"You know, Wong... these candles would look much cooler if we mounted them in some sort of ball."
"YOU get an eternal flame! YOU get an eternal flame! YOU get an eternal flame! EVERYBODY GETS AN ETERNAL FLAME!"
Well. We've had Gay Week and Fire Week. I am NOT going to be around next week when it's OBVIOUSLY going to be Flaming Homosexual Week.
Al Gore is going to lose his shit when he sees you guys contributing to global warming.
At Japanese bathhouses, the candles aren't the only thing that get blown. (And you're welcome.)
I thought you said we were roasting weenies. Wait, what? Oh, you're fucking sick.
See? If you REGISTER for your wedding, everybody doesn't bring the exact same present!
Great backyard BBQ party, Ling! And I see you solved that horrible mosquito problem from last year...
Are you guys sure that the chicks are coming? I mean... right now it feels kind of gay.
...This isn't my fire. Neither is this one. This one looks like my fire, but it's not. No, this one isn't it either. This one looks familiar, but it smells nothing like my fire. That fire isn't mine either. I don't think it's this one...
Yes, very good...your God accepts your gifts of Fire and homo-eroticism. He is pleased...
And we will light one giant candle for every man who has died while lighting a giant candle for a man who has died lighting a giant candle for a man who has died lighting a giant candle.
What's wrong honey, I thought you said candle-lit dinner would be romantic?
This is but one of the many reasons I worship a fire goddess. We get represented on Cracked. Also, free matches.
I'd say they're doing that to appease the Gods, but they appear to be Buddists, who don't have the concept of God or gods in their belief system. Want to sleep with me?
Remember when Cracked has those really effed-up pics for Craptions that made you go "Where in the hell was this picture taken?" Those were the days.
Wandering into the store with a lit cigarette, Phil's mistranslation of the word 'candle' as 'ashtray' resulted in him having to buy half their stock.
Ok, now that the fires are set we can bring in the puppies and get this barbecue underway
If getting turned from watching a group of half-naked men lighting over-sized candles is wrong, I don't want to be right.
The concert is SO METAL, that a mere lighter would not do justice to the face-melting guitar solo.
"Yo Cracked, I'm real happy for you, and imma let you finish your fire week, but October 6th Candle Ball was the best candle based craption contest of all time.. OF ALL TIME."
OK, we lit the fvcking candles. Do we get to splooge on the schoolgirl's face now or not?
Almost all lonely teenagers go through this "candle lighting phase". You don't have to worry unless they move up to bigger candles, or start doing it in groups.
... and on each flaming totem, we have placed the name of a hot girl we didn't get to bang in high school. This is a nerdy shoa-lin temple, if I didn't mention that already.
Idiots. If you want to make your junk look bigger, you should use little twiggy candles.
On the set of Korea's most popular TV Cooking Show: "101 ways to wok your dog"
I always wondered what happened to all of those lighters I've lost. But wow, to find out the answer and to see it myself: The Lighter Afterlife! Look how happy they are being served by angelic smokers! I feel so much better now.
"Hey Bob, why do we have to wear towels and light big candles at every one of your quarterly reports?" "Because."
Guys, just because it's hot, waxed, and has a back tatoo does not mean you should have sex with it.
For the seasoned fetishist, nothing tittlates quite as much as an ejaculantern party.
I would have considered it romantic, but there were just too many Japanese pool boys in underwear for me to appreciate her lighting candles.
This has been the fourth fire related craption in a row...who let the arsonist in?
Unfortunately, they quickly went bankrupt when no one realized they couldn't actually sell fire.
Considering what "Flaming Week" COULD have meant on Cracked.com, I'd say we're getting off pretty easy.
Looks like Silicon Valley is already working on its porn version of Avatar. May I suggest calling it "The Air Boner"? I'll be waiting for the check in the mail.
The cannibals couldn't eat the Human Torch, but they still found a good use for parts of him.
Dude, this is NOT what I had in mind when you said we'd be hanging out with a bunch of hot Asians.
