...And it's
dolphins. The discovery was made as part of a multi-billion-dollar project to exploit every species in the entire animal kingdom by 2050. Until now, dolphins have never been useful for humans except when they unintentionally served as
underwater mine detectors in World War II.
Dolphins, which are often called the
Kato Kaelins of the animal kingdom, cannot be coaxed into producing honey, eggs or bacon and are very difficult to ride into battle. The new findings on depression may save the species from making the National Association of Biologists' annual list of
God's Mistakes.Thirty people suffering from
extreme depression were involved in the study: Half of them were assigned to
swim and snorkel with dolphins for an hour a day for two weeks. The rest also swam and snorkeled but not in the presence of dolphins. All the subjects discontinued antidepressant drugs or psychotherapy before the start of the study. The people who swam with dolphins were all but cured of their depression by the end, while the fifteen people lacking dolphin company, who also swam with backpacks full of bricks, got progressively more depressed until they one by one drowned from their depression.
"We were absolutely delighted when we saw the results," says head of research Dr. Jack Waterman. "The subjects got so attached to their new friends they couldn't be separated from them without
going mad with suicidal insanity, so we had no choice but to sell the dolphins to them at what we considered a very reasonable price, if you know what I mean," he winked while making a miniature castle out of money and jewelry.
"And this is only the beginning. Soon everyone will discard their depression-inducing pets such as cats and dogs and replace them with dolphins. And
nobody will ever be depressed anymore." Asked how the dolphins' depression healing process works, Waterman responded "Who cares" while rubbing his naked torso with thousand dollar bills.
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