Sectarian violence continues to explode across Iraq, fueled by outrage over
the signing of controversial Wide Receiver Terrell Owens.
The flamboyant athlete is the biggest star of the Iraqi national sport of
Buzkashi, wherein a pile of goat carcasses is built in the center of the field, surrounded by both teams positioned in a circle. Each player then shrieks the name of his own father as loud as his voice will allow, while tearing out clumps of his own hair and flinging them at the goat heap. The "wide reciever" crawls around the circle on his elbows, attempting to silence the screams of the opposing team by stabbing them in the scrotum with the sharpened tusk of a slain wild boar.
The winner is decided by which team has the most Shi'ite players.
Owens was released from
The Tikrit Sand Grouses last season due to his flamboyant celebrations and his killing of nine opposing players with improvised explosive devices (according to Buzkashi rules, only living players count toward the total of Shi'ites). The league assessed Owens several penalties, but the Sand Grouses still posted a record of 173-46 for the year. That's why Owens was not unemployed for long before
The Mosul Lifeless Sands came calling with a contract for over 4,000,000,000,000,000 Iraqi Dinar ($45,000) a year.
Outraged Sunni and Sand Grouse fans set off a string of bloody attacks after news of the signing, followed by the predictable and brutal Shi'ite reprisals.
"The people, they are in turmoil," said Owens during a press conference held in his front yard. "But once the fans see my glorious tusk sunk deep in the crimson groins of our opponents, they will scream in the wonderful tones of horrified triumph that is unique to this sport."
Experts warn that is is impossible to overestimate the importance of Buzkashi to the Iraqis. By league rules, the loser of the yearly tournament is forced to burn down their own village and wander the desert as nomads for the next year, each wearing the Goat Carcass of Shame around their necks.
The new Iraqi government has urged calm amid fears that all-out civil war will seize the country. The Bush administration issued a statement reminding the Iraqis that Buzkashi is "just a game" and that there is no need for sectarian conflict because, quote, "Islam is not a real religion anyway."
Author