Shogun's Richard Chamberlain thought the miniseries would have a lot more of this...
"Guys, it's been 10 years. Maybe we should finally put out these 'Candles in the Wind.'"
Look at the SIZE of those candles...clearly these guys are compensating for something! (Their penises. I'm saying they probably has small penises.)
I don't care how many candles you light - there's nothing romantic about bukakke.
Doing craptions is like writing a new Simpsons episode, there is nothing funny left to say.
The Japanese will occasionally burn their ancestors' poop in an elaborate ceremony. No one is sure why.
Wow, there are really just all sorts of steps to becoming a sushi chef, aren't there.
Let me guess...in Asia, it is believed that lighting a giant candle improves your stamina and sex drive.
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter - but only within the confines of the containers. We wouldn't want a nasty accident if it spread.
You laugh now, but in two years we'll remake this movie in America, and it will be amazing.
Why is it that almost all Japanese events have either guys in underpants or are freakier than your tolerance level or both.
In the Chinese version of "Russian Roulette" we find out Who Drew the Flammable Shorts.
"Fireproof Nipple Training" is among the most difficult of the Shao-Lin tests, but those who succeed are totally invulnerable to the Fireball Nipple Attack move.
Dudes...I mean seriously...Fire?....That's like so 1.9 million years ago.....
Unfortunately, yesterday's craption exploded. Fortunately, the Japanese quickly and efficiently got their candles ready....
In Palau, if you are able to blow out all the candles, everyone in the village has to give you a beej. Of course, it's not as easy as it sounds . . .
This week's pictures are from Joseph Campbell's slide show for his "Drunken fire-starting god archetype" lecture.
Jesus Christ Mr. Miyagi, what the F#*K is "Daniel-San" going to learn from this test.
Every boy had to prove that his man by shaving his dong and torching his pubes.
A memorial -- To the brave penises attached to each of the young victims of the 2009 Lindsay Lohan Spring Break Horny-bender...for each candle: a life, a love, a tragedy.
30 Seconds after this picture was taken, the Japanese Michael Caine was heard shouting 'YOU WERE ONRY SUPPOSE TO BROW DA RUDDY DOORS OFF'
Yes, I know that cats are flammable, but what everybody forgets about is the smell.
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! HAAAPPPYYYY BIIIRRRTTTHHHHDAY! Deeaaarrr God!! Happy brithday to you!
"hey, maybe wouldn't have lit all the fuses at once, these ARE some pretty big firecrackers"
The Burning of "Good Fortune" candles has been observed for Centuries. It has never been known to work.
The Chinese have finally figured out how to motivate those Babushkas to come over for a visit.
The complete idiots guide to necromancy: Step 1 giant candles = giant cooler demons
With one of the giant candles actually being an M-80, the game of "Chinese-Roulette" was born!
China looks to take the lead from Japan in the "F*cked up Porn" department.
" Okay, so now we have it set up, what music shall we use for Japanese Musical Chairs Extreme?"
Seriously, Anyone else wonder who the pyromaniac at Cracked.com headquarters is recently?
Come on in gentlemen, there's enough seating for everyone. C'mon now, don't be shy
Cultural lesson #124: In the USA, men often wait for their spouse with big boner and small candles. In Japan...
Goddamit, Cracked, why did you let the pyromaniacs take over the Craption contest this week?
Ah, so the Japanese are responsible for all of these goddamn fires at Cracked! Sons of bitches!
They're all getting ready to sit on them, to represent their flaming hemorrhoids.
On the Chinese version of "The Apprentice," Donald Trump's catchphrase was taken a bit too literally.
This is why I quit working at the fireworks factory. Their idea of safety procedures was to write "stand back when lit" on everything, and then light them.
"...and it seemed to me, you lived your life, like a candle in a gay Japanese bath-house..."
Not unlike the American story of Santa's elves, but in the Japanese version everyone gets candles for Christmas. It sucks.
Chuck Norris's birthday cake. After he blows out the candles, he personally kicks the ass of each fighter.
