Other Craptions

"Hey Zeus, it's Poseidon. I just got your e-mail. Aren't these smart phones great? Tell Hermes he's out of a job."

"Hi Verizon, it's Neptune again. This iPhone fell into the water too, can you send me a new one?"

That's right. 32 orders of ribs, with fries and salad. No, it's Ok. I've got a fork.

No...no, I didn't get the role. Apparently it's about some stupid ship capsizing.

Unsurprisingly, he still lives in his parents' aquarium.

"Hey, if you put this to your ear you can hear the city!"

Damnit, Sebastian. I can't understand you when you're drunk.

It's either a guy who's late for a costume party, or a deranged homeless guy talking into a Hershey bar he found on the street.

After New Orleans was flooded, the drag queens got creative with their costumes

"My dentist recommended that I chew on trident after meals, but it totally cut up my mouth and really fucking hurt."

He looks like Neptune, but he smells like Uranus

"Yes honey, while I'm at the store, I'll pick up some Tide. Ha Ha Like that never gets funny."

It started with a few small adjustments to his Burger King crown. But then Thomas got carried away.

Mom, I think I'm being down voted. They don't like my costume. Can I come home now?

He may not be Poseidon, but there's a perfect storm every time he does a belly flop.

Pictured: The downside of having roleplaying fetishes in a long distance relationship.

"I'm doing all this waving and you still can't see me?"

I always hated going fishing with uncle Jack.

"Sebastian, the plan's changed. I'm calling in the A-Team."

"Yes, an upgrade would be nice- do you have one with a smaller antenna?"

Having made frantic calls for hours, he felt sheepish when he finally found his pet starfish.

"...Cheese, pepperoni, sausage... what? No, I don't want any anchovies, you sick fuck."

So what if I left the seat up. IT'S THE FREAKING OCEAN!

"Hello, Mr. President? I'm standing here off the coast of New Orleans. I noticed you're a little short on this month's protection payment. I'd be a real shame if something were to happen to it."

"MY FUCKING NAME IS POSEIDON!!! WHY DOES EVERYBODY GET ME CONFUSED WITH NEPTUNE AND AQUAMAN?

The real cause of deadly tsunamis are telemarketers who call Poseidon during dinner.

"Verizon, I curse you and all of your spawn for twenty generations! What? 500 free minutes- great! Make it ten generations…"

"Roaming fees! I'm the bloody god of the seas...!"

Hello AT&T. Man, my reception is terrible. All I can hear is the ocean. Why yes, it is a shell phone. Why do you ask?

"Look buddy, I'm not foolin' around here. 1 Million by tomorrow at 4PM or I spear your wife. Got it?"

"Can you sea me now?"

Geico has officially "jumped the shark", with its commercial mascots...

He's still more useful than Aquaman.

By law, he isn't allowed within 1000 yards of a school of fish.

New network: AT&Sea.

Look, I'm really lost here, I have NO idea where the ocean is, frankly it's a little embarrassing, so can you just fucking check Google Maps for me??

3AM, no luck at the Oyster Club... time to booty call that mermaid.

"Marine support, how can I help you?"

I think it's time to upgrade.

"Hey Zeus, Poseidon here. Mapquest really screwed up so I'm gonna be a bit late"

Mercury was the first of the 12 gods to become obsolete.

Pictured: the moment my last shred of dignity disappeared.

"Release the Kraken! I said... can you hear me? Hello...?"

The King's Speech was remade for Atlantis.

"Hey, Zeus. So I figure tomorrow night we'll turn into horses and pick up chicks. Does that work for you?"

"Starbucks, sweety, when will you stop modeling? I miss you."

"You know something? Now, that you mention it, I probably WILL want fries with that. Five large orders. Send extra ketchup packets, please."

Aquaman's gritty, realistic reboot.

Turns out when somebody says you're "built like a Greek god" it's not necessarily a compliment.