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[bartle]

A History

I posted about DF about ten months ago, but it didn't seem to catch on here. However, some time ago a group of maniacs at Something Awful cobbled together a succession game and chronicled their exploits in the fabled halls of BOATMURDERED.

Highlights:

+ StarkRavingMad's entire stint as Chief
+ The gruesomely-hilarious scenes engraved in artifacts
+ The Scaldpocalypse, or "Flooding, Magma, and Screaming"
+ Each Chief trying to one-up his predecessor's tomb

WELCOME TO BOATMURDERED!
THERE WILL BE ELEPHANTS

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What is Dwarf Fortess, you ask? Look here, here, and here.



I would be more than willing to start a PWOT succession game, especially when the new version of DF is released.

[Mortal Wombat]

Some of them seemed pretty straightforward, but StarkRavingMad's was pretty funny.

The Manager demanded a clear glass window in his room. To fucking look at what, I asked him. Your room doesn't have a hole leading to the outside. Your room doesn't have a view of anything. The best I can do is put in a window that is 2 feet away from a stone wall. He doesn't give a shit. He wants a window. Fine, I hope the cocksucker falls through it while drunk.

(I had a hard time deciphering the images, but I put the placeholders in for timing.)

The brave military men of Boatmurdered assemble by the front gate, and they brave themselves for a rush at the mighty elephants.

(image)

And it was about then when the fucking dwarven caravan arrived. I ordered the military to hold fast. Let the caravan guardsmen get themselves slaughtered by the elephants before we do.

(image)

Which was also right about when a goblin thief jumped out and got clobbered by a stonefall trap

(image)

So the merchants arrive to see blood and vomit everywhere, us hauling corpses en masse to the graveyard, a couple rampaging elephants

(image)

WELCOME TO FUCKING BOATMURDERED!

[bartle]

(I had a hard time deciphering the images, but I put the placeholders in for timing.)

Once you play the game for a few hours, though, understanding the GUI becomes second-nature. It's like Cypher watching the Matrix.

[bartle]

Goddammit I hate you people sometimes. You'll read about gay ol' Harry Potter but can't be bothered to witness the glory of dwarves vomiting on cats or dwarves going on murder sprees while on fire.

[Therum]

...

You've convinced me.

[HappyKitty]

I'll bite, especially after reading this:

Olon the Kinslayer, leatherworker of Yore

So I barely made it through the winter. Didnt have to eat the dogs, but I was at the point where half my dwarves were hunting for vermin, while my few desperate fisherman fished up a storm from the underground river, and tried to clean the damn things at a pace to meet demand. Lost a dwarf to starvation, but made it to spring and finally got some crops in the ground. My early spring migrants doubled my population, bringing all sorts of useless talent (oh hurray... more jewelers...).

The only solution of course was to make the jewelers hunters. Armed with the few crossbows I had around, or their fists, Olin and Edem set out to hunt deer. Edem has become a rockstar, wrestling 5-10 deer to death, occasionally deigning to fire fish bone crossbolts to do the job. Olin on the other hand got his ass handed to him, and is currently being starved to death in his room.

Now then, this finally brings us to my story. As a result of having all this deer carcass to process, I set the butchery to repeat butcher, and rooted around to find my one novice butcher, and set him to work. A day or so later, tragedy strikes. "Olon Erithseneb has been taken by a fell mood! Olon Erithseneb has killed Vabok! Olon has claimed a butchery!"

So here I am panicking a moment. As I take a look, it appears he entered his little craftsmen's trance, seizing the butchery for his holy/unholy work (already I am a little concerned). As my butcher was currently in there trying to butcher deer at a frantic pace, murder was obviously the answer.

So after a day or so of dedicated work, Olon emerges victorious having created this:

Olon Erethseneb has created Kessoshosh, a dwarf leather leggings!

Now unless I am misunderstanding this, his fey trance led him to murder a fellow countryman.... and create pants from his still bleeding corpse.

Simply stunning. He is of course a legendary leatherworker now... I can only hope he will be happy working with more mundane materials in the future....


What do I do?

[bartle]

If you can't read through the whole thing, at least read the last two or three pages. Pathos?

[Mr. Matt]

That was fantastic, I'm determined to figure out how to play this game now.

[Mr. Matt]

Actually no, on second thoughts, this looks retardedly complicated.

[bartle]

Actually no, on second thoughts, this looks retardedly complicated.

It's not. Just give it a few hours to warm up. Trust me.

[Mr. Matt]

Actually no, on second thoughts, this looks retardedly complicated.

It's not. Just give it a few hours to warm up. Trust me.

If something takes a few hours for me to figure out the basics then it's not something I want to casually embark upon. After getting some smiley faces on what appeared to be some kind of ice standing next to a wall and being completely unable to figure out how to make them do anything, I was at a loss as to why there wasn't a tutorial.

[bartle]

Actually no, on second thoughts, this looks retardedly complicated.

It's not. Just give it a few hours to warm up. Trust me.

If something takes a few hours for me to figure out the basics then it's not something I want to casually embark upon. After getting some smiley faces on what appeared to be some kind of ice standing next to a wall and being completely unable to figure out how to make them do anything, I was at a loss as to why there wasn't a tutorial.

You sound like you've made up your mind, but anyway: Something Awful has a fairly comprehensive and entertaining tutorial here.  And if that link doesn't work or you want more, there's always the wiki.

To tell the truth, this is a pretty casual game, as long as you get used to the idea of your dwarves dying as a matter of course.

[Sacktacular]

Actually no, on second thoughts, this looks retardedly complicated.

It's not. Just give it a few hours to warm up. Trust me.

You remind me so much of those guys back in high school who played Magic.



Girl: What's this? A card game?

You: Yeah! It's so awesome! I'll teach you how to play!

Girl: I guess...

20 minutes later

Girl: What is this..a land? You said I tap it, right?

You: That's right...NO, JESUS, NO, not three lands! The spell only costs two. If you tap three, then you get mana burn, reducing your life total to 19 instead of 20. Every bit of unused mana costs you a life. Good job, now you can put your enchantment down. See what it does? Every upkeep it puts a +1/+1 counter on all creatures with phasing.

Girl: This is kinda boring...

You: No! It's okay! This is where it gets fun. See, it's my turn now! I'm summoning a Black Knight. He has 2/2 toughess and power! He has summoning sickness, so I can't attack this turn.

Girl: ...

You: Okay, my turn is over. Don't forget to untap your lands, or you can't use them after your draw phase.

[bartle]

You don't understand! This is fun! We're having FUN, GOD DAMN YOU!

[Mr. Matt]

I'm... I'm not a girl... :'(

[David Wong]

Bartle bumping his own thread pissed me off so much that I'm locking it out of spite.

I've banned people for bumping threads.  If people aren't interested, they're not interested.  If everybody who made a non-starter thread insisted on bumping it until it got sufficient attention, the forums would be fucking unusable.