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[Mortal Wombat]

So this recent election has stirred up a lot of interest both at home and elsewhere about American politics.  People outside of the U.S. and something like 95 to 106% of those educated in the U.S. school system don't know anything about the basics of the American government.  So I'd like to put together a primer.  Here's some info to get started, feel free to chip in.  Please try to keep your information accurate and truthful.  This is a serious matter and it's important for people to get the right information and not be misled.

How A Bill Becomes a Law

1. Introduction

The United States Congress has two houses, the House of Representatives, and the Senate.  These are actually groups of people, not literal houses, differing from governments you may familiar with, such as Canada or France, where two large inanimate buildings make all the legislative decisions.  A bill can be introduced in either house.

In the Senate, the sponsoring Senator must run down a long, narrow gauntlet leading to the Senate floor.  On either side of the gauntlet are Senators from the opposing party, armed with slingshots, crossbows, and spears.  (Longbows were forbidden in 1957 after the infamous Kennedy incident.)  Without aid, and wearing only the traditional light armor provided for in the Constitution, the Senator must safely carry his bill through the gauntlet to the Senate floor.  While the sponsor is allowed to return fire, he generally does not, as dealing a serious injury to another senator can adversely affect his chances of getting that senator's vote on his bill later.

Curiously, the Constitution actually provides that all senators man the gauntlet, not only those of the opposing party, but as time passed, senators were so half-hearted when firing on members of their own party, often "accidentally" firing into an empty corner or across the gallery at an opposing party senator, that all involved eventually came to agree upon the convention that they would simply abstain, out of courtesy.

The House of Representatives, meanwhile, requires bills to be presented to the clerk of the House, who is guarded by a series of elaborate traps, which have evolved from the simple trapdoors and tripwires of George Washington's day to high tech lasers and motion sensors of today.  When planning out national strategy, each party makes certain to have a good number of professional jewel thieves and trained ninjas elected to the House, generally at least one per state.

2. Committees

Once the bill has been submitted, it is sent to one of various committees.  Committees are sort of like covens, made up of the most powerful magicians in Congress.  Congressional committee members are probably not quite like what you think of when you imagine a wizard.  They don't wear hats.  Also, most of them don't communicate with the underworld.  That is a privilege reserved for the committee chairmen.

When a committee receives the bill, they usually place it on a pedestal in the center and perform their various scrying spells, coaxing out its dark secrets and evaluating its economic impact.  After they have satisfied themselves as to its nature, each of the circle approaches the center one by one and places his or her own enchantments upon the bill.  Each committee member brings a different aspect of magic to the bill, some imbuing it with ancient earth magic, others enchanting it by the power of the moon goddess, a few calling upon the powers of the elements, and most using dark magic or summoned demons.

After bestowing their gifts upon the bill, the now laden document is taken to the floor for its moment of glory.

3. Debate

The debate portion of a bill's life can be very chaotic, filled with shouting, threats, and the sounds of war drums.  However, battle is not actually joined until the vote begins, so all of this is mostly posturing.  At the beginning, the bill's sponsor takes up his position on one side of the hall, while the opposing party selects a champion, who takes up his position on the opposite side.

As the bill is read aloud, congressmen rise from their seats, take up arms, and file in behind the side they plan to fight for.  When the bill has been read, the first gong is sounded - one gong.  This is the signal for the debate phase to begin.  The debate is not moderated, so both sides shout their taunts and threats at each other simultaneously, with only the loudest and boldest getting their points heard.  Eventually the points on either side coalesce into a united chant, such as, "NO MORE TAXES!" or "FREE SPEECH!  FREE SPEECH!" or "MY BODY, MY RIGHT!", and the war drums kick in to back up the chants.

At this point, the Speaker of the House, or the Senate president pro-tem, sounds the gong again, twice.  This signals both sides to prepare themselves for combat.

4. Vote

After a minute to prepare, whereupon congressmen load their weapons, take up sniper positions, file into formations, and are mounted onto their charges by squires, the final signal, three gongs, is sounded.

The battle then begins, and continues until one side yields, or until lunch, whichever comes first.  Congressional battles are not required to observe the Geneva Conventions, so any and all tactics can be used.  Due to great controversy, however, nerve gas is by convention not used.  Nuclear weapons and other large-scale explosives are also excluded due to practicality.