In Japan, they take the flaming turd in a bag on your doorstep to a whole new level.
Alright, the turds are lit, who's gonna ring the doorbell before we run off?
Chinese writing, half naked men, and flames burning inside elephant femurs. Just another Thursday night for Nathan Lane
if this the trend for October I, Nostradamus, predict the craption on the 31st will be the end of days
"And this week our favorite, zany cracked columnists replace the popular gay theme with a whole new form of flaming!"
It is a little known fact that an open flame forces most Japanese people to spontaneously shed their clothing.
In America poorly endowed men compensate for their misfortune with flashy cars. In Korea, candles apparently serve the same purpose.
When Michael Bay has a romantic candlelit dinner with his wife, he doesn't fuck around.
With every new model of iPod comes the traditional of the Get Rid of the Old One ceremony.
Good thing the candles had instructions on the side or these guys would have had no idea what to do.
At midnight they will sit themselves of the flaming stools and thus shrink their genitalia and expand brain power.
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, no fuggin way jacks making it over all these candle sticks"
At first, the Chinese were a little confused about the Ancient Roman public baths concept
Romantic candles? Check. Men in their underpants? Check. Now...where are the girls? Wait...what kind of bar is this??!?
And now for the attempt at the world record in simultanious fart lighting ...
In response to slumping sales, Benihana tries a fresh new approach to entertainment dining.
China's version of the show Survivor had one fatal flaw. Which one is Xiang Chen Poo's flame? Looks like the tribe has NOT spoken.
When the Chinese government wants to leave a flaming turd on your doorstep, they don't fuck around
What's the deal with this Benihana restaurant concept? The seat gives you a burning sentation that's worse than hemmoroids.
Landmines in Japan were a little more noticeable which turned out to be their downfall in WW2.
YOU! Your towel is too long, pull it up or i will burn you with the Bill from School House Rock!
China tries to put out all of the decoy torches from the Olympics...F*&K you Tibet sympathizers.
If you think this is fucked up.....wait till they bring out these weird people shaped ballons and start blowing them up.
The female 'Burnus Igniteous Gigantous' lays its' lone fiery egg amidst a plentiful food source.
This is the 37 Husbands response...Instead of one fire, we have a bunch...Bi*&hes
Look at the size of their COCKS...no...wait...I mean candles...what happened there?
On the other side of the village, the Wong family are preparing their water bombs for the most epic family battle of the decade.
Next to burn? Our loinclothes because my loins are already burning for you!
"It's getting hot in here...so take of all.." "Dude seriously, it wasn't even funny the first time."
"Today in class, I'll be teaching you why you don't drink Saki. The candles are your asshole. I'm sure you know what comes next."
After the spectacular failure of yesterday's craption, I don't know how Tokyo officials thought THIS would draw out Mothra.
Aren't these pictures supposed to be funny in and of themselves? Every craption from this week has fucking sucked. F you. Michael Bay's candles.
The illuminative properties of whale penis have been savoured by knowing cultures for centuries.
Students pray before their first Organic chemistry test..... (or at least i am)
The first suggestion for the new Airbender Trailer was deemed...too homo erotic for larger audiences.
In Burma They watch Burning Candles. In U.S. They watch The O'Reilly Factor. Who ends up full of Sh1t?
If you think this is weird, wait till you see how they put em out. Spoiler alert: they don't use water
Ok, so maybe i'm a terrible interior decorator, but my exterior arrangements are superb
Surrounded by sweaty Asian men and cut off from his faithful Sam, Frodo knew it was a mistake to follow the candles.
Mourners gather for a candlelight vigil honoring victims of bukake and/or Godzilla.
So...just how long do we have to roast the bull testes for? Are they even going to be edible still?
Did someone forget to pay the light bill? And why is there a credit card charge for 50 fart candles from ebay?
When great master Wu lost his keys, the whole School of The Fighting Towels was convened for an all night search.
Glorious nation of North Korea forever powerful no capitalist devil able to compete with super Kim Jong-il defense army...
