn't recognize her. She looked just like my dear old Mammy that baked the sweet June pumpkin pie and whose husband put on tap dancin' shows.



I flagged her down to compliment her 'do, but before I could get a word out, she stabbed me in the eye with a fourteen-inch double-headed jet black dildo. I was no stranger to Los Lobo Negro Gigante by Phake Phallus Ltd.; the department ordered eight of them when federal budget cuts meant we couldn't afford night sticks. 

"It was just an accident,” I commented angrily to the news media the next day, pointing to my eye-patch, neck brace and wheelchair. “I don’t expect anything to come of this.” But that fake penis did more than fake cripple me; it ejaculated intrigue square into my eye and, in a move I'm familiar with, didn't even warn me.

I've never known congress to be a particularly busy branch of our government; I've seen a lot of hustling, but never anything that flattened my balls. This scandal pressed the full vector of conspiracy against my testicles until they were more oblong in shape. Lo and behold, the next day I spy a man wearing a congressional ID pin, but since my depth perception was depth retarded, I stopped him to make sure. 



They call DeLay 'The Hammer'; a nickname hard-earned from countless hours spent pounding budgets and legislation. That, and his signature dildo - the Colt Pneumatic Ass Smasher .45, shining a patriotic red, white and blue. He pulled the ripcord and it started with a chigga chigga, working onto the chugga chuggas; he faked left, threw me off balance and went for the nads.

Now it's not actually a crime for a white man to crush the testicals of a police officer, but DeLay accepted the toy he petnamed 'DiLdo' as a kickback from Marty Dongdicklestein's House of Wood. The same day, investigators found a stash of exotic pocketasses with their serial numbers filed off in his Texan nightclub 'The Strip Mine'.



"It is with a heavy heart I announce my retirement," said the perp the next day, knowing I had him dead to rights.  "But I must, for my loyalty to the Republican party burns like a thousand beet-red baboon asses, spanked raw by Austrian orphanage matrons."

Ho-lee crap.  That was hilarious.  Give us more of what made PWOT great, Skimmers.

Give us the beef.