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[GovtMinion]

OK, NHL 10. Time to talk.

I've raved elsewhere on these very forums about the improved goaltending. And it's a lot harder to pass now, which I'm adjusting to. I like this- it creates a greater challenge for me, and that's a pretty good thing. You did this really, really well. Kudos.

But we need to talk about fighting.

See, on no less than seven occasions so far since you came home with me, I've ended up in a fistfight on the ice. You made a big deal out of the new first-person perspective fighting, and I looked forward to it. That, after all, is what a hockey fight really looks like- not viewed from the side, but face to face. I've played hockey for years, I'm pretty familiar with the mechanics of it.

SO WHY IN THE SWEET CHOCOLATE CHRIST CAN'T I THROW A PUNCH?

I know how- it says in the manual how. It even tells me on the screen how. But no matter what I do, my player stands there like a fucking inflatable clown and takes punches until he mercifully falls over. I end up with a five minute penalty for a fight that I was a mere spectator for. This causes me untold rage and fury, and makes me want to take my only punch of the fight at the Xbox itself. With a mallet. Out a window.

Fuck you in your multiple missing teeth, NHL 10!

[FrankLee]

Fallout 3...

I'm probably on my 5th or 6th run-through. I really love the game itself, but this weekend it REALLY pissed me off.

In Minefield, there's a house with a locked, miniature house inside. The lock on it is insanely difficult. You need a 100% to pick it. In previous run-throughs, I always ran across it when my lockpick skill was still too low, and would forget about it until it was effectively too late. Well, this run-through, I finally got my lockpick skill perfected early enough to finally go back to that house and pick the lock.

What mysterious wonderful object would it have? Maybe more power cells for the alien blaster? Maybe a unique weapon I hadn't found yet? A helmet or hat that grants even better bonuses than the Shady Hat?

(SPOILER ALERT, highlight from here to the closing tag to see)

NO! It was 3 fucking buffout and 9 bottlecaps!!!

(/SPOILER)

Thanks a lot, Bethesda, for the most anti-climactic bullshit to ever grace a boss chest.

[Nevrmore]

The model home and the entire mini-plot surrounding it is a direct homage to the Hideo Kojima game Snatchers, Frank. In both games you can come across the body of a man named Gibson, sitting against a wall with his head in his lap. You can loot a key to his home and a note that says "Search the house!" off his body. Looking in the model home within his house in both games yields the same items: Some cheap drugs and a little bit of cash.

So it's pretty much a waste of time if you're not familiar with Snatchers, but kickass if you are.

[FrankLee]

So it's pretty much a waste of time if you're not familiar with Snatchers, but kickass if you are.

Ahhhhh... okay. Thank you for the explanation, I'd have never known otherwise. I've never played Snatchers, though I'm a fan of Hideo's other works. I wonder how many obscure references like that were completely lost on me? I know I was stoked about that guy in Fallout 2 who sings "Shines the name Roger Young," even though it added nothing, cause I'd read Starship Troopers.

I should have guessed it was an obscure reference to something.

[Nevrmore]

List of Cultural References in Fallout 3

[Joseph Nistal]

Dear Steam, Gearbox software and 2K Games.

Fuck you and your bullshit release date system, I get up at 4am on the date I expect to be able to play Borderlands and instead find that you've gone and fucked up the dates of release for Europe and Australia and have delayed it 3 days "To match the release of retail outlets".

Just a hint guys; it's already out and being played right now. Any PC copies you ship can legally be sold early given the embargo has already been broken. There is no way to justify delaying the game any longer than you have to unless you need to fix something. If not, let the game release and step the fuck aside.

It's not like you even have to release the content on that date, anyone who's bought it would have pre-loaded the game in lieu of it's "unlocking". This exact behavior can most likely attribute to why more and more people are turning to downloading games instead of purchasing them. I want to fund this game, it looks great. But getting stingy over an arbitrary release date that delays other countries enjoyment? You guys can go fuck yourselves.

This game had better be worth it.

[Xiru]

Dear Steam, Gearbox software and 2K Games.

Fuck you and your bullshit release date system (...)

Seconded, damn it.

[Bacter]

Oh thirded. OH GOODNESS, thirded.

[Ipunchsharks]

SkiFree,

Fuck you yeti.

[InMotion]

Dear Football Manager 2010,

I know it's early days and there'll probably be a patch soon, but god fucking damn it stop making me score own goals.  This is stupid.  I'm conceding one in every 3 games at the moment.  What makes this harder to deal with is the fact that you've accidentally given David Villa a finishing stat of 18 and then decided that when given 5 one on ones in a match he'll just miss them all.

[NZSkep]

Dear Motorstorm Pacific Rift on PS3,

I bought you yesterday and was looking forward to playing for a couple of hours when I got home before my wife demanded control of the TV. Instead I am greeted with a requirement to download a patch before I can play.  Ok, I think, I’ll quickly download that and play.  Turns out the patch is over 600 freakin’ megabytes, and for some reason is downloading so slowly that it is going to be over 10 mother fucking hours before I can play.  What The Fuck Motorstorm pacific Rift?

