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[captain_awesome]

Sure you've read Cosmo and have taken the advice on how to please your man very seriously but when it comes down to it the best advice anyone can get is from a grandfather (don't look the Germans in the eyes!) or a critically ill and dying best friend (55 shots of Sambuca is a bad idea!).  What is some of the best advice you've ever gotten from someone?  Something that really clicked within you, something that really affected you?  Maybe it was something philosophical or maybe it was simply something that helped you hit better while playing that boring, horrible sport of baseball.  Share the best advice you've ever gotten here.

For me, my favourite bit of advice was from my dad:  "Son, don't play pocket pool.  The referee's a dick."

[MotherDuck]

"Vomiting on a dude while giving a blow job is not a good idea" from my Mother

[wart0027]

'Shut the f**k up!' - everyone

[Moonburger]

"Don't sow the seeds where you don't want the garden."

That little gem came from my father.

[captain_awesome]

"Don't sow the seeds where you don't want the garden."

That little gem came from my father.

Coming from a guy who has recently twice now busted a nut inside a girl without any protection, that is great advice.  Fuck, where were you 3 weeks ago?

[NZSkep]

"Don't sow the seeds where you don't want the garden."

That little gem came from my father.

I had a similar one from my dad

"If you are going to sow the seeds, make sure you have a coathanger ready to destroy the garden should one start to grow"

[Moonburger]

I had a similar one from my dad

"If you are going to sow the seeds, make sure you have a coathanger ready to destroy the garden should one start to grow"

He didn't have a gardening themed tool for the destruction?  Mattock, thatching rake, trowel, nothing?

Coming from a guy who has recently twice now busted a nut inside a girl without any protection, that is great advice.  Fuck, where were you 3 weeks ago?

I believe I was still lurking on the site at that point, may I redirect you to NZskep's advice on how to deal with the situation should your crop start growing?

[Pecked by Birds]

"Know your plants. Don't wipe with poison ivy." - Scout Troop Leader

[phluxcapacitor]

"don't take any wooden nickles" -- Dude I worked with at Home Depot.

[Logical Penguin]

By a coworker of mine, on how to avoid any and all trouble while under the influence of alcohol:

"Always remember: If you're seeing triple, it's the one in the middle."

[Moonburger]

My music theory teacher (upon receiving his tenure at my college)

"I could decapitate one of you and use your head as a soccer ball, and all I would get is a paid vacation"

We couldn't tell if he was kidding or not...

Moral of the story:  Do not mess with your college professors, as apparently they are rewarded for killing their students.

 

[DeadSnake]

"You're like a little baby crying for death!" -  This little 6-year old that Lotharian and I happened upon before our next class.  And I will never forget it, because that is what life is really, little babies crying for death.

[Lotharian]

Hm. I wonder what that little girl is up to these days.

[Remington]

I hope she isn't reading this thread because if she had by now she'd surely have killed herself.

[MadPiper6]

My music theory teacher (upon receiving his tenure at my college)

"I could decapitate one of you and use your head as a soccer ball, and all I would get is a paid vacation"

We couldn't tell if he was kidding or not...

Moral of the story:  Do not mess with your college professors, as apparently they are rewarded for killing their students.

It was a joke. Sometimes, teachers use especially dry humor to alienate the stupid students so that they won't bother them after class about their poor grades.

[procrastinatrix]

From my mother, the Ambassadatrix of Drunken Cryptic Profundity and the Grand Mistress of Metaphor Mixing:

"You are an old man and you have a boat, but if you spend all your time fishing, you'll never eat anything.  Every fish in the sea would jump in your boat if you weren't always smacking the water with your oars."

"If it looks like an asshole, and smells like an asshole, it's probably gonna taste like an asshole."

"Always buy shoes that talk."

"You gotta laugh to the beat of your own drummer when you're dancing to your own jokes."

"Never, ever sell the army in your head."

I've translated and applied each of these gems to various situations over the years.  It's been at least a decade since I've bought a pair of shoes without a little pre-purchase mental repartee, and you'll never see me licking anything that smells like an asshole.

[captain_awesome]

I just got some great new advice today from someone I know who works in law enforcement:

"Technically, it's not illegal to drink while driving.  It's only illegal to drive while impaired.  Open liquor, however, will get you ticket, but that's nothing."

[Moonburger]

My music theory teacher (upon receiving his tenure at my college)

"I could decapitate one of you and use your head as a soccer ball, and all I would get is a paid vacation"

We couldn't tell if he was kidding or not...

Moral of the story:  Do not mess with your college professors, as apparently they are rewarded for killing their students.

It was a joke. Sometimes, teachers use especially dry humor to alienate the stupid students so that they won't bother them after class about their poor grades.

Yeah, it was pretty funny at the time that he'd said it.  He was straight-faced and said it with such a matter-of-fact way that we were put off guard for a second (he's normally a very sarcastic person).  never-the-less, we spent the rest of the quarter making blood oaths to defend each other should he ever go on a killing spree, usually in front of him (you can never be too careful...). 

[i_am__dumm]

"Vomiting on a dude while giving a blow job is not a good idea" from my Mother

Unless, of course, the guy is into that sort of thing.

The best advise I've gotten: "If whiskey doesn't work, try heroin." - Heroin dealer

[i_am__dumm]

If anyone is wondering how I could misspell "device", take a look at my username.