Instead of doing the update I wound up playing Line Rider, the flash game where you draw a line and then a little penguin guy rides down it on a sled (I did it for 20 minutes before I figured out the hand icon is used to scroll the screen and make your hill bigger). If you’re not picturing the possibilities of that, watch this shit.

I notice Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka has started talking about his failed boxing match with astonishingly bad movie director Uwe Boll (video HERE for the three PWoT fans who haven’t seen it). I’ve been shown this video, oh, probably six thousand times since the event last Saturday.

So yes, I’ve seen it, and no, I’m not going to call Lowtax an unfunny fag and unskilled boxer. Even though PWoT’s traffic would be an SA rounding error and even though Lowtax wouldn’t know me even if I got in the ring and slapped him unconscious using only my penis, I’ve always perceived an odd brotherhood between this site and that one.

Most people don’t realize that PWoT and SA were created just 35 days apart (his domain was registered on November 16, 1999, mine on December 21, 1999) and that we both appeared on a now-defunct network of comedy sites under the Portal of Evil banner, funded by UnderGroundOnline ads until UGO decided to stop paying everyone.

Afterward, in those horrible days of the early 2000’s, each of us separately skipped from ad network to ad network trying to find a way to offset the costs of hosting and bandwidth and time, watching one fly-by-night dot-com after another fold up and leave the sites completely unpaid. After a few years it eventually worked out for him because his site became enormously popular and he could charge people to join his forums, and for me because my site remains small enough that my hosting provider often just forgets to send me a bill.

Anyway, the point is I will always root for Something Awful and Maddox and Penny Arcade and all these other sites I remember being small and poor back in the day. And I’m happy for every book deal and video game expo and boxing publicity stunt they land. Not that Ebaum fucker, though.

What’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen? THIS.

I finally sat down to sort through the crazy-ass e-mails I got about my 9/11 Conspiracy article and several readers brought to my attention a fairly serious omission in my references. Namely, nobody could tell what was hitting that Japanese man in the balls in that animation at the top.

That clip was captured from this video, wherein several Japanese men are forced to recite a tongue-twister as fast as possible. Stumbling over a single syllable would activate a lever that would smash them in the crotch.

Did you know: In Japan, this is how they elect their president.

I wish I had the technical prowess to do things like this. That’s a re-cut trailer for Jaws, reborn as some kind of inter-species love triangle. As impressive as that is, it’s nothing compared to the stunning Titanic 2 trailer that it looks like somebody spent six weeks making.

As 9/11 Conspiracy Week continues, I present you with this thread from the Loose Change forums about their plan to personally overthrow the U.S. government:

“How many people would it take to surround the White House? What would happen if those people jumped the fence? Would the Secret Service start sniping? Knowing fully that it was being broadcast live to the rest of the counry? If the first jumpers were picked off, would those behind forge on, across the lawn, towards a complete irrevocable coup? And if the White House was overtaken, would they know what do THEN? It’s our right to do this.”

Well, kids, since these are the people who you think pulled off the 9/11 attacks in secret and also on live TV, I’m guessing they could kill all of you and make it look like an accident. Why don’t you try it and see?

If that thread made you sad for humanity, just watch this kid and you’ll feel better. The sound is way low so you have to turn up your speakers.

The official Star Wars site is running slideshows showing exactly what was changed in the original trilogy to make the new, shitter trilogies in the 90’s. Some of it is striking because you never noticed the changes… the rest will just piss you off, like making the laser blast strikes less graphic:

How does it improve the message of your movie when you show less consequences to the violence instead of more? Blasters hurt, Mr. Lucas. I know.

So far they just have Episode IV and Empire Strikes Back.

Fine, let’s all have a hearty laugh at this ridiculous piece of 80’s-ness…

…And after you recover from that unique combination of light-hearted joy and mind-boggling horror that only the internet can provide, think about this. When I saw that movie on cable back in the 80’s, nothing seemed strange about it at all. Seriously, think about it. That’s how fast this culture changes.

You should also take a moment to watch The Lonely Island’s “Where Are They Now” bit about the above-featured rap group.

Lando gets it on. This is one of my favorite things of all time, though it appears it’s only been viewed a few thousand times. Why is it that something like this barely gets noticed, while in one day I saw these kids’ animated gif posted on three different forums?