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[Wicket]

Maybe with all that reverse engineered unicorn technology, you could create a Kamikaze-bee bug zapper!

So that no other cybernetic unicorn would ever fall prey to such a horrible death...

Orson Welles...may God rest your soul...

I just reread the battle replacing every instance of unicron with unicorn.  It made for a much more interesting show in my mind.

[Crzy8s]

Damn it, a giant unicorn mech sounded so much cooler... Unicron, BAH, UniCORN!

[Quagmar]

Due to general laziness on my part technical difficulties, I will update this on Monday.

[Quagmar]

HOMUNCULUS

versus

VERMINATOR

Preview:

"Well, Mr. Quagmar, we finally located you.  Lying in a gutter, stinking of liquor and failure.  How utterly cliche."

I can't do this anymore.  This tournament...tournaments...with what I have seen.  Traveling around, it has cost me everything.  My wife left me.  My job fired me.  This fucking thing doesn't pay anything, and all I do is see...

"Mr. Quagmar, I know...we know...the hardships this is causing you.  But you have to understand just how important it is that this series of events takes place.  You have to believe that we are on your side, and everything will work out."

I'm not sure if I have the strength of will to see this through to the end.

"You have to.  The fate of humanity, indeed your very world and its existence, rests with the events that you are presenting."

Oh, why would you fucking put that on me?  That is so unfair, to myself, and to this planet.

Shit.

...

Okay.


Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the next round of our battle royale of great discomfort!  Tip top Tektite turmoil takes place, as General Homunculus rolls in a ferocious swarm of Zerg insectoids to take on General Verminator's Dinosaur Marines featuring Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus (Version 2.0).  The Zerglings proved they belong here with a hard-fought victory over some equally disgusting Tyranids, while Verminator's experienced thunder lizards revealed some fancy new upgrades apparently courtesy of the Cyberdyne Systems Corporation.  This fight will be taking place right here, wherever the fuck I am...it looks like right in front of The Salvation Army in downtown Philadelphia!

Tale of the Tape: We have had a lot of wacky occurrences in Soldier of Choice, but I expect this one to be as straightforward as we get.  This has all of the earmarks of a brutal, relentless, evenly-matched slobberknocker that will test the mettle of both squads.  Both teams are ready go, so let's loose the insects and cyborg-lizards of war!
 

FIGHT!

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Early Rounds: The bell rings and, surprising only the slowest among us, the Zerg swarm RUSHES Verminator's army.  It looks like Cyberdyne has provided something else to the Dinos, however: SHINY NEW LASER CANNONS!  Unfortunately for them, though, dinosaurs have very little experience with laser cannons, even those with cybernetic upgrades.  Laser blasts fly wildly through the air, hitting Zerg, Philadelphia municipal property, and nothing in equal amounts.  The majority of Team Homunculus has quickly reached the lizard line, and the violent claw-to-claw combat we were expecting from this matchup has come to full fruition!



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Middle Rounds:  No angels are greeting these teams on the streets of Philadelphia as a brutal war rages on.  Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus has temporarily removed himself from the fray long enough to get a quick message out on his communicator.  Suddenly, dozens of tanker trucks roll into the field of battle, each one driven (in a very rudimentary sense) by a group of hilarious little COMPSOGNATHUS dinosaurs.  The Gunney takes aims and begins blasting holes into the tanks of the trucks, unleashing an enormous poisonous white cloud of INSECTICIDE!  The chaos has reached a fever pitch now, as Zerglings are stumbling around, trying to escape the enormous cloud that has been released.  Laser blasts continue to randomly light up inside the smoke screen, still firing off in all directions and hitting things that don't take well to being struck with laser fire.  I am having a hard time seeing what is going on, but I am guessing from what I can see is that the Gunney's tactic has had a deep effect on General Homunculus' squad.


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The Final Rounds:  The Zerg badly need a change in fortunes, and it looks like it has arrived once again in the form of SARAH KERRIGAN!  The Queen of Blades will need to bail out her insects one more time if they are to have any hope of taking this day.  The Zerg psychic is wisely avoiding the Orkin cloud, and she has spotted Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus.  She is launching a PSYCHIC ATTACK on the dinosaur's on-field leader.  It fails!  She is trying it for a second time...nothing!  Kerrigan spots the TYRANNOSAURUS group, and attempts to take control of them.  Failure!  It would appear that, between the modern enhancements and extremely small size of the dinosaur brain, Verminator's army is immune to mental attacks!  A random laser blast explodes from the battleground and hits Kerrigan right in the chest, knocking her down onto the sidewalk and severely injuring her.  This catches the attention of one of the T-Rex soldiers, who takes advantage of the situation and GOBBLES HER UP.  Tastes like chicken!  There is still technically a fight going on, but this is mop-up time now.  The remaining Zerg are barely moving and are being picked over by the carnivores on the dinosaur team.  The aliens certainly made a big dent in the lizard forces, but this day is owned by General Verminator!

