Other Craptions

I'll never get why women have to make masturbation such a complicated process.

Reviews have been mixed for Lady Gaga's recent entry into the home exercise market.

Saw XXVII: We Don't Give A Shit Anymore

Damn Science. I still don't understand String Theory.

Originally, the Greeks had a plan to reach over the wall and open the gate with one of these dealies. It would have worked too if the Trojans didn't have their giant Chinese finger trap.

Even if it isn't a pinata, I still want to beat it.

$30,000 a year so your daughter can go to Harvard seems like a great investment in her future. . .until she becomes an art major and spends the next 4 years there perfecting what she calls "self-puppetry."

A clip from "Turkmenistan's Got Talent"

Pictured above: Current arm-wrestling champion of the underworld.

You know, with their latest apology I don't think BP is even trying.

Meanwhile, at the Rally to Restore Insanity....

How does our secret handshake go again? Oh that's right, fist bump, turn it, explode, bring it back and then you crush me.

"This is why I don't let my kids wear Spandex."

The 5 Elements: Fire, Water, Light, Darkness & 'what the fuck?'

Birth Defect: The Musical

Lithium: Because that little girl wants her mommy back.

Christine O'Donnell may say she's not a witch...but her aides would like to respectfully disagree

Sure.... but when they're married she'll be the ones pulling all the strings.

I...I think it's a woman, but that's really besides the point

I don't understand why her left arm is unpainted. It's distracting me and making me unable to enjoy the rest of the production.

When I mix fire and water I generally just get steam.

Need I tell you... Whatever you do, don't pull its finger...

This is EXACTLY why you check for Melanoma regularly.

And this is me at my daughter's piano recital last year.

Contrary to prior hypotheses, scientists have just discovered that this phenomenon is not, in fact, Lady Gaga-related.

"Hey, great Halloween costume!" - "It's Halloween?"

Maybe it's about time... The Pupetmaster pulled his own strings...

"Daddy, is the queer guy trying to make the demon hand give me the finger?"

I see the A,B,C,D,E and F strings. Where is the G String?

"So where are you from?" "Your closet kid. Sometimes under the bed."

Still, It's less creepy than most ventriloquists.

"Oh crap.... you're Chris Hansen aren't you?"

"It's time for your favorite kid's Show!! Demon hand Queer Pants!! And here's your host, Beelzebubba!!"

The Puppet Masturbater.

I always wondered what happened to my wife after the divorce...

Are you happy? You've found, literally, every way possible to make us stare at your otherwise unremarkable body. Is this finally doing it for you?

"Look Honey, I know she's not your real Mom, but lets just try to get along ok?"

I'd hit it. No really, if I saw that thing I would beat the living fuck out of it.

Twas a dark, dark hand of fate, that controlled HER actions...

Pinocchio realized that the price of becoming a real boy was all too high.

If they all start singing, I'm gonna kill everybody.

And yet Jane's childhood memories still didn't include daddy's approval.

In spite of all his Mortal Kombat victories, Scorpion's true dream was to someday be a real boy.

Maybe Tim Burton shouldn't have taken over "Transformers 3."

Where will you be when diarrhea strikes and devours your soul?

After Joe had accidentally killed his wife, he tried to hide the crime in his most creative way.

And that, more or less, is how Fox News works.

The antibiotics didn't work, did they?

That's one way to get more trick-or-treat candy.