...
on balls, says a new study by the
University of Southern California that revealed that male fertility in the last few decades has dropped
by more than 25%. Experts say increased temperatures in the enclosed area of the groin can heat a man's precious life-chowder to near-boiling, causing a string of events known as the
ballhouse effect, where the testicles will stop producing sperm altogether and eventually
melt.
The possibility of a global male fertility collapse has at last awakened much of the world, particularly the 141 nations that have ratified the
Bologna treaty to reduce ballhouse gas emissions. The
Bush administration, however, has shown no willingness to address the dangling crisis in a serious way and Congress has not been much more encouraging, since more than 90% of its members have been vasectomized and therefore simply
don't give a damn.
Detractors of the Ballhouse theory have pointed out that proof of a connection between pollution and the recent damage to the precious twin orbs from which all life springs forth is tenuous at best. "Older studies indicate that the current drop is merely a temporary low point," one expert explained. "There is good reason to believe that global male fertility levels are subject to a
completely natural oscillating cycle, constantly swinging from one extreme to another, just like the genitals of a nude Kung Fu master engaged in a frantic post-orgy battle royale."
Regardless, all ballologists agree on the
importance of testicular safety and have compiled a list of things all males should avoid doing, which includes: smoking, having long hot baths, wearing briefs, wearing tights, wearing a jockstrap, not wearing a jockstrap,
owning a laptop, riding a bike, riding a horse, riding a porcupine, sunbathing naked near hungry birds of prey, using your scrotum as fishing bait or for teasing a cat, having your crotch stomped on by an elephant, and replacing a bicycle seat with a chainsaw.
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