  The victor!

Tektite's top two is halfway settled!  The next pairing will determine the Dinosaur's opponent in the division finals:

ANATOMICA vs. THE IRON COLONEL

[Homunculus]

Damn, I knew I should have spent the extra money and hired Duran and his crew of Zerg/Protoss hybrids. Well fought Verminator.

[Verminator]

Hard luck Homuculus - thousands of generations of evolution to create the perfect killing machines were no match for a couple of tanks of Raid. His bugs are going to be snacking on angels in heaven.

Our next bout is:



If you ever wanted to see Robocop fight Cthulhu, now's your chance. Anatomica fields a squad full of hard knocks and acting talent, the Iron Colonel fields a squad full of pure, unmitigated horror. Between the exploding crotches that are sure to ensue from Robocop's presence, and the pure maddening aura of outright terror-driven insanity that emanates from the ancient team of twisted deities opposing him... well, let's just say this is another one the under-10s should sit out.

[The Iron Colonel]

This is gonna be the best slashfic ever.

[Crzy8s]

Sweet, this will be enjoyed with popcorn

[Anatomica]

And we all know that in any Slashfiction, Bad Billy Burroughs totally makes Lovecraft his bitch.

[Quagmar]

ANATOMICA

versus

THE IRON COLONEL

Preview: Hello all, and welcome back to the rootin' tootin' hee-haw hijinks of the thread of war!  Tonight's matchup is one that is sure to bring plenty of double-takes and second-guessing as General Anatomica brings back the army of Peter Weller film characters to do battle with General The Iron Colonel and his merry team of Elder Gods.  The Weller Bunch survived a Master Chief invasion utilizing an obscure reference to a low-grade sci-fi flick, while the Colonel's Elder Gods won a ridiculous slapstick tussle against BigBill's Norse Deities.

I have a surprise for you fans today.  It seems our tournament has caught the attention of a couple of Hollywood script writers!  Yes, indeed, and they are especially interested in the proceedings today, since a famous icon like Peter Weller is involved.  Let me get your names, guys.  Just talk right into this microphone:

"Aaron Seltzer."

"Jason Friedberg."

Very good, guys.  Now, I have been instructed by my bosses that the two of you will be taking over the writing for today's conflict?...Speak up, boys, the mike doesn't pick up nodding.  I will call this thing just how you write it.  Good?  Okay, good luck, guys!

Tale of the Tape: Okay, so we have got some casting type changing.  The part of Peter Weller will be played by G. Thang, a hot coming-and-up star.  Yog-Sothoth, Hastur, Shub Niggurath, and Cthulhu are not audience friendly, so they are now called Shaggy, Scooby, Velma, and Jughead.  Velma will be played by Carmen Electra, Shaggy and Scooby will be portrayed by marionettes, and Jughead will be portrayed by the great actor Peter Weller.
 

THIS IS SPARTA!

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Early Rounds: Okay, so like ROBOCOP shows up, and he is preparing to shoot Shaggy and Scooby, but he can't hit them because they are high on HASTUR SNACKS.  Because they are full of rum and pot and stuff.  Robocop gets all mad and starts curving his bullets to hit them guys.  Suddenly, the Peter Weller character from Aliens (you know, the robot dude) puts on some glasses and tells everyone he is Dick Cheney, and he shoots Shaggy and Scooby in the face.  VELMA is telling them all, "Oh, no you didn't!".  She puts on a glasses and a Sarah Palin wig, and shoots up the robot-Aliens guy like BLAMM! Oh, and she shoots Robocop, who dies.


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Middle Rounds: Jughead, played by Peter Weller, is about to fight Sin Eater Peter Weller from The Order, played by G. Thang.  Before all of that, though, they have to use the bathroom, but there is only one stall available!  The Sin Eater gets in the stall first, but a foot starts tapping in his stall from the next stall over.  It's JUGHEAD!  Jughead is god of all of the water in the world, and makes the toilet swallow up the Sin Eater, making sure to hit the flush lever to send him into the pipes.  All three stalls have water shooting out of the toilet, making Velma EXPOSE HER TITS to the audience.  ROBOCOP is alive, but suddenly Scooby shows up in clown makeup and stabs Robocop in the eye with a pencil.  Robocop is dead.  Oh, and so is Buckaroo Banzai.