It's not the size of the candle that matters, it's..ok.... alright, so it is the size of the candle that matters.
Please, SOMEONE explain why "documents" is a dirty word. Or IS it actually "Doc * ments", and if so, what the fuck are "ments"?
Who forgot to pay the power bill? And what is this credit card charge for 50 fart candles from ebay??
North Korea is testing their latest weapon ... giant bags of flaming dog shit. Their mission is to place one on the doorstep of every American, after which they will ring your doorbell, run away, and hide in your neighbors bushes.
A stirring tribute to those lives lost in Beijing's annual fart-lighting contest.
A fire marshal was on hand to make sure Larry King's birthday cake did not endanger civilians.
Chang's shit-scented candle company was an abysmal failure, so he decided to burn off the inventory and have the whole village to himself for a while.
I just don't get some of this Japanese porn. What the hell is going on here?
In Japan, Halloween also involves Roman Candles! But you know... overdone the Japanese way.
Yo, Asian's you did a good job, I'ma letchu finish, but yesterday's craption had the best pyrotechnics of all time.
And as each testicle burned a fiery death, the eunuchs rejoiced in silent, excruciating prayer
N’gggyleth kkkul N’kkul N’gggyleth Wattqawa Cthulhu! Ry’leth Avk Rttleh Cthulhu! CTHULHU TKKE TKKE N’GGGYLETH CTHULU
Do you remember "The tortise and the Hare?" This is what happened to the hare.
Why the hell has Cracked chosen four pictures with fire in a row? Pyro week, here we come!
The worest idea for a super villian ever, Diabolico, made out of thirty torches.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, as evidenced by the progressive nature of these "Craptions" -- as they are referred -- I feel that there is, beyond a reasonable doubt, a solid illustration of Defendant David Wong's slow descent into pyromanic madn
Once the votes read, the decision final. The person voted out will be asked to reave the Tribal Council area immediatery.
"When Slyvestor Stallone makes "Rocky 7 fight evil leprechans" the world will never be the same."
"This is just a rough example; now everyone lie on your back and get erections."
im startin to wonder what he meant when he called her a candle in the wind
"Now you know why Chicago didn't get the Olympics, most people in Europe aren't gay."
Upon hearing the local "Lady of the Evening" was anything but a lady, the fellas held a clothes burning and communal shower ceremony.
We apologise to China for war time darknesses. We now make up by candle lightnesses.
After ripping off their testicles with their bear hands, the men are bandaged and begin the final phase of the religious castration by burning their own balls and consuming the ashes.
After reading Dan Brown's new book, they decided there was only one solution to get rid of it
After sex, the Japanese often practice a form of alternative medicine to heal broken pelvises.
"So what's with all the candles?" "Some dumbass in America wants to hang them in a sphere of some kind..."
They are actually lighting the candles of Kim Jong Il's birthday cake. No one but him may have a slice!
"Amu dami dofu da!" *Wack!* "Amu dami dofu da!" *Wack!* "Amu dami dofu da!" *Wack!*.........
in Japan they're very serious about people stealing their identity. They BURN their documents.....
I don't think Japan has caught on to the whole "light in the air" at concerts yet.
I'll bet everyone one of these guys has his ass air locked down to avoid the gout of fire that will surely engulf them all if one of them farts.....
Did you know that in Japanese, they use the same character for "Fire Safety Hazard" as they do for "Opportunity"?
The new Japanese public toilet scheme took a beating when the Judo team went out for a curry night..
"Alright, guys. We finally have enough citronella candles to ward off Godzilla!"
Giant ass candles - 830,000 yen Getting oriental guys in nothing but towels - 34,000,000 yen Trap door with gasoline filled pit in the center prayer area - 698,000,000 yen Taping the mayhem from the lighted area looking over it all - priceless.
I said, 'YOUR NUTS!' And then he punched me right in the face. Thats the last time that I'll warn anybody that their balls are on fire ...
