Other Craptions

Shipping Rosie O'Donnell's custom vibrator was quite an ordeal.

It turns out that a communist agenda was the true function of Conjunction Junction.

Check off 'Fly Train to Moon' on NASA's list of "Shit we can do for the hell of it."

It reached the tunnel, and my Innuendometer finally exploded the fuck up.

"Where we're going we don't need rails..."

Some Transformers are hard to spot when in disguise. Others are sort of attention-hogs.

Clearly, things have escalated since yesterday...

The failure of the Alabama space program was caused by their inability to understand the concept of "up".

The little engine that could? Fuck that. Here's the little engine that DID.

We're gonna make damn sure that THIS is the last train to Clarksville.

The Polaris Express

Denzel Washington and Chris Pine in... Unstoppabler.

It’s the world’s only intercontinental ballistic railroad.

Pay attention, terrorists. We're goin' old school.

I choo-choo-choose you... for annihilation.

"All right folks. Don't panic - but the police tell me there's a bomb somewhere on the train so just let me know if you see anything suspicious."

It's only a rocket rollin', but I like it.

The Polar Express had to be refitted once the War on Christmas was declared.

How to 'train' astronauts.

Much respect to the pilots who were able to land that thing on a moving train.

Rest assured, the new trains are now able to safely plow through any school buses stalled out on the tracks, saving the tax payers millions in train repairs.

And the terrorists are still attacking our airplanes?

What is your second wish?

The Little Engine That Could End Civilization As We Know It

An internal audit quickly determined that railroad employees are vastly over-compensated.

"I dunno Boss...I got a bad vibe about that Nagasaki to Hiroshima route..."

This is what The Manhatten Project presumed Ozzy meant by Crazy Train...

The Fast and the Furious franchise gave up on the car.

I know where "the sidewalk ends"; wherever I fricken want it to.

"Boys nothing stands in our way now. By tomorrow night at this time we will be surrounding Uranus."

Things in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they really are. Then again maybe not.

Because steam engines are SOOOOOOOO last century.

"I really don't think that Jerry Euselum is the right destination for this cargo..."

"Jesus Christ, Joe. I don't think standing in the front of the train was such a good idea. I'm getting splattered by bugs" "Don't worry, Steve. I brought a bug zapper." *BEEP* FFFFWWWWWOOOOOOOOSSSHHHH-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

THIS is why you should *ALWAYS* stop your car at railroad crossings.

Thomas the Tank Engine had had enough...and he was through runnin'...

Yeah, but when you gave us the word problem, you conveniently left out the part about the fucking rocket.

“No need to worry, Frank. This engine is trained for this sort of thing.”

Thomas the Space Engine

After the Little Engine that Could proved itself, it was forced into brutal long hauls that changed its tune from “I think I can" to “I want to die.”

The train now arriving on platform 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

"Oh shit, who authorized Steven Seagal’s Under Siege 3?"

This is the fastest train known to humanity ... unless, of course, you want it to turn a corner.

"Hey man, don't be nervous about transporting dangerous expensive radioactive rockets, uncovered for all to see, out in the desert on a bumpy train. We've got three guys on front, they got it covered."

Sure, the pay-pal account seemed legit, but little did Amazon.com know, the purchaser 'Rosama Bin Waden' was using an alias.

A guy brings a bottle of aspirin on a plane and everyone goes apeshit.

"No seriously just hear me out on this one... Let's see what the fuck happens when we collide a Large Hadron Collider with a Large Hadron Collider going really fast on a train."...... Geneva was never seen from again.

The MarraCrush Express

Chad was considered the "Chuck Yeager" of train engineers.