Other Craptions

If Spiderman doesn't defeat this guy, diabetes will.

Better start using the heavy duty web.

My spidey sense is tingling! No wait...it's pity and disgust.

With great weight comes great waistline elastic.

After failing to save MJ the last time, Peter Parker hit the bottle and really let himself go

Kevin Smith is too fat for a lot of things.

When Martin's friends told him to get a life, he didn't realize they meant one of his own.

His arch-nemesis? Jenny Craig.

Sorry, i farted

Somewhere, there are parents, drowning their shame in alcohol and pills.

Only a true genius like Peter Parker could have thought of using his webs as a package carrier around the holidays!

In an ill-fated cross-over, Spiderman wound up eating Willy Wonka's blueberry pie gum

Oddly enough, I'm not allowed anywhere near kids' birthday parties...

You're definitely doing it wrong

He was bitten by a radioactive virgin.

Blue Balls, Spiderman's other alter ego.

Jack Black as Peter Parker in the gritty reboot!

That's not your spider sense tingling... you're having a fucking heart attack and turning blue from lack of oxygen!!!

Get me some RAID... Right fucking now!

Well, 'Mary-Jane' will give you the munchies!

When he hauls his ass to the crime scene, he has to take two trips.

"Actually," said the Green Goblin "I think I'll retire"

Peter Porker

He has horizontal AND vertical lines...neither of which are slimming.

This costume won't get you laid, but at least you won't have any friends to tease you about it.

Ever ask yourself what horror writers are afraid of? The answer is right here.

The Spiderman reboot will focus on making the hero more relatable to the average American male.

Spider Man, Spider Man, doing the things a spider can . . . well, besides walking through a door with ease.

Once again, all in favor of bringing back DDT, please raise your hands...

"Dude, would you PLEASE cover your egg sac?"

Yeah, this guy looks like he eats flies. Flies that have landed on poop first

Pictured: Arachnos Fat Blue Bastardous

Sorta-Spider Man, with the power of eating disorder!

Wait, I didn't know Lane Bryant made superhero costumes?!

"My spider senses are tingling! Must be a Baskin-Robbins nearby!!!"

Hi, I'd like to talk to you about Scientology!

He keeps talking about his "Secret Lair." It's his Mom's basement.

Hey, it's the "real killer" that O.J. has been looking for all this time!

Fun fact: Spider man has a mcflurry problem

With great power comes great responsibility... and a huge appetite.

Ah, here we see the lonely nerd displaying its plumage in a mating ritual. It looks like another unsuccessful attempt.

well drag queens need superheros too...

Spiderchunk.

And he thinks a SILK WEB is going to hold his fat ass?! Try shooting out BRIDGE CABLES instead!

Too much Mary Jane I think.

My Spider-Senseless is tingling!

I didn't know Spidey was a pro golfer.

Spiderman never should have married.

Spiderman,Spiderman, scares away girls whenever he can.