Experts are calling this weekend's
pirate attack on a US-owned cruise ship an "utter disaster." The attack came while the cruise ship Spirit was exploring the wild and exotic beauty of the
southern Somali coast.
SomaliaThe pirates, sitting in two 25-foot boats and armed with
shotguns and machine guns, fired at the luxury liner for several hours, making a series of dents in the hull. The attackers then tried to board the 300 foot-tall vessel. All of them drowned.
"It was
horrible," British passenger
Lord Kent Foppington recalled after the attack. "When we heard the captain announce that we had been attacked by pirates, we promptly leapt from our champagne and sturgeon liver and scrambled on deck to witness the excitement. But what we saw was
a disgrace."
A number of the ship's crewmen took to the deck with broadswords in anticipation of being boarded. The "pirates" never arrived though, the men sinking like stones because most of them were wearing medieval armor for some reason. Witnesses say one wore a Nazi officer's uniform and another was dressed like a Star Wars Stormtrooper. All carried
modern firearms, which is considered a form of
cheating in piratedom.
"I had a bad feeling from the moment I saw them arrive," said New York millionaire
Robert Robertson III. "I've been the victim of four pirate attacks in the last year and there is no question this was the worst. I'm ashamed to have been a part of it."
"One even had
a bazooka!," said Foppington. "A blooming pirate. With a bloody bazooka. Simply disgraceful."
"At first we just stood there watching in disbelief as the pirates started to fire at the ship," added Robertson, emphasizing the word
pirates with quotation gestures. "It was the most half-assed thing I ever saw in my life. I mean holy Jesus breakdancing Christ on a halfshell, how freaking hard is it to add a fucking
arrrrrrr every now and then?"
"By this point, many had already groaned in frustration and returned inside, carrying in their chests of gold coins," said
Johann von Schadenstrudel of Germany. "The rest of us tried to be helpful at first, running after the pirates as they circled around the ship and giving them tips, but none of them would listen. No boarding, no plundering,
no raping, no nothing. They just thrashed around in the water while we booed them and pelted them with deck chair cushions. I think a few of them even started to cry, especially when several of us urinated on them."
The attack was apparently led by an inexperienced pirate who called himself
Hairbeard. Experts say piratism has been on the rise ever since the success of films such as
Pirates of the Carribean and
The Manchurian Candidate.
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