Yanwok....July 3, 1950......Yankees Candles opens new franchises....inadvertently destroys quaint Japanese suburb.
Fuck Rio. We'll make our OWN Olympic Games! With 50 torches! And inflatable raft races!
does anyone else wanna just tip one over for the hell of it? or is that my crazy side talking again?
It seems big candles and big undies go together well when it's a relaxing "boys night out" in Japan.
Alright guys I know my contact fell somewhere around here, can we get some more light please!
These Japanese pranksters don't mess around anymore, ever since old man Jenkins called the cops on them,
Unfortunately a new petrol station had been built next to the Japanese celebration grounds
These people go to great lengths to make sure that they still have light when the power's knocked out.
This ancient Chinese fire trick is called Oh My God My Arm Is On Fire Seriously Man Put It Out Put It Out.
the purifying effect of this much fire should be eugh to cleanse our souls of the gay 30-some we just had
the purifying effect of this much fire should be eugh to cleanse our souls for that gay 30-some we just had
"Haha, and then we wake the Sensei and watch him try to stomp out ALL of this flaming dog shit!!"
This is a technique used to scare off the homophobic Godzilla. The Flamers read, "We're Here, We're Queer, Get used to it!"
I know they're worried about their small tackle, but compensating with candles? really?
Even with the extra preparation, Master Kurosawa still blew out all his birthday candles in the end.
Bring it on zombie-mosquito's. I'll be waiting in the supply closet with a double-barreled candle. WHO WANTS SOME?!
We are here to commemorate a very great man. May he, and his balls whom our gods are named after, rest in peace.
"Yo Asian candles, I'm gonna let you finish, but ball of candles from yesterday was the best arrangements of candles ever"
"You know Hiro, these candles would look rad if we stuck them on a sphereroid!"
"Not one of these giant firecrackers are exploding! They can't all be duds! Light that one, Wang!"
I've heard about lighting a bag of poop on fire but the Chinese are taking this way too far.
if one more person makes a michael bay joke, I WILL RIP OUT THEIR BALLS THROUGH THEIR ASS AND CRAM THEM DOW THEIR THROAT!!! ok? ok.
Ah! So when the geishas see all these candles, they'll pucker-up and blow us?
"Dunno guys, maybe wondering around in our underwear next to open flames is not the best of ideas..."
Indy was sadden when he went back to the temple 20 year later to find Short Round working as a male sub slave.
Nintendo Wii is not manufactured -- it is summoned from the fires of hell.
This dates way back when the lady god would rain blood down on their village so they began building giant tampons and lighting them so she could see.
I can't believe they're making us put these warnings on. They're dragon bones, for fuck's sake! Of course the marrow fire can burn you! Idiots.
"You listen now! Anyone who make forbidden monk-on-monk bang-bang must light candle and beg Buddha forgive you!"
Michael Bay. That's right Michael Bay. It is Michael Bay. Fucking Michael Bay! You better Michael Bay. Michael Bay, Michael Bay, Michael Bay
The traditional super diapers prepared the workers for the pants-shittingly awesome fireworks to come.
"Sorry guys, my mistake. Your supposed to put them on the door step, ring the bell, and then light em & run".
After seeing the night shift come on duty at the Hyundai plant - I suddenly realized why they are so cheap to build.
Lighting the candles on Godzillas birthday cake is always an event for the citizens of tokyo!!!
The Japanese were praying the kami would be appeased by the flaming balls of crap...
The bishop finally had to step in and tell the parishionners to change to electric devotional "candles."
But, honey, it was like a 200 for the price of one deal, I just couldn't pass it up.
I don't know...maybe if these were all arranged in some sort of, err, testicle shape it would make sense...
If Peir 1 is selling their shit candles back to the Chinease... do they still ship across Atlantic to return again?
Oh Reginald I love to experience new cultures they're so ah ahhh aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Bed Bath & Beyond's new "Giant Bone Marrow Candles" were more popular than even their creators would have imagined.
Patience, we must first honor our bathouse ancestors... then comes the fucking
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