...as the Canadian government ignored requests to cancel the 14th annual "Baby Seal Club and Fuck" that  began this weekend. Celebrities including Pamela Anderson, Paul McCartney, and Alec Baldwin called on Canada to 'abandon the rape and carnage', to which the Canadian government responded 'no'.

"It's utterly disgraceful," said actor Sean Penn. "How can sovereign nations refuse the advice of people richer and more popular than them?" Penn is currently living in the wilderness of Newfoundland, and is rumored to regularly dine with the king of the seals.



"This is ridiculous," said Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper. "Perversion is just like everything else - the sicker it is, the more you get off. Having sex with a seal and killing it while you climax is as good it gets."

Harper referred to the seals as a 'renewable resource' and a key factor in the Canadian economy, which relies heavily on foreign dollars brought in by seal hunt tourism. Though the majority of Canadians don't participate, analysts predict this year's hunt to rape and kill nearly 20 billion seals.

"How can the nation of Canada, a liberal democracy that boasts universal healthcare and hates America, participate in such a barbaric undertaking?" asked former Oasis frontman Paul McCartney.


Sir Paul McCartney

"It's actually very simple," says Canadian hunter Mitch Logan. "Seals are pretty slow, so you basically walk up to them with your cock out. They're filled with innocent curiosity, thinking maybe you'll give them a piece of salmon. Except instead of salmon, it's murder."

Even though the weekend holiday was consecrated fourteen years ago, the Canadian people have enjoyed baby seal anus for more than 20 generations. The seared flesh of baby seals is instrumental to traditional Canadian cuisine, which boasts delicacies including seal burgers, seal dogs, and seal parfait.

"Thees rahp, thees carnage - eet ees our heritage," said Canadian trapper Guy Lavigne.



A pile of beaten and molested baby seals declined comment.

Actually, barbecued baby snow seal ribs are better for you than beef or pork.  And they taste better, are tenderer and a lot more fun to catch.

That's from the news article. It's almost like the article itself is mocking the couple.

This is arguably funnier than the article, no offense intended to daimon.

"No really guys, these fisherman would be fine if they didn't hunt. We'll just give them all the money that they would have gotten. The Canadian has fourteen million dollars just sitting in a back room somewhere; if they'd just give it to these hunters, we could spare the poor seals!"

If left unchecked those seals would massacre the indigenous fish population.  By opposing the seal hunt you are supporting the mass murder of those fish.  Obviously your full name is venn bin Laden.