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[Aquila89]

Granted. Now you have the testicles of RNC chairman Michael Steele.

I wish I could run the marathon.

[ivecomehomenow]

Granted. You are forced to run all 26 miles inverted with your hands only.  After heroically struggling along for 3.2 miles a blood vessel in your brain ruptures and you suffer a hemorrhage stroke.

I wish dinosaurs roamed the Earth. 

[Copperpot]

Wish granted. Dinosaurs are now roaming the earth in search of the meaning of life. To get by some of them resort to peddling in the streets for loose change. One day you pass by a particularly downtrodden T-Rex; when he asks you for some change you realize that you have no spare pennies to offer and humbly decline, he then tears apart your torso and eats your innards while you are still alive. Then you die of a mixture of shock and massive internal bleeding.

I wish my farts didn't smell.

[Mike Litoris]

Granted.  Your farts are now comprised of 100% concentrated sarin gas.  It is colorless and odorless.  Unlike your underwear, as after you fart you breathe in the gas, and it being such a potent neurotoxin, it causes you to vomit, defecate, and urinate all at the same time.  You die a painful death as your diaphragm becomes paralyzed and you die from oxygen depravation.

I wish "Get On My Horse" wasn't so damn catchy.
(reference for those who somehow haven't seen it yet: http://www.getonmyhorse.com/)

[I_Punched_Jesus]

Get on my horse becomes extremely less catchy. As a result the horse and it's mustachioed rider come to life and begin playing get on my horse at all radio frequencies. Humans go insane and the everybody becomes enslaved by Mr. Mustache and his horse. They find your entire family unfit for labor and murder them. They choose you as the perfect rape toy for the horse with the oddly large phallus. It rapes until you become an emotionally dead, bloody shell of your former self.

I wish Michael Bay would stop directing.

[7obias]

Granted. He starts acting.

I wish I could have a free pizza delivered to my door.

[7obias]

I wish I had*

[ivecomehomenow]

Granted. It gets delvered by these guys: www.bigsausagepizza.com/

I wish I had a Magic Flying Carpet.

[Ryzhaya]

Granted. Your pubic hair can now magically fly, which is painful and awkward since you are still attached to it. Even more embarrassingly, now everyone knows that it does not, in fact, match the drapes.


I wish that smoking wasn't wildly unhealthy.

[Copperpot]

Granted. Smoking is now the very healthy and cures all forms of cancer. You have even invented these healthy cigarettes and have become a billionaire. After the big awards ceremony, in which all the countries of the world award you your research grant, you stop to fill up your car with gas. Your healthy cigarette that you're smoking falls on the floor igniting a puddle of spilled gasoline, you burst into flames like Joan of Arc. You die.

I wish that Mighty Mouse and Superman would get into a fight already so we can finally see who would win.

[facefault]

Granted! Superman beats the hell out of Mighty Mouse and tears his rib cage out, but not before the Mouse puts a kryptonite shiv in Supes's eye. Two of Earth's greatest heroes lie mutilated, writhing in agony as they slowly die over the course of the next hour. Did I mention that the fight's being broadcast to every kindergarten class in America? It's your fault all those kids are traumatized now. You dick.

I wish H.P. Lovecraft had received more hugs as a child.

[Ryzhaya]

Granted. All of those hugs were from Cthulhu.




I wish all these damned hipster kids would stop moving to my neighborhood.

[Kamikaze Phoenix]

Granted. To be ironic, and make a statement (never explained), the hipster kids decide to move your neighborhood to them. They hang around it everyday making stupid comments about how they did the sweetest thing ever. Finally, you give up and move back to the empty hole where your neighborhood used to be.

I wish there was some sort of coffee place within a block or two of my house.

[Spacebee]

Granted.  Your entire block collapses into a sinkhole, which mysteriously begins to fill up with scalding hot coffee.  You  manage to clamber out with only first and second degree burns, but when you look back you see that your home has been flooded up to the eaves.  To make matters worse, the coffee isn't even really all that good.

I wish I had kung-fu grip.

[Copperpot]

Granted. You decide to test your new found powers, you buy a gallon of astroglide and begin furiously masturbating. Within 4 seconds you accidentally rip you penis off and have to be rushed to the hospital. You're penis is so mangled that doctors can not sew it back on. Fortunately, the have a fresh donor and they successful graft on a brand new penis. Unfortunately though, the donor was an infant baby who was found in a dumpster. While your penis functions normally it will never grow to adult size. No woman ever sleeps with you and even prostitutes laugh at your misfortune. You join a traveling carnival, and take on the name "Man Baby". As luck would have it, the Bearded Lady falls in love with you and you both live happily ever after.

I wish that I didn't gag and almost puke every time I brush my teeth.

[Core42]

Granted. Your mouth is sealed shut and you can no longer gag and almost puke when you brush your teeth. Unfortunately you can't eat or drink either and soon die of dehydration.

I wish I were god.

[Core42]

*no longer gag and puke because you can't brush your teeth
:P

[stressbunny]

Granted. You are now the god of pointless emoticons and other internet nasties.

I wish I was a little more tolerant.

[Kamikaze Phoenix]

Granted. You become tolerant of everyone around you. Even those who are themselves completely intolerant. You see no reason to interfere with them, and eventually they start wiping out all the tolerant people. After a while, you're the only one left, but you manage to tolerate things pretty well.

I wish for a ring that would make me appear monochromatic.

[rafaelmondini]

Granted: the ring turns you purple and you get fat, making you both unable to take it off from you finger and exactly like Barney the dinosaur. Then you get yiffed by several perverts, sometimes by more than one at the same time.

Wish: I wish I could be omnipresent.