The objective is to capture or neutralize members on the other side of the vote, who can be identified by their colored headbands.  Removal of one's own headband is a violation resulting in immediate expulsion from Congress, and the nullification of your vote.

Every incapacitated (killed, unconscious, mortally wounded) enemy has their vote nullified, and every captured enemy has their vote changed to match yours.  The value of a captured opponent therefore has helped keep in check the number of casualties over the years.

When the lunch bell sounds, or one side yields by waving a manila folder, the battle is ended.  If the bill has received a majority vote, it is sent to the President to sign.

5. Sign or Veto

The President can now sign the bill by inscribing his Presidential rune onto it, a ceremony often performed in the White House Rose Garden, which results in an impressive and beautiful pillar of magical light filling the sky of Washington D.C. upon the moment of inscription.  When done in the Oval Office, it just temporarily blinds the staff.

The president can also refuse to sign the bill, and strike it down with a veto, a powerful dark magic spell bestowed upon him at inauguration.  Former presidents indeed still have this power, but without the Elder Staff of Veto and the presidential vestments, the spell has a completely different effect.  It is unable to affect bills, but instead will conjure a library from the ether.

If the president vetoes the bill, Congress is alerted by the crackle of thunder and the dark smoke rising from the White House.  They then have ten days to mount an assault upon the White House.  If they are successful in taking the fortress, the bill will pass.  If they fail, the veto stands.

In the assault, Senators are generally given positions of command, while Representatives generally are placed in infantry roles.  Although in the past, Representatives have fought hard and earned great honors for their bravery, they also traditionally exhibit a high casualty rate.  Over the years, laws have been amended to place a greater restriction on presidential power in this area.

For example, the President is limited to the use of White House staff and cannot bring in outside reinforcements or hire mercenaries.  Likewise, he must remain in the White House to command the forces himself and cannot retreat into the secret tunnels.

The Congressional objective is to secure the Oval Office and capture the President and his cabinet.  They are required to reach the Oval Office with at least 10 Congressmen, at least one being a Senator, and must capture the President, Vice-President, and three Cabinet members.  Common strategy usually dictates going for the weaker Cabinet members, such as the Secretary of Agriculture or Secretary of Veterans Affairs, but a surprise ambush on the Secretary of State can also be successful once in a while if the White House, expecting an attack on one of the lesser Secretaries, allocates less defenders to him.

If the goals have been secured at the end of three hours, the veto is overridden and the bill becomes law.  If Congress fails to take the White House, the leader of the assault must kneel before the President and receive, without flinching, a slap to the face.  The President then intones the ceremonial words, "I don't want to ever see that bill on my desk again," and the matter is ended.


Well, I hope that helps.  If anyone has any helpful info on the Supreme Court or anything else like that, I'd be glad to hear it.

[kelvinc]

I hear there are things called "whips" in these houses of Congress.  As a Canadian, I would appreciate further insight into these kinky-sounding entities.

[The Iron Colonel]

You neglected to mention the laser vision and flight granted to the President by the War Powers Act. That has drastically changed the legislative landscape. I'll never understand why congress passed that bill.

[bry]

This shouldn't be neccessary, but it is. Good luck.

Can't wait for when you go over current Supreme Court Justices, THEN it's party time.

[Mortal Wombat]

I hear there are things called "whips" in these houses of Congress.  As a Canadian, I would appreciate further insight into these kinky-sounding entities.

It actually originated with Lyndon "The Whip" Johnson, a fearsome and deadly senator who rose to a position of power in 1951 as one of the most successful fighters in Congress.  With his catlike agility and his lightning speed, he was able to disable most opponents before they could even land a blow, and thus gained the nickname, "The Whip".  Future Congressmen exhibiting similar prowess were then compared to the original "Whip", in phrases like, "Ted Kennedy is the Whip of the 60s" or "Trent Lott is really dominating this year, he could be the next Whip".

[DrDank]

Mortal Wombat, as a rich and independent high profile businesswoman, I don't have the time to research the inner workings of our government.  Tell me, what is the order of Presidential succession if the President dies?