Incidientally, I checked the patch notes to see what amazing updates are included in this behemoth of an update.  A few bug fixes (that shouldn’t have even been there in the first place on a console game by the way) but the majority is a whole bunch of DLC tracks and game types that I will still need to pay for to access. 

Top Tip for game designers:   don’t force people to download a 600MB expansion they have zero intention of ever buying.    If I ever change my mind and decide to buy the update then I am prepared to download it.  You don’t even give me the option of patching later either. What if I just want to play the prepatch game a little bit and download this juggernaught of a patch overnight? 
No chance. 
Not allowed.
You MUST download the entire thing that you are never going to use  before you can play the vanilla game.

[Scruff]

If you disconnect it from the internet then you can play the vanilla game without the patches.

[ex.belle]

I knew early on not to expect much from WET but the amount of glitches in that game were just TOO MUCH.  I don't know how many times I had to restart the Xbox because it crashed during a load screen. 

And at some point, I shot a guy off a balcony.  He fell over the side, but his foot stayed on the ledge.  I don't mean his foot became detached, he turned into friggin Mr. Fantastic and stretched all the way down the building.

Also the entire last boss is - a quick time event?  The WHOLE thing?? Gaaaah.

[dagur]

Fuck you Call of Duty 4. I shouldn't have to fend for my life less than 2 seconds after spawning. Seriously, if I get spawn killed again, I'm punching you in the dick.

[Workman]

Resi 5 Spoilers...

Hey! Hey, Wesker! No come back, I won't shout at you, I promise. It doesn't matter that I'm clearly shooting you in the head and you're not dying. That's fine. Its cool that you can catch an RPG with your bare hands, that's quite a party trick. I'm fine with the fact that you can make me tap X at an alarming speed to clamber onto a rock to shoot you in the chest. Thats all gravy, baby.


But if you fail to understand what Lava is and its effect on bodies once more, I will knob you. To death. With my Knob.

Next time, less QTE's and pointless set pieces, and more of me firing acid grenades into your nads, eh?

[Zammy]

Grandia 2,

I've had you for a long time. You're a light, fun RPG with some great, if cliche, music and characters. You have to be one of my favorite RPGs.

So why the shitting fuck do you make me fight battles that it is impossible to win? And not just the "man this guy is tough. I guess I shouldn't have skipped that random encounter area before fighting him" tough, but the literal, 100%, has-over-10,000 HP-when-my-highest-character-has-just-about-500 HP impossible. The "even if you train for an hour to get the same amount of HP, you still won't be able to get this guy below 1 HP" impossible.
I understand that you might want to impress me with how powerful he is, and that would be fine if he stayed that powerful when I fight and actually are allowed to defeat him later.

Seriously, fuck off. It is one of the most disappointing, empty feelings when I win like that.

[milestarcar1994]

Dear Fallout 3

I love you and all, but I like the small guns too much. Yeah, I carry a mini-gun in case I run out of assault rifle ammo, but damn it, you give me only 5mm ammo, and no assault ammo. When I do run out of ammo, I have to use the mini-gun, but 1 pistol bullet makes 2 times more damage than 20 mini-gun bullets, just because I have a low big guns skill.

Fuck you, Fallout 3, for being so unrealistic.

[VillainousGodot]

To Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2,

Thank you for giving me some good ol' nostalgia in that your AI characters have the same programming as in the NES X-men game.  A parked car on fire should not be more dangerous than the level boss!

[Laxflow]

To All Pro Football 2K7,

I know you're not the newest of games, and that you don't have the best graphics but I always loved playing you. Your over the top teams and stadiums, your incredible ability to actually make blocked field goals possible, and your possession of the greatest players in football history make you a very good change of pace from other football games. However, why the fudge can players such as Dan Marino, Johnny U, and others fail to make even the most slightly accurate pass unless they are perfectly lined up? I know this is realistic but I don't give a shit, I want to be able to drop back 20 yards, scramble away from linemen, and still be able to throw a perfect 80 yard bomb off my back foot as is the case with QBs in every other game! Also, I'm starting to wonder if any of the defensive players in the game have ever heard of the ability to catch the football. On one play, what would have surely been a pick taken to the house sailed right through my linebacker's hands, off his helmet, through the outstretched arms of my CB, and onto the turf. I'm sorry to say this, but not one of these players could even catch crabs in a whore house.

[LanceUppercut]

Dear Mortal Kombat 2,

I find it somewhat absurd that, despite being able to clear MK1 and MK3 in under half an hour, I've spent two hours a day for the past three weeks playing you and getting nowhere. Maybe it's because the combo system is terrible, maybe it's because Shao Khan is a mountain of a man, I dunno. But given that you're only Mortal Kombat 2, you really have no excuse for being so ball-bustingly difficult. So let's get around to changing that.