ChaseMitchell
"Hold on — