by David Wong

Friday was my last day at my day job. I notice the company’s stock has dropped 35% in early trading on the basis of that news alone.

I always had this fantasy where I stride into my boss’s office and fling my resignation on the desk. “Whoops, it looks like I forgot to sign it,” I say as I unzip my fly. I leap onto the desk and “sign” my name in urine, across his entire office, the bald little man sputtering and trying to work the monocle back into his eye. Then I walk out, past the cubicles, while all my coworkers stand in two rows and applaud my passing.

So, after having this daydream probably 3,000 times in 16 years, Friday was the day. I waiting until ten minutes to quitting time and strode right into her office (my boss is an 82 year-old woman named Gladys), scooted a chair over so I could use it as a step stool to the taller-than-I-had-imagined desk. I climbed up, kicking aside kitten figurines. Gladys had been on the phone, I think describing some health issue with her doctor, so this was the first time she actually looked up at me.

“Here’s my resignation,” I whispered, not wanting to interrupt what sounded like an extremely important call. “Oh wait I didn’t sign it…”

She put a hand up, a signal to wait until she was finished with her call. By that point my fly was down and my penis was mostly exposed. I realized I had no desire to urinate, and that my genitalia had shriveled to the size of a peach pit.

Gladys was looking away again, focused on her call. She absently rummaged through a desk drawer, then held out a ballpoint pen. I stood that way, standing astride her computer keyboard, my shy penis huddling for cover in the frigid air-conditioned space. Finally, as a compromise, I took the pen and sort of held it against my penis, then squatted down and scrawled my name on the paper.

The woman sort of nodded around her phone as I dismounted, as if dismissing me.

“I, uh, signed that with my dick,” I mumbled.

She covered the phone with her hand and said, “Good working with you!”

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