Bless the man who sat down, took James Earl Jones sound clips from other movies and oh-so-carefully
dubbed them into Star Wars scenes with a level of perfection that actually upsets me to watch. This will be the best thing you see all week.
John slammed the huge Bible on the table, flipping it open to a page he had marked with a folded Chinese take-out menu.“Two thousand years,” he said, shooting the Bible with a gun-finger, “and somebody has finally broken the code. And that somebody is me.”
“There’s no code, John.”
“Book of Matthew, start with the third Chapter, three being the holiest number. Count back every seventh word in the original language. Not Hebrew. Greek.”
“Oh, I see. I see. It was a code so complicated that no scholar has spotted it before now. A code so ingenius, only a complete retard could break it.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
I stood and pushed back my chair. “Well, time for my nap.”
“Oh, we’ll be napping soon enough my friend. On beds made of money. You see, what I’ve found here are coordinates, pinpointing an exact location Syria. I can find it within ten yards.”
“And that’s, what, Jesus’s birthplace?”
“Better. It’s the location, David, of Jesus’s gold.”
I pimp-slapped John with my stare.
“Jesus’s gold. That’s what you said? You know Jesus was a carpenter.”
“He was also the son of God, which means he could see into the future. Legend has it that Jesus invested wisely, my friend. I believe the buried stash contains almost 100 drachma.”
“And how much is that?”
“More than five thousand dollars.”
I sat down again, suddenly no strength in my legs.
“Son of a bitch. I could pay off part of that Visa card.”
“And I could finally afford a down payment on my penis reduction surgery.”
I stood and put on my cloak.
“My friend, we’re going to Syria.”
So a guy decides he’s going to, via a series of convoluted transactions on the internet, try to trade a single red paperclip for a house. It’s taken some time, but he’s actually done it.
The way this was explained to me was that he would make a chain of small favorable trades (this paperclip in exchange for a pencil, the pencil for a used calculator, the calculator for a pair of shoes, and so on until he got the house). He eventually tired of that and wound up just convincing a senile old man that the paperclip was magic and got him to sign over the deed to his estate in exchange for it. The old man eventually died on the street.
There was something different about John’s third arm. I couldn’t put my finger on it; the blotchy skin and tufts of hair around the hoof were identical to the other four.
Think, dammit.
He inched forward, spear pointed at my chest. A bit of the President’s scalp was still clinging to his bottom lips.
“Moo,” he commanded as the tip dug into my skin. “Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo!”
“John! Listen to me! I know you’re in there!”
“Moooooooo. Moo!”
“Listen! Please!”
“Moo. Moo moo moo moo moo. MOO!”
“John, I-”
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
I glanced down at the bomb and noticed there were only four seconds left on the timer.
“Moo!”
Can’t afford to go see that Superman movie they made? Well, for free on the internet you can see every episode of Burnt Face Man, the incredible Flash cartoons from David Firth.
Or you can take in the one and only episode of The Lynx, a bit of ingenious retardation from Dan Harmon (Monster House, Laserfart) he created as helpful guide to The Hero’s Journey as outlined in the philosophy of Joseph Campbell. It’s about a man who turns himself into a super-human lynx-man through the power of masturbation.
While you’re watching that Superman movie this weekend, take a moment to quietly consider the many years of suffering and half a billion dollars it took to finally get the thing made. Don’t know what I’m talking about? The story is here.
Copyright © 2005 - 2007 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc.
All rights reserved.
DISCLAIMER: All characters, names and places used in CRACKED prose, fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comment, criticism, parody, pointing out political and/or social injustice or any other purpose through which humanity is held up to the ridicule it frequently deserves. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. All trade names, product names and trademarks of third parties, including any trademarked characters, used in CRACKED fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are used without the authorization of those third parties, and are used only for the purpose of parody and identification. No sponsorship, endorsement or affiliation by or with those third parties exists or should be implied. Also, we love disclaimers.
