by David Wong

There’s a certain emotion, and I don’t think we have a word for it, that every man feels in his life. It’s the emotion you feel when you want to slap somebody very hard with your penis.

Slapping a person across the face with a penis is proven by science to be the fastest way to make them stop talking. Whatever we call this emotion, I feel it every time I hear a friend bitching about high gasoline prices, which means I feel it about six times an hour. I feel it, because I know that gasoline consumption per driver has gone UP since gas hit $3.00 a gallon. Also, SUV sales are up, while Honda has had to shut down production of some of its hybrids out of lack of interest.

And then we have environmentalist and frequent cartoon character Al Gore. He appeared at the
Cannes Film Festival to promote his movie on the dangers of global warming… and then drove five separate gasoline-burning cars to get he and his entourage from the hotel to the theater showing the movie. The trip is about 500 yards.

“I think that up until fairly recently the United States has been in a bubble of unreality where global warming is concer-”

THWAP.

This, of course, brings me to The DaVinci Code. We have Christians around the world protesting the film and I guess the book, as if Dan Brown’s story will turn people away from Christianity… ignoring the fact that most people turn from Christianity because they see Christians doing the exact same thing Al Gore just did. They overhear a guy shouting at a restaurant about the godless downfall of society, and in the next breath hear his petty bitching about his steak and see him walk away without leaving a tip. Buddy, they don’t disbelieve because they’ve checked the archaeological records and think the gospels contain inconsistencies. They disbelieve because the guy who told them to believe showed no sign of believing it himself.

And the thing is, I don’t think they know they’re doing it. If you didn’t know it was so common, you’d think it was a mental illness. That absolute disconnect between what we do and what we say and the almost universal belief that the solution to all of the world’s problems lie in deep sacrifices that should be made by other people who aren’t us. I have coined this mechanism of human thought The Retardatron. Feel free to use the term around the office.

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