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[Quagmar]

WICKET

versus

ILLITERATI

Preview: Clash number nineteen is mere moments away, as we continue our 31-step journey to discover who will be the champion of Soldier of Choice 2!  Today's presumably and hopefully violent velitation vies General Wicket's ennead of freakish Rhinobears piloted by Nazgul and General Illiterati's Viet Cong (a group that, similar to their leader, dig shaft).  Wicket's monstrosities held a rampage rally on top of a pile of nerds on their way to defeating a group of fuzzy wuzzy Jedi kittens in round one.  Meanwhile, Illiterati's men prematurely interred some hippies, somehow making them less dirty than they were previously.   Our battle today is taking place in the muhafazah of Lahij in southern Yemen. We are in heavily sloped, elevated, and rocky terrain here, which may cause some problems for the digging guerrillas from Asia. Then again, the rhinobears may have some movement issues on the unfamiliar ground.

Tale of the Tape: The rhinobears have a significant size advantage over the tiny Viet Cong, in addition to the fear induced by the terrible Ringwraiths.  The Viet Cong will need every ounce of resourcefulness they can muster, and it still may not be enough to win this day.  Let's go!
 

FIGHT!

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Early Rounds: The rhinobears, true to their nature, immediately CHARGE towards the Viet Cong army.  On this day, however, their initial rush is thwarted by the unforgiving geography, and all nine of the genetic freaks end up losing their footing and tumbling a significant distance down the slope.  I will ignore linking that line to a boorish joke as I move over to General Illiterati's team, who have slowly begin to ascent to higher ground and has now suddenly given them an important elevation advantage.  The fallen fell beasts of the Wraiths have recovered, and are trying to mount an assault on the quickly entrenched Asian army.  The VC shower the slow-climbing animals with GUNFIRE, and it seems to be affecting Wicket's team.  I would say the leadoff innings are clearly in favor of the Viet Cong!


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Middle Rounds: The tough rhinobears have taken a lot of punishment from the dated squad of General Illiterati, but the have made their way close enough to the Asians for their Black Wing pilots to begin using their poisonous BLACK BREATH attack.  It is finding success, and the Viet Cong army begins to break ranks somewhat, as fearfulness and darkness begin to consume their very beings.  A few of the rhinobears have reached some of General Wicket's men rolling on the rocky ground in hallucinogenic agony, so they begin doing what they do best: SQUASH!  The stomping monsters pop the little guerrillas like juicy cherries, inspiring some extra terror in the already freaked-out VC squad.  The tide has swiftly turned in this war, and it is running red all the way to the bottom of the mountain.


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The Final Rounds: Illiterati is desperately trying to get the attention of his soldiers, some of which finally acknowledge their leader.  He orders them to DIG.  I don't know if it will work in the rocky soil, but urgent times call for drastic measures.  The Viet Cong begin digging for all they are worth.  Amazing!  It could be the adrenaline rush caused by overwhelming fear, but the little guys are doing it!  The soil is being quickly upturned, right in the very face of their horrific enemies.  Suddenly, the earth begins to shift...it's a ROCKSLIDE!  General Wicket's entire unit is caught up in the massive tonnage of dirt and boulder as gravity begins to pull them hundreds of feet down the mountainside!  The Viet Cong quickly seize the opportunity and begin another dig, quickly causing a second avalanche of earth to tumble down on top of the hopelessly stuck rhinobears and their wraith riders.  Wicket's army is buried alive!  Illiterati's team earns another gruesome victory!


The victor!


Another group entombed alive by the little army that could.  They await the winner of our next match to decide the Stalfos championship:

DAN vs. HYPERGLAVIN

[Verminator]

Tough luck to Wicket's soldiers, who are outsmarted and sent to their premature graves by Illiterati's decrepit freedom fighters. They face a lethal adversary either way in the next round, where they'll face the winner of our next duel:



Two awesome teams line up for our next rounds, and sadly it looks like another no-hoper for Dan's opponent. Unicron easily looks like the tournament favourite so far, and I doubt that even Hyperglavin's farmyard-mounted heavy weapons have enough firepower to take him down. Unless he has a joker up his sleeve, I can't see anything but another win for Dan. However, be wary of an upset for placing your bets. Stranger things have happened in this tournament.

[Rockin Joe 12]

my bet is on unicron. Planet eater vs goatling goats. Yeah, put me down for the bigass robot.

[Wicket]

I see that my demoralizing smack talk was apparently not considered a factor in the match.  Maybe you see it as underhanded but it's a legitimate strategy.  I'm not calling Illiterati a cheater or anything.  That would be bad sportsmanship.  But I will say this:

Cheater.  Make of it what you will.

[Crzy8s]

Sorry Wicket. I didn't catch that last part about cheating, due to the muffled screams of your ringwraiths being smothered by 2,000 tons of rock.

