Other Craptions

"Yes, yes, it's long, hard, and full of sea men. Anyone have a serious question for me?"

No one had the heart to remind him this was North Dakota.

After a successful hunt for the Red October, Harry shows off his kill.

"Well, our submarine used to be white. Then we took a detour into the Gulf of Mexico..."

It was easily the strangest episode of Pimp My Ride ever.

He not only sold them the Brooklyn Bridge, but transportation to get there.

The new Hummer H4 was not very practical on the roads.

Whoever is obviously cheating by using a shit load of accounts to up vote my entry while and down voting LaughingTarget's, please stop. I don't want to "win" this way. He won fair and square with a kiss ass craption.

'Apparently, the pointy end goes forward. "Raise the view-y thing!" I said. I didn't tell them that I had lied on my CV about being a submarine captain.'

"Take your boat to work day" was an unqualified success.

"Best poker game I ever won."

Trust me, comrades, the enemy submarine fleet has no idea where we are hiding. Um . . .

The giant pink floating jelly fish stand no chance against our secret weapon.

And for my next trick, I will pull a luxury liner out of my . . .

It's known to few that what makes submarines really dangerous is their ability to sneak up behind you.

"Some might think that it was strange that I got the job, what with my claustrophobia and chronic flatulance."

Your move, Captain Ahab.

Er, what IS his natural habitat?

"So, did I win the fishing contest or not?"

OK, lemme feed the meter...You guys will remember where we're parked, right?

"Lotta hot ladies in the audience today. Aaaaaaaaaaand UP PERISCOPE...!"

"Don't worry, folks. He's more scared of you, than you are of him."

James was an unorthodox, but effective sniper.

"What do you mean 'trying to compensate for something'?"

"No, just because I have a submarine, doesn't mean I'm a Super-villain -- Next question!"

"My wife didn't believe me when I told her that my other car was a submarine. Think she'll believe me, now?"

Ahab wasn't fucking around this time, so Moby Dick had better watch out.

"Well, I was thinking of flames on the side. What do you think?"

"…and then, once Paul and Ringo have arrived, we ride!"

Mom, this is the worst puppet show you've ever dragged us to.

Whenever he needs to feel important, Jack goes down to the pier and pretends to be a submarine captain.

Illegal immigrants are becoming more resourceful.

And here is where you put the giant quarter in to get it to run for 5 minutes.

"It used to be yellow, but you know what they say, 'once you go black'…"

"I'm telling you, the Russians are practically giving them away. 2 pairs of Levis, a case of Stoli and an iPhone and this baby was mine."

"Hmmm. If I just act cool, maybe no one will notice that I'm parked in a tow away zone."

"This one has never seen active service. Or even water- it was commissioned by the Swiss navy."

"Most pilots insist on their aircraft having wings. Not me."

"The primary method of disabling enemy submarines is to swim down, knock on their hatch and ask to come in."

"The pipe with the black tip is a radio antenna. I'm not sure what the traffic light is for."

"Come on guys, let's paint it yellow and live in it together as one big happy family. Except for you, Yoko, you're not invited."

Jim's hobby of Open Mic Nights was beginning to carry over into his day job. He was the only one who still thought it funny to say "20,000 Leagues IN MY PANTS!"

A minute later, they were all attacked by a mysteriously Scottish-accented Russian.

"What, this can't be Red October. Wrong colour, throw it back again."

"...and after 19,999 leaks under the sea, we decided enough was enough."

"If my boat were a bar, it'd be a real DIVE... Har har har... I got a million of 'em!"

In Soviet Russia, Red October comes for you!

Perhaps we chose a poor place for our Yachtaholics Anonymous meeting.

"Listen, folks, it's like this, okay? Either you get in the goddamn submarine right now or you get eaten alive by the zombies. Which is it gonna be?"