[AgentScarn]

Mortal Wombat, I've recently received by my Jurist Dutist notice from the my local court.  As such, I believe I can detail some of the inner workings of the Supreme Court.

6. Judicial Review

A bill, once it becomes a law, is now subject to Judicial Review.  Judicial Review is the recognized right of the Supreme Court, made up of 9 Judges and three Motown singers, to review the Constitutional validity of any law.   This right of the Court was first recognized when the Supreme Court heard the case of Washington vs. Delaware.  This was a suit brought after Washington crossed Delaware.  Nobody crosses Delaware and gets away with it.

For the Supreme Court to hear your case, one must File a Suit.  Traditionally, this is done by presenting a linen suit to the Clerk of the Court.  Cotton and Wool have been accepted since 1952.  The Clerk of the Court takes the suit and "files" it.  File, of course, is a corruption of the French word "Filérieu," meaning, "to wear while prancing."  The Supreme Court gathers in its chambers and watches the Clerk of the Court present the suit by prancing, hopping and skipping around.

If your suit is acceptable, the Court will agree to hear your case.  The case is placed on the long Court bench, and each Justice takes turns hitting it with their gavel.  They are listening for many things, resonance, frequency, harmonics, echo, etc.  This is where the term "strong case" comes from.  If your case is not strong enough to withstand this test and cracks or shatters, you are immediately dismissed from Chambers and forced to sit on the Scales of Justice so everyone can see how fat you are.  Fatty.

The Justices then retire to chambers to consider your case.   Once a decision is reached, the Head Justice steps forward and shows you the patches on his arm.  If the Chevrons of Justice point down, your case was judged weak and you must walk the Walk of Shame.  If your case was strong, the Chevrons of Justice shall point skyward and you must also walk the Walk of Shame for this is the only hall that leads outside.  The Walk of Victory actually leads to the boiler room.

One other note, if there was much disagreement on the strength of your case, often the dissenting Justices will present what is called a Minority Opinion.  For much of it's history, this was presented by the courts resident Catholic.  This has changed has over the years, going from the Catholic, to Irish, to Italian, to Polish, and then to African American Justices.  Today, the responsibility lies with the female Justices of the Supreme Court.  Though shockingly racist and bigoted, no White Protestant Male has ever had the honor of presenting a Minority Opinion.  Maybe, someday, we can all be equals.  Maybe.

[1wabbit1]

Wombat, I've never been more proud to be an American.  Nicely done.

[kaosdad]

That is truly a work of art.  And Madd Props to AgentScarn also!  (I still no haves the Karmas).

[Mortal Wombat]

Mortal Wombat, as a rich and independent high profile businesswoman, I don't have the time to research the inner workings of our government.  Tell me, what is the order of Presidential succession if the President dies?

If the President dies, it is generally assumed that the Vice President is automatically given the position.  This is not true.  To be crowned President, the Vice President must, within 24 hours of the President's death, ascend the Washington Monument and sound the Horn of Challenge.  If no one responds to his challenge in the next three days, he is officially crowned.  However, he is Constitutionally required to fight any and all challengers, with the Speaker of the House, President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and Cabinet members getting first dibs.

If the Vice President is defeated by none of those, but by an ordinary citizen, that citizen must then defeat, in order, the Speaker of the House, the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and each Cabinet member, in order to claim the crown.  If the citizen loses to any of them, the one that defeated him becomes President.

Historically, this is a very rare event and has not happened since Teddy Roosevelt, triumphant and bathed in blood, stormed into the White House carrying a chain of severed heads.  Since Roosevelt was actually Vice President at the time, there was no need for him to kill the leaders of both Congressional houses and the entire Cabinet, but he thought it would give him a stronger mandate, and history has proven him right.

[Mortal Wombat]

Oh, also, the new president is then expected to eat the heart of the deceased president, if possible, to gain his strength and inherit his power, but of course that's probably common knowledge.

[DrDank]

Historically, this is a very rare event and has not happened since Teddy Roosevelt, triumphant and bathed in blood, stormed into the White House carrying a chain of severed heads.  Since Roosevelt was actually Vice President at the time, there was no need for him to kill the leaders of both Congressional houses and the entire Cabinet, but he thought it would give him a stronger mandate, and history has proven him right.