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The Final Rounds: G. Thang shows up as BILL LEE, and he is not wearing any clothes and eating a sandwich.  Velma's SKIRT comes off for some reason, revealing a skimpy thong.  G. Thang ingests some bug spray.  He slowly looks at the camera, and says, RAID!.  A massive explosion explodes massively.  Oops, it looks like G. Thang actually did eat the bug spray, so he is dead.  We don't have anyone left to portray Peter Weller, so it looks like the Elder Gods will have won!  Peter Weller celebrates, as does the puppet and the other puppet.  Velma celebrates by jumping up and down.  Her tiny thong can't hold all of her CRABS in, and they leap out and give all of the Elder Gods AIDS, which gives them the death, too.  Wait, we forgot to mention Robocop isn't dead.  G. Thang wins!

The victor!

...

Are you two...what the...

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?  I thought the two of you were professional Hollyw...Oh?  No shit.  Eighty million dollars, you say?  Well, big time celebrities like you should sign my special aluminum autograph bat.  It moves quickly, so write fast!

...

I am so sorry, folks.  I really, truly am.  Aaron and Jason are currently having some cranial bone displacement issues, and will not be returning for a sequel.  I promise.  Unfortunately, their result holds up as official, so welcome to the final eight, Anatomica!  Next, the Biri section kicks off again, with the following squabble happening first:

LOVERHINO vs. NOKOMIS BEATS

[The Iron Colonel]

Worst slashfic ever.

[Verminator]

The stage is set for an epic dinosaur-Weller dust off. Comiserations to the Iron Colonel's team, another casualty of the [word] Movie makers.

We are now set to finish off our final heat:



the reamining four in Biri are some of the most powerful armies left in the competition. Godzilla, Espers, secret agents and the Necrons are our four remaining quarter-final hopefuls. Our first engagement is:



Godzilla and his team of monsters are the largest remaining competitors with the death of Unicron, but LoveRhino's opponent, Nokomis Beats, has a team that remains unintimidated by size, as proved by their defeat of the Fremen and their enormous Sandworms last round. This ought to be an entertaining showdown.

[Anatomica]

I have no idea what just happened, or where my pants have gone.

[Quagmar]

LOVERHINO

versus

NOKOMIS BEATS

Preview: Break out the mariachi band, it's time for another installment of Soldier of Choice Two!  Today begins the semifinals of the Biri division, as General LoveRhino unleashes the legendary super-monster Godzilla to take on General Nokomis Beats' triad of Final Fantasy Esper enormity.  LoveRhino had a whole team of super-monsters, but most of them escaped during the beatdown of the punkass Bible heroes, leaving only the megalizard to fight the Espers, who were impressive in barely winning a tough fight against Squirly's Fremen of Sietch Pwotter.  Our location for the battle today is the town of Wasilla, Alaska.  Hey, look!   I can see Russia!

Tale of the Tape: Godzilla could have certainly used some assistance in fighting these powerful magic-wielding demigods.  I guess it is possible the Monster Island bunch could return, but more than likely the big guy is on his own, and this may be an unwinnable situation for LoveRhino's soldier.
 

FIGHT!

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Early Rounds: It's a bit chilly here today, and Godzilla immediately warms it up by firing off an ATOMIC BREATH BLAST at Exodus.  It connects, and the scion is feeling the effects.  Zodiark counters with a blast of its own, as a BANISH RAY shot hits the King of Monsters square in the scales.  Ultima doubles up by summoning a REDEMPTION attack.  Godzilla takes the full bore of the spell, knocking him off of his feet and stunning him somewhat.  LoveRhino's soldier is up, and fires off another massive atomic blast, this time squarely connecting with Ultima.  Exodus counters with METEOR, and it doesn't miss the massive target, thrashing Godzilla with thousands of tons of space rocks.  Zodiark nails his hurting opponent with another quick Banish Ray, which sends the Gigantis back off of his feet.  He is very slow to get up this time, and I fear that he cannot keep taking this incredible amount of punishment for much longer.


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Middle Rounds: Wait a second!  Something is coming over the horizon on the Godzilla side...it appears to be a monster!  It looks like General LoveRhino is getting some help from...oh.  It's just MINILLA, Godzilla's useless little son.  General Nokomis is suitably unimpressed by the assistance, and orders the attack to continue.  Minilla is standing in front of his fallen father, defending him from the Esper onslaught.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe today is the day Minilla fulfills his destiny and becomes a worthy successor to his dad's throne as King of the Monsters.  Junior loads up an attack, and he his firing his ATOMIC SMOKE RINGS!  The force of the shot is...err, nothing.  The rings directly connected with Ultima and didn't do one damn thing, except for maybe tickling it a bit.  Exodus drops a quick COMET attack on the tyke....annnnnd Minilla is dead.  So much for that.


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The Final Rounds: The three Espers continue their relentless attacks on the prone Monster Zero-One, looking to finish him off once and for all.  Spell after spell directly hits General LoveRhino's lizard soldier, with Ultima, Zodiark, and Exodus essentially standing over him delivering a Rodney King-esque beatdown.  One final FLARE attack from Ultima will probably end this battle.  It connects directly onto Godzilla, and he is finally dead!  This fight is over, and General Nokomis...

Hold on, something strange is happening.  The extraordinary heat from the Flare spell is reacting with the atomic properties of Godzilla's body.  It looks like even though the King of Monsters is dead, that won't stop him from getting in a parting shot using JAPANESE MONSTER MOVIE PSEUDOSCIENCE!  Godzilla's body explodes like an atomic bomb, forming a small mushroom cloud and sending the three hovering Espers flying backwards into a heap!  They appear to still be alive, but...

Oh, that is just...I don't even know how to describe it.  The radiation has caused...well, all three Espers have fused into one disgusting body, with appendages and eyeballs and wings sticking out in every direction.  The thing is totally hideous, and it seems to be in tremendous pain, but it is alive.  I guess that makes that thing our winner!  Congratulations, unholy radiation-laced tri-Esper abomination!

The victor!

Whatever the fuck that thing is has moved on to the final eight, and it will be taking on the winner between:

CODESPYDER vs. ARSON THE MUSICAL

[Verminator]

Oh Jesus. One atomic freak falls, and a brand new super-freak rises from the aftermath. Combining the corrupting power of radiation with the insanity of the Japanese can only lead to a contestant that is very dangerous and has a chance of going all the way.

It will oppose the victor of our final round-2 rumble:



The Necrons bring with them incredible power stemming from arcane science, but Sean Connery has shown codespyder's secret agent stars that a little sass is all that is needed to deal with that. However, that doesn't change the fact that they are heavily outnumbered, and while the Protoss might be beaten by a bitchslap or two, this might not be the case with Arson's soulless alien robot foot soldiers. This a battle between brains and brute force. It should be a fascinating showdown.

[codespyder]

All right men. Gather round gather round. This is going to be a pretty tough battle, so we're going to need a plan.

Bond, last time you completely lost your shit when you had to keep your cool. After all, you had to have an angry old Scotsman save your ass, which is pretty weak. This isn't going to happen again, is it?


"You don't have to worry about me."

Well I don't believe you. You're not taking point this time. Bourne is.



Bourne, here are the enemy's plans and strategies. You might want to look them over before you lead the squad into battle.


Find their weaknesses. If they have the alien of equivalent of testes, let the guys know so they'll know where to hit.


"They'll kill you for giving me this."

Relax. It's just a Warhammer game and some poorly-written fan-fic novels. I was supposed to give these to my nephew during Christmas, but the little dickweed wouldn't shut up about an Xbox 36-


"Who's your source? What's his name? What's your source's name?"

Uh, source? You mean the place I bought it from? It was Macy's. Marked up as $39.99, but they sold it to me for $20 and threw in the books as well. I have idea why tho-


"Because you found something. You talked to someone inside Treadstone, someone who was there at the beginning. Who is it?"

N-n-no, I really don't think that was the case. And I told you. I got it from Macy's.


"You have no idea what you're into here. These people will kill you if they have to."

No, I really don't think they would. Can you just drop the paranoia for a few minutes?


"No."

Why the hell not.


"I have amnesia."

Oh. You better give Bauer the intel then, so that he doesn't forget it before we leave to do battle.


"Yeah? What's going on?"

Take point. Study the intel. Aim for the nuts. Oh, and try not to get drunk before the battle.


"Sure."

... you're just lying to my face again, aren't you?


"Yes I am. But you're still going to have to trust me."

[Quagmar]

I want to take an aside here to wholeheartedly thank you guys for reading and praising this. It started off as a silly something I cobbled together in an hour while bored, a slightly elaborate inside joke that I fully expected to yield a few chuckles before falling off the front page abandoned, into something quite a lot more.

I haven't written anything in almost a year. I'd converted my writing room into a storage closet. Because you guys have been reading and commenting, I've finally gotten off my ass, cleaned the junk out and sat down at my laptop again. How sweet it feels. Thank you.

Binary posted this in his terrific Cracked Conspiracy thread, and I want to echo a similar sentiment here in this retarded story thread.  The comment above made me laugh a bit because I have been having similar thoughts.  I had gotten away from creative writing pretty much right after college (in other words, a long time ago), but working on this has reinvigorated me to begin again.  For all of the dick jokes and sophomoric stuff we post here, this community is outstanding in its support for creative endeavors in many different areas.  I am working on a couple of projects, which I will hopefully follow through on and show off here at PWOT.

To summarize, I just want to ditto College Binary:  Thank you all.


Update on this thing tomorrow.

[Scruff]

I think I speak for everyone else here when I say thank you so much for both this and the Cracked script. The levels of boner inducing awesomeness contained within your writing is astounding. You are a phenomenal writer and I take great pleasure in reading anything and everything you are a part of. Please for my sake and everyone mine and everyone else's sake continue to share with this community.

[Scruff]

That apparently got fucked up in the editing. Sorry for the retardation everyone.

[Quagmar]

CODESPYDER

versus

ARSON THE MUSICAL

Preview: The stage is set, the lights are lit, and it is time to determine the final participant in the Soldier of Choice 2 Elite Eight!  Today we have General Codespyder leading in a trio of Hollywood heroes (Daniel Craig's James Bond, Jason Bourne, and Jack Bauer) to take on General ArsonTheMusical, who heads a rambunctious group of Necrons fresh out of the Warhammer 40K universe.  We are coming to you from Paris, France, for no other real reason than that several of the SOC2 staff members wanted to meet Alizee Jacotey.

Tale of the Tape: There is an odd sense of familiarity for both sides today.  Codespyder's first round battle involved his men with an invading futuristic alien army, while Arson's soldiers barely survived an encounter with a small group of fictional characters.  Familiarity breeds both confidence and contempt, so this has the potential to be a great one.  Fire the pistol!
 

FIGHT!

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Early Rounds: Jack Bauer takes point and immediately begins to fire his gun at what he hopes are the NECRON'S NUTSACKS.  Bourne and Bond quickly follow suit, but the action is futile, as all of their bullets bounce harmlessly off the slowly advancing army of General Arson.  Bond notices a GAUSS CANNON preparing to fire upon them, and he quickly pushes his fellow soldiers into the temporary safety of a small alley, just as the cannon fire erupts into their previous position.  The Necrons seem supremely confident that these action heroes pose no danger to them, and at the moment I would have to agree.  Codespyder needs a plan, and the general needs it right now.


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Middle Rounds: Codespyder has appeared to gain a flash of inspiration.

General Codespyder: "You guys, you all appear in action entertainment."

Jack Bauer: "Yeah."

General Codespyder: "This thing we are in, it's a fictional story, right?"

Jason Bourne: "I get where you're going with this, General."

Bourne takes a quick look at the advancing army of Arson.  Several Necrontyr are moving around a group of parked cars.  Quickly leaving the covered position, Bourne fires his handgun at one of the autos, causing it to explode into a massive fireball, killing all of the Necrons that were nearby it.

James Bond: "Bloody hell, of course! HOLLYWOOD PHYSICS!


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The Final Rounds: The superagents move out and begin shooting at all of the parked cars on the street, and the targets respond by BLOWIN' UP REAL GOOD.  General Arson's troops are caught in the midst of the big-budget maelstrom, and many are perishing as a result.  Codespyder's boys have located some NECRON WARSCYTHES off of a few of the charred corpses, and they pick them up and charge confidently into the remainder of the alien army.  Bourne and Bond are especially impressive, using their GOVERNMENT TRAINING-FU to shred through the dopey zombie-like futuristic robots.  Suddenly, a weird mist has enveloped the battlefield.  The Necrons are gone, including the dead ones!  The vanquished space invaders have vanished from sight, meaning the Hollywood Superteam has reached the division finals!

The victor!

We have finally reached the division finals!  First up will be the war to decide the Lynel crown:

RIPPER vs. NEDROID