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[mellowmonkey1]

If you put 1000 monkeys with typewriters in a room and give them thousands of years to write a screenplay, you will only receive "Dunstan Checks In" and sequels to Dunstan Checks In

Dinosaurs want you to think they are extinct, the truth is they are hiding waiting for the right moment to strike.

Dolphins know of the Dinosaurs plans and laugh at us from a far.

[Fillmore]

Men without ties are over twice as likely to get pickpocketed as men without pants.

The first human in outer space was actually a monkey.

It is considered extremely poor manners to waggle your penis at strangers in Mozambique.

If you sneeze over twelve times in one minute, it is the result of a sorcerer's spell.

When played backwards, Bruce Springsteen's song Born to Run reveals the lyrics, "I shoot and I throw and I dunk and I pass, I'm better at basketball than your punk ass."

Contrary to popular belief, a stitch in time saves only four and three quarters.

President James Garfield loved lasagna, but hated Mondays.  Ironically, he died on a Monday after consuming a poisonous lasagna.

My rash seems to be growing in size, but at least now it itches less than it did.

Raw eggs explode when they get within ten feet of the sun.

[codespyder]

There actually is a spoon.

Hammertime is legal after 7pm in Estonia, except on Sundays and public holidays.

Swiss cheese is named as such due to the holes prevalent in the Swiss countryside, which are in fact caused by a combination of meteorites and Bigfoot.

[Illiterati]

The only land animal that is faster than a cheetah is the Toyota Corolla. It is also more fuel efficient and has a crumple-zone.

[Dr Awkward]

Only two metals are found in a liquid state at room temperature. They are mercury and love.

In Japan a handshake is a common method of exchanging souls.

Despite its famous neck, the giraffe is actually a very boring animal.

The Norwegian jumping shrew is a made up animal.

[joebounty]

Tom Petty will stand his ground.

No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing.

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

[optimusprimerib]

You should try posting the equivalent of "my hair hurts" in all of the languages of the world.

[DeusExticle]

The number of turtle shells in the world is a constant.  Newborn turtles must fight another turtle to the death.  In addition to getting the shell, the winner is also entitled to a coupon for a free cup of coffee from McDonalds.

Putting a top hat on a snowman does not make the snowman come alive.  That's absurd.  Even if it did come alive, it would have no muscles, bones, or organs.

Turning your stereo speakers to the loudest setting can cause ear damage.

It is impossible to become invisible without the use of invisible paint.

Whether you kept your receipt or not, most stores will not let you return used condoms, even if they did break.  Those that do accept returns will only give you store credit.

The internet tastes like cherry soda.

The best way to find out if something is flammable is to attempt lighting it on fire.

No country in the world accepts styrofoam packing peanuts as currency.

Nothing is permanent.  Except for death and super glue.

[Quagmar]

Linoleum is made from crushed squid bones.

Ancient Assyrians used stone blocks weighing upwards of 1500 pounds to spatchcock their poultry.

Abraham Lincoln was a top-shelf bowler, and he had a large hand in creating the modern game of tenpins that is common today.  In his time, bowlers would throw the pins at heavy balls in an attempt to make them stand up.  Matches were time-consuming and very difficult, and most people gave up before a winner was determined.

Cameras do actually steal a bit of life-essence from a person whenever their picture is taken.  It is why people who have a lot of pictures of themselves posted on the internet seem to be soulless creatures.

It is impossible to play country and western music while standing at the South Pole.

[Navigator2001Plus]

- I am hungry again.

[theorrhea]

The month of november is a bit shy.

Charles Darwin did not actually coin the phrase "the iron curtain."

There are bees.

People most often stretch their own legs.

[Kicsi Viz]

The Hawaiian island of Oahu has three Interstate highways.

[Nedroid]

-The largest pizza ever baked was bigger than the continent of Australia.

-90% of decapitations are fatal.

-The average American spends more money on shoes than he does on golden scepters.

-The longest word in the Chinese language is "帽子."

-You don't see a lot of private eyes around anymore.

-There are more babies alive today than master samurai alive ever.

[Quagmar]

Caesar salad was invented in Mexico by a chef trying to win a bet on whether he could trick American tourists into eating anchovies.

The number 23 appears over two times in Martin Luther's Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences.

Dick Cheney once ate an entire gorilla during a week-long Caribbean cruise in 1991.

Cutting your lawn only makes the grass grow back thicker and stronger.  Lawnmowers of the near future will need to be as large as a Nissan Pao to compensate.

Humans only use about 15% of their kidneys.

[chaika]

Helen Mirren used to be pretty hot.

The best color is Green.

A Coyote cannot drive an Oldsmobile uphill.

[AgentScarn]

There are Four Lights!

[Patrick.]

The Spork was created when a Spoon and a Fork collided in a black hole.

[DeusExticle]

Shoes are like hats for feet.

Taken daily, only certain types of apples will keep doctors away.

If time traveling is too difficult, just tell people that you're from the future.  Seriously, how will they know the difference?

The Hall of Mirrors in a carnival fun house is not really fun.

People will not notice if you skip brushing your teeth for a day.  You could probably go an entire week before people would start noticing it.  But that is pretty nasty, by most people's standards.

You can still get arrested for being drunk in public if you're trespassing in someone else's private property.

Most stores have signs saying, "No shirt, No shoes, No service".  Still, if you walk in wearing a shirt and shoes and nothing else, you will probably get arrested.  I guess adding "No pants" to the list would have taken too much effort.

[Quagmar]

Surgeon Robert Dobalina of Baltimore, Maryland, wooed his future wife (X-Ray Technician Dolores Magadan) by passing notes to her that were sutured onto the organs of various patients.

The biggest Brad Pitt fan in the world is Charlene Kinney from Sacramento, CA.  She weighs 924 lbs.

The diameter of the world's thickest floss comes in at 23 inches in diameter.  It has only been used three times.

Jimmy Joe Joober (age 6) from Little Rock, AR, holds the record for the catching the biggest fish ever lied about, weighing in at a jillion million babillion pounds.

Baseball home run champ Barry Bonds has to wear a shielded football helmet all of the time because the gravitational pull of his giant head causes small objects to hurtle towards his face constantly.

[nathan_birch]

- Human women can be difficult to understand, but research continues unabated due to their excellent potential for sex.

- In the early 20th century Coca Cola used to have cocaine, black tar heroin and up to an ounce of gold powder mixed into it.  Each bottle cost 1 dollar, which is the equivalent of over 10 thousand dollars today.

- Bacon is the world's most perfect food.