If i remember my old civics lessons, I believe that erecting a throne of the skulls of your slain rivals in the oval office gives a new President what is known as "political capital".

[xqby]

While AgentScarn's description of the judicial process is correct, I would like to explain where these men come from.

1. Entering the legal profession
Supreme Court members come from the dry regions of the United States, most famously Death Valley. Anyone may enter the running, but the tribes of prospective judges are nomadic, and notoriously difficult to find. If a member of the public does manage to find one of the Law Clans, they are given a calf, a skin of water, and a large supply of peyote. When the sun sets, they are cast out into the desert to wander for seven days. This is known as the Rite of Vision. If the neophyte manages to find the camp on the last day (an impossible feat without a spirit ally) they are granted the title Initiate, and given a Tome of Lore.

For the next two years the Initiate studies the histories of the Law, delving deep into the dark arts of the past. The calf given to the Initiate is their constant companion; it is carried on their shoulders, and only allowed to touch ground after nightfall. Every Winter Solstice the tribesmen run three miles, bearing their cows. This is known as the Feat of Strength. If at any point the calf dies or is placed on sunlit ground, it is considered an ill omen. The second time the Feat of Strength is completed, the candidate is granted the coveted rank of Lawyer, and given a brand so that they can record their thoughts on their cow.

2. Judiciary selection
The Justices of the Supreme Court are selected for life: typically three to four years. Antonin "Bloodthirst" Scalia is renowned for his resilience to both crossbow quarrels and cyanide--he was the first judge to ever serve for over ten years. In the rather likely event that one of the nine dies, the remaining eight mount their black steeds and bring the corpse to the Mausoleum, where it is burned. The purple smoke which rises alerts the president that a new justice must be selected, and he contacts the elders of the Law Clans, telling them to convene, and to begin the selection process.

From his scrying orb atop the Washington Monument, the president watches the wrestling matches at the Summit of the Clans, and closely reads the inscriptions on the cows. The competition does not always reach the end of the wrestling brackets, and winning confers no advantage. When the president finds a candidate whose cow thoughts are cogent, and whose wrestling stance bespeaks years of carrying a fully grown bovine, he calls a demonic portal into being which summons his chosen candidate into the Oval Office. The law cow is slaughtered, and its hide crafted into a Tome of Lore. The president then tattoos eldritch runes onto the buttocks of the Lawyer, in the hope that they will ward against the legislative branch.

3. The confirmation process
This stage closely mirrors how a bill becomes a law, except that the candidate must run the gauntlet, then debate the entire House. If he is capable of being heard through the cacophony he gains respect from the legislators and inspires his party to win the battle for votes. Participating directly in the melee described by Wombat in step 4 is somewhat frowned upon, though two prior Supreme Court Justices managed to turn the tide of their confirmation hearing by summoning powerful demons. Victorious candidates have their eyes ceremonially gouged out by Vice President, and enchanted spheres of purest onyx are put in their place. At this point they are considered a member of the highest court in the land, and fit to adjudicate matters of the highest importance.

[willa]

MW, I've always been confused about how the states can pass Constitutional Amendments. I've heard of attempts to ban flag burning and gay marriage, but how does it really work?

[wanderarbeiter]

Impeaching Supreme Court Justices

Impeaching a Justice is a very rare process, but isn't impossible. The power to start the impeachment process is vested in Jeff. Jeff is a title that is handed down to the 100th person named Jeff born during a full moon after the old Jeff dies. Once Jeff has tattooed the Mark of Jeff onto the first born of the Justice in question, the process begins.

The actual process is pretty simple. First the Justice must pick a Guinness World Record of his/her choice. The Justice must then challenge a representative from all 50 states to either tie or break that record. If the Justice can beat all 50 representatives, they are allowed to keep their jobs but are given the Curse of Jeff. The Curse of Jeff dictates that  a Justice must throw himself into the ocean if they ever see a snake and a wolverine cross a field going in opposite directions.

The impeachment process has only happened two times in American history:

- Hugo Black once tied himself to a bear for 57 hours straight in order to keep his job.

- Ben Cardozo died while attempting to swallow 19 swords while wearing a beard of bees.