Ask A Member of the Opposite Sex (Thread NOT for Relationship Advice)

[hairlessbear]

So your thesis is that women ignore problems instead of fixing them? If it is, then that's just a bit of a silly thing to say. Of course they don't. Maybe sometimes some women don't do what you think they should do when you think they should do it, but to try and generalise that out to an entire gender and all 'problems'...it makes absolutely no sense to me. I don't know, maybe you're not explaining yourself as well as you could?

I'm absolutely not explaining myself well (reading over my last post made me cringe. The consequences of inexperienced writing at the end of an all-nighter), my apologies. I didn't mean to imply that women ignore all problems instead of fixing them, that would be an insane (as well as obviously false) statement. (But I will freely admit that what I wrote does seem to imply this. Again, sorry for the confusion and accidental insulting implications.)

I think (or at least hope) I can articulate my thoughts better now. So, let's start over...

I've noticed that men and women both enjoy working through problems, but the problems they enjoy solving are different in nature. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I've seen, men tend to go toward logical, concrete problems (e.g. leaky sink) while women tend to go toward abstract, emotional problems (e.g. extended family relationship mending) (obviously, this is an over-generalization, but bear with me).

What's striking to me is that both men and women generally seem to be fairly imperceptive of the "other's" type of problem. What I mean here is that the men's/women's definition of a problem doesn't include what the other defines as a problem, so the major problems that one sees don't even show up as minor problems on the "radar" of the other. In fact, they aren't seen as problems at all. This isn't to say that they view the other's problems as trivial or invalid, but simply that they don't even recognize the other's types of problems as problems until they are explicitly pointed out, and even then, they don't fully understand and empathize.

For me, this has caused multiple awkward conversations where the important problems on my mind are of a completely different nature than the important problems on my (female) friend's mind. Both types of problems are completely valid and worthy of discussion, but since our definitions of problem are different, neither of us understand where the other is coming from, so we can't help the other past providing general emotional support.

So, I'm asking for any advice on how to help "bridge the gap" between these two types of problem identifying/classifying/solving to make for more successful communication, and more problems solved for everyone. (while I realize this whole idea is based on over-generalization and simplification, in my opinion, it is valid enough in enough situations to be worth discussing)

[Schu]

This sounds much less than a male/female disparity than two people with very different personalities. While there might be a slight, maybe even statistically significant trend of men/women focusing on practical/interpersonal problems over the other, to have it be such a wide gulf as to not even register the other side's problems at all seems very different to my experience. Maybe you and your female friends are just very different about this one particular thing, and while some small part of that difference may be due to gender, I think you are overattributing that cause.

[zelamonster]

There are a few well-known Evangelical pastors that describe this "disparity" in their writings and use it to argue for traditional gender roles. The way you phrased your posts makes me think that you didn't form your opinion from those sources, but you should probably be aware that voicing it is treading close to some very misogynistic things. I'm not trying to attack you here, just point out that the issue is much touchier than you seem to know.

[Coffeejunkie891]

The generalization you're making about women not addressing problems doesn't really hold up. I've read a few studies (sorry, I can't find a link for them) where female leaders in work groups are actually more likely to talk to and address issues with subordinates early on. Male leaders, however, are more likely to wait for the problem to get worse, then fire employees.

I think you may also be making a generalization based on what problems you hear getting discussed. Because a lot of female friendships may involve more emotional support, you may hear women discussing interpersonal problems because these problems REQUIRE emotional support. I've talked to my female friends about leaky faucets and home repairs too, but these discussions are usually short and not very memorable. Since men are often socialized to not express their feelings to other men, and to seek emotional support from other men, they are less likely to discuss more interpersonal problems.

[hairlessbear]

Full disclosure: I've been socially "off" my whole life (highly proficient in logical thinking, extremely inept in emotional thinking). This has come out in the form of missing social cues, difficulty expressing/understanding my emotional thoughts, lacking empathy, and being frustrated with and/or confused by other people (I'm diagnosed with ADHD and Depression, but I'm not leaning on those as excuses for my actions). It's only within the last few years that I've been putting serious effort into learning how to truly empathize. (To clarify, I'm not complaining or seeking pity, I'm just trying to explain where I'm coming from here)

The main tactic I've used to try and understand people is the same way I seem to process the rest of the world: by classifying everything I encounter into generalized ideas/theories that fit into neat little boxes. This may by harmless in some contexts, or even useful for certain thought experiments, but when applied to people, it tends to fail, and leads to the dehumanization of everyone for the sake of an "accurate" model. Obviously, I'm still learning how pervasive this type of thinking is in me, and how to modify (or eliminate) it so I actually view people as people, instead of variables in equations and theories.

It's highly likely that how I'm perceiving my own experiences is tainted by this type of thinking, and I doubt I'm presenting what I've encountered in a way that accurately represents the actual events or people. People are far more complicated than I made them out to be in my generalizations, and I seriously doubt that everyone (or maybe anyone) I've met fits into the ideas I previously postulated (this is obvious in hindsight).
 
So, with that in mind, the clear, direct feedback is really, really appreciated. Discussions like this are invaluable to helping me understand why and how this type of generalized thinking is problematic when applied to actual people, and how to work through it. Thanks.

(I have nothing more to add on what I originally posted, it's too generalized to produce any meaningful discussion, and I'm not pursuing those thoughts further)

[Mortal Wombat]

Discussion about women watching gay porn moved here:

http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?topic=85996.msg2626982#msg2626982

Once again, if it is a discussion that any informed person can participate in, male or female, please do not put it in this thread.

[boobsofsteel]

Hello, I was wondering if I could ask a question about the male sex drive. Recently, in a conversation with a male platonic friend, I mentioned an incident that had recently occurred. In the aforementioned incident, a male acquaintance had hugged me, and even when I had let go and tried to pull away, he had continued. I was a bit disturbed by this, but I found my friend's response to my story interesting. He told me that what the guy had done was wrong and inappropriate, but then continued by saying that it's hard for guys because they're constantly having to work not to act on sexual thoughts. Is this true? If so, how does it affect your views of the people you view sexually? How

[boobsofsteel]

In continuation of the previous question, which sent to early because of a glitch: How does it effect the actual acting on sexual thoughts when so much time is spent trying not to? Sorry for the two posts.

[Mr Gale]

Its not true. "Men are just sexual timebombs who have to hold back our urges to ravish all women, because evolution or whatever" around us is some evopsych nonsense usually spouted by PUAs and MRAs. We, like women, have sexual attractions and thoughts with some regularity and on some base level taints a lot of our thoughts... and like women are perfectly capable of knowing the difference between attraction and actions.

People who have a constant struggle to avoid sexual impulses have some sort of serious problem, if they are acting sexually towards you inappropriately avoid them and probably avoid anyone who condones that sort of logic for good measure.

[boobsofsteel]

That makes sense. It's a little difficult for me to understand because I don't generally have sexual thoughts or feelings towards anyone. It sounds like that tendency towards low sexuality is not a gender thing so much as a personal thing. Thanks for answering, that actually makes a lot of sense.

[Kendall]

Agreeing with Gale, if you hear a guy say that, he's either a massive prick or a sheltered asshole. Sexual desire is never an excuse to be impolite. Everyone has them to varying degrees but a sign of a well balanced person is how and when they act on them

[Grambles]

How do guys feel about short hair on girls? I've always heard MRAs/PUAs rage about it but figured normal men didn't really care. But recently I've heard a lot of normal guys not just say they're not just not attracted to short hair but hate women with it and just say they assume they're cunts. Also (if this isn't crossing into relationship stuff because it's one on one, it it is could a mod please delete?) I recently had someone do something terrible to me and blame it on me being ugly and a big bit of that ugly was my short hair.

So do most men feel really strongly about short hair? Are there men who don't care? Do any men like it? I mean both platonically (like could you be friends with a short haired girl?) and sexually.

[SVENTINGTON]

I think short hair often looks amazing on women. One definitely needs the right kind of face for it to be a striking improvement over longer hair, but at least among my guy friends I have never heard it mentioned as some kind of vital criteria or deal breaker.

Anyhow I think the person who was being a dick just tried to point at what might have been one of your more obvious features at the current moment in order to hurt you. It's a petty game with many variations. Please don't read too much into it.

[hairlessbear]

I've overheard men rant about short-haired women using a variety of words I'd rather not repeat. From what I can tell, their general complaint is that women "should" have long hair, and men "should" have short hair; anything else is worthy of hate (some of the conversations I've witnessed have also included extended insults of men with long hair). Regardless of their reasons, the amount of vitriol some men have for short-haired women is disturbing. That being said, I haven't seen this opinion that often, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's only shared by a small but loud minority.

I have no problem with short hair, and agree with Sven that it can be incredibly attractive. All of my male friends either share that opinion, or don't have a strong opinion either way (maybe worth mentioning -- myself and almost all of these men are from liberal areas).

Anyhow I think the person who was being a dick just tried to point at what might have been one of your more obvious features at the current moment in order to hurt you.

I think Sven is right; in this case, it sounds like this prick was just trying to hurt you and picked the first thing they noticed to do it.

[T1mown]

Obviously everyone has their preference in a partner, but i don't know of anyone who thinks women should have short hair. Personally, i also think it depends on the person. I might think person X would look great with shoulder length hair and a fringe, whereas person Y really suits the 'pixie' look they're rocking.

I don't know if it's a cultural thing or not. None of my friends are maliciously sexist or misogynistic. That might skew the results a fair bit.

[OrangeEyebrows]

Grambles, this might be a wild swing or indeed none of my business, in which case forgive me, but did this have anything to do with you rejecting a sexual or romantic advance? I ask because it sounds a lot like the "you're ugly anyway" reflex, which often ties in with anger about women being assertive, and THAT could tie in with the "short hair isn't feminine" nonsense.

[Weaselz]

Grambles, I'm sorry some douchebag was awful to you.
I know some men that dislike short hair, and some that prefer it, but most I know seem apathetic. There's also different ways to have short hair, like some men might love a bob cut, but still hate a pixie cut. This goes with long hair too. Some men might not have a preference in short or long, but might find butt-length mermaid hair really pretty, just because it looks like really healthy, voluminous hair.
There are some men who are just misogynistic and think women should keep long hair so they don't look like "feminist dykes". Like the ones who think short hair = rebellion, like it's still 1920, or try to excuse it with evo-psych (like saying long hair = health, so men are "hardwired" to hate short hair). This has less to do with men's preferences though, since it's just plain old misogyny.

[couldbemage]

I can't speak for most men, but I like short hair on women. But it's really about liking women don't conform to traditional norms, so I'd expect men who fear nonconformist women to hate short hair.

[Vermillion]

I can speak for all men who happened to see Star Trek, The Motion Picture at a very impressionable age and short hair is hella sexy. That it also pisses off MRA dudes is just a bonus.

[devscoots]

The only people I've known who've hated short hair on women are the type of people who get angry at any reminder that the world is different to how it was when they were growing up.  The sort that start a lot of sentences with, "I'm not racist, but..." then find themselves screaming obscenities at people with accents on the bus.

You should probably not worry about people like that.