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[facefault]

Granted! However, the blinding pain from burning in the fires of every star in the universe at the same time prevents you from appreciating it much.

I wish chytrid fungus didn't exist.

[rafaelmondini]

Granted. Now you have to cope with the sheer amount of amphibians that will live in your backyard, porch, living room, kitchen, bathroom and, finally, bedroom.

I wish my nails didn't grow enough so I have to trim them.

[bathwithtoaster]

Granted. Your nails slowly grow back into your fingers. You have to use pliers to tear the nail from your flesh to alleviate the immense pain.


I wish that I had a cute, attack kitten that would obey my commands and love me.

[FR-Z-N]

You got it, but the only commands the kitten knows are "pee on the carpet" and "scratch master's nuts off". It's still very cute and affectionate, however.

I wish my dishes were clean.

[Copperpot]

Granted. A Mexican lady magically appears in your house. She cleans your dishes, mops your floor, and does your laundry. She even cooks you a magnificent dinner. You are satisfied and you lay down in your freshly made bed and drift off to sleep, you smell lavender. When you wake up you notice that you're in your bath tub and it's filled with ice; your head is pounding and you have a severe pain in your side. You feel for the source of the pain and notice a huge amount of stitches. Confused, you then see a note taped to the wall in front of you, it reads: "Senor, gracias por tu kidneys."

I wish my pen never ran out of ink.

[xqby]

Your pen is a neverending fountain of blue dye. You are the first drowning victim, trapped in your small writing studio. Within four months the entire planet is covered in a four-foot deep layer of ink, choking off all plant life on land, and poisoning the oceans. By the following year humanity has been reduced to small bands of people eking out a meagre existence on their roving boats.


I wish I were a bear.

[simplymomm]

Granted: You are now a 350 pound, flannel wearing, two-foot long beard possesing, pickup truck driving, tobacco spitting, gay man.

I wish my wisdon teeth would fall out on their own.

[facefault]

Granted! They fall into furrows in the ground and become Spartoi, which kill you messily.

I wish I had spent the last 5 hours studying for my midterm.

[rafaelmondini]

Granted. You go back in time, study for 5 hours and fail the test.

I wish it wasn't so hot here.

[magpyre]

Granted, the temperature plummets to -70c your blood freezes in your veins, all the birds fall from the sky dead and the only survivors are cockroaches.


I wish giving up smoking was easier.

[7obias]

Granted. Unfortunately the cravings get a lot more intense. An ex-smoker discovers that you are responsible. He snaps, comes to your house and breaks your legs.

I wish Eddie Murphy did another stand-up show

[Copperpot]

He does. Unfortunately it's still 2009, and Eddie Murphy's funny died in 1992.

Speaking of which, I wish Eddie Murphy was still funny.

[ihateyoukenny]

In order to become funny again, Eddie Murphy performs a satanic ritual and invokes an evil demon. The human sacrifice he performs is using your parents.

On the plus side, his new stand-up show is hilarious.

I wish my cell phone would stop running out of battery.

[Epicjester]

Corruption) Your battery disappears and is replaced with a plug, ensuring limitless energy, but only when plugged in.

Wish) I wish I could walk through walls

[Mike Litoris]

Granted.  You can walk through walls!  You discover this when you lean on the outside wall of your 52nd story office.  Unfortunately, the floor is still non-permeable for you, and you find this out 10 seconds later.

I wish for tasty fingers.

[Aquila89]

Granted. People attack you, and chew off your fingers.

I wish my research paper was as long as it should be.

[7obias]

Granted, unfortunately it's padded with numerous references to dongs and your love for them.

I wish Twilight was never written

[Kamikaze Phoenix]

Granted. Instead of being written, they simply happen to you. You are an emo teen vampire, and you like some dumb girl. You're a "good vampire" so you only eat animals in the woods. The other vampires all kill humans, which actually helps with the severe overpopulation problem. They all laugh at you and call you a fag behind your back (because you won't kill humans, and you're sparkly like a fairy). It makes you cry and adjust your hair. While thousands of people are never subjected to the torment of these awful books and movies, you get to take one for the team and experience it instead. Thanks!

I wish authors and moviemakers would be punished for shit quality work.

[Iya]

Granted, but they are punished with more movie contracts. making for MORE shitty quality work.

I wish I had a plasma rifle.

[facefault]

Granted! You have a totally awesome, fully functional plasma rifle that can melt a tank with a single shot at 50 yards.
Unfortunately, it doesn't have a safety switch on it. While bringing it home for the holidays, you accidentally vaporize your family.

I wish the world wasn't secretly controlled by intelligent spiders.