[† Dan †]

Let battle commence!
Let's hope those goats haven't been upgraded to incluce opposable thumbs, cos if they've got one of those fancy Matrix Of LEaderships then I'm fucked.

[Wicket]

How did you know that it was about cheating then?

Liar.

[Crzy8s]

Sorry Wicket. I didn't catch that last part about lying, due to the muffled crunches of your rhinobears' bones being crushed by 2,000 tons of rock.

[Quagmar]

DAN

versus

HYPERGLAVIN

Preview: Welcome once again, one and all, to our continuing saga of relentless bloodshed!  Tonight, General ChristiancrossspaceDanspaceanotherChristiancross (who we will refer to as "Dan" from now on) enters his gigantic planet-eating Transformer Unicron back into the fray to take on General HyperGlavin and his imaginative goats featuring miniguns for faces.  HyperGlavin's R&D team have developed space suits equipped with little jetpacks so the rollicking ruminants can take the fight to the massive metal monster in outer space.  This fight will take place close to the Moon, which means Mr. Unicron is not too far away from maybe the idea of turning our homeworld into a tasty appetizer.

Tale of the Tape: General HyperGlavin is not feeling very confident in this matchup.  We have obtained an audio copy of a conversation he recently had with an unknown gentleman who apparently has had dealings with the largest Transformer before.  The sound quality is awful, but we will play it for you anyways:

"What can I do to that fucking thing?...the key is (muffled sound)...But we just don't have that!...No one does!...(brief shrill noise in background)...these things can work?...Maybe, but it has to (muffled sound), do not go into the mouth, there is no escape from there...He has to be in robot form...I only get one chance with the (shrill noise again)...yes, just one shot...CLICK."

Viewers, I don't know what to make of this.  I personally think there isn't a sling big enough to take down this Goliath.  I hope there is, because our very days on this world may hinge upon finding one.  Soon.
 

FIGHT!

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Early Rounds: Unicron floats near the moon in PLANET form.  General HyperGlavin holds his troops back from attacking, knowing a frontal assault would be a fatal bloodbath.  Unicron seems wholly disinterested in the minuscule rocket goats, and he takes a hungry look at the delicious CRATERED WHITE ROCK nearby him.  He is transforming into his robot form!  HyperGlavin orders the charge, and the goats begin moving towards Unicron, seemingly rolling up towards his head.  General Dan politely requests that Unicron take care of the approaching goatling horde before satiating his appetite for destruction.  The mega-Transformer is disinterested.  The goats pose no threat.  It will be a few minutes before the goats reach firing distance, so we will take a short break.


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Middle Rounds: Unicron has begun to chow down on our natural satellite, and the high-velocity shrapnel from his meal has actually taken out a few of the goats.  The remaining army has floated up to his RIGHT EYE, where Unicron can obviously see them.  He is laughing at the futility at whatever they are thinking about trying.  The goats fire...but, those...those aren't bullets!  What the hell is that? Wait, HyperGlavin is providing me with a sketch of the ammunition.  It's...bees?

Exploding bees!  Well, still, I don't think...wait...the KAMIKABEES have found a tiny opening in Unicron's ocular area, and have entered inside the the beast!  Unicron laughs some more, though.  The shots into his body, even with live exploding bee ammunition, have failed to even cause cosmetic damage to him.  Still, the goats presence is starting to irritate him, and he begins swatting at the floating goatlings, who try their best to avoid him while getting out of range.  A few more goats get smashed by the flailing hands of Dan's beast.  If the goats don't have another plan, the eventual outcome will be inevitably bad for them.


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The Final Rounds: Inside Unicron's head, the Smart Bee Ammunition seem to be searching for the brain area.  They have reached it, but the sight they find is...extremely...highly...unexpected.

It's ORSON WELLES!  Only, he looks like he weighs about 40,000 tons.  Plus, he is naked.  Very, very naked.  Hundreds of tubes come from all directions and end at his engorged mouth.  This is the secret!  Unicron doesn't actually consume worlds, as we understood him to.  He eats planets in order to process them into a state where they are fed directly into Orson Welles.  We thought the actor had simply died, but this has been revealed to be incorrect.  He took his money and constructed a world-sized refining plant in order to feed his superhuman appetite! Welles is the true planet-eater, and the man behind the Unicron curtain!  Fear sets into Welles eyes, as he realizes that in his current morbidly obese state, he cannot defend himself against HyperGlavin's Kamikabees.  The little buggers fly into the fat man's torso and EXPLODE on contact, destroying the True Planet Eater instantly, as blubber and rock fly off in all directions.  With the brain gone, the body of Unicron stops moving, floating harmlessly above a chewed moon.

The key was the size.  Everyone tried attacking it with large creatures.  Welles never dreamed that something so tiny and dangerous would ever find its way through the tiny vent holes located in the eye.  The goatling gunners have saved the Earth!

  The victor!

Orson Welles' insatiable hunger is finally at peace.  On our front, the Tektite four move into action, beginning with what should be an audacious and brutal fight:

HOMUNCULUS vs. VERMINATOR

[HyperGlavin]

Holy Science, that was close.

In other news: WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, NASA? REJECT MY IDEAS WILL YOU? I SAVED THE GODDAMN PLANET WITH MY "STUPID ANIMAL THINGS", YOU PRICKS!

[Wicket]

You should have come to the Institute of Totally Real Science.  We conduct things and do things.
In the words of the whiniest Skywalker, NASA was jealous.  They were holding you back.

[HyperGlavin]

I'm doing fine on my own, now. GlavinCorp stocks have reached an all time high after our team managed to salvage the Unicron technology. We may even be able to reverse engineer some of it in time for future battles.

[Verminator]

A magnificent upset! One of the tournament favourites is spectacularly defeated! Well done Hyperglavin, and thank you for saving our planet. You face a bunch of old men with rifles next round.



Now, we head onto our next round for Tektite division:



It's Homunculus' Zerg horde facing off a certain handsome person's troop of cyborg dinosaur footsoldiers.

Now, when signing up to SOC 2, Homunculus commented that his Zerg force was like mine, only better. Fair enough, but now my force has a few updates, and as such I personally cannot wait to see our two armies go head to head. Both sides have plenty of tough, strong soldiers to throw at each other, and capable leaders in the form of the powerful psychic Sarah Kerrigan, and the foul-mouthed hardass, Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus. His brand new cybernetic implants only make him even harder to kill. Both forces forced their way past tough opposition last round. Homunculus managed to overthrow the mighty Tyranids in an epic battle-of-the-bugs, and I managed to squeeze past Tunneling Explodebear's squad of bears wielding the powers of the very elements.

Only one team can join the final eight. May the best predators win!

[Crzy8s]

Maybe with all that reverse engineered unicorn technology, you could create a Kamikaze-bee bug zapper!

So that no other cybernetic unicorn would ever fall prey to such a horrible death...

Orson Welles...may God rest your soul...

[Illiterati]

Holy shit balls, I'm going to be up against those goats. THOSE TERRIBLE GOATS!

Fortunately, I have already contacted my ex-KGB friends in the black market arms business, and they've offered me a sweet deal on some state-of-the-art Russian weaponry. I don't think HyperGayfag's smelly farm critters will be any match for my army once they're fully upgraded.

Behold, my arsenal!

PPSh-41 Submachine Guns



I heard these guns were top of the line. And they fired, like, 5000 rounds per second or something. Fuck yeah!


T-34-85 Tanks



If the Russians can use these bad boys to conquer Berlin, then I sure as hell can blast a few goats with them.


K-Rations



My boys have been looking rather skinny as of late. It's only fair that I feed them something after winning me those battles.

Watch out, HyperBallsack. With my new-and-improved army, your goatling freaks will never stand a chance!

[Homunculus]

I can't help but say that I am disappointed that Gunnery Sergeant Stegosaurus and his soldiers have resorted to technology to supplement the more than adequate gifts that nature gave them. Regardless of this, the dinosaurs are fine specimens I would love to assimilate them into my armies. May the better army of murderous monsters win.

[codespyder]

My boys have been looking rather skinny as of late. It's only fair that I feed them something after winning me those battles.

Your poorly-thought out strategy only highlights your unbelievably incompetent leadership.


What you should have done is feed your men nothing. Order them to either fight and dine on supple, tender goat flesh, or die trying.

As Marlowe once said, "Hell hath no fury like a gook starved."

[Illiterati]

Well, as another famous man once said (that man is me), "codespyder is a fag, my leadership is awesome."

Also, it's not like I'm feeding them truffles and caviar. No, no, no. Those K-rations contain mostly raw goat meat, to get my malnourished gooks used to the taste of their foe's flesh.

WHO IS INCOMPETENT NOW

[HyperGlavin]

Holy shit balls, I'm going to be up against those goats. THOSE TERRIBLE GOATS!

Fortunately, I have already contacted my ex-KGB friends in the black market arms business, and they've offered me a sweet deal on some state-of-the-art Russian weaponry. I don't think HyperGayfag's smelly farm critters will be any match for my army once they're fully upgraded.

...

Watch out, HyperBallsack. With my new-and-improved army, your goatling freaks will never stand a chance!

As long as we're laying our cards on the table for the next round, I should show you what my R&D unit has created to combat your cunning yet cowardly methods of subterranean warfare...



The lab boys are very proud of themselves right now. Good luck on the field, general.

[Illiterati]

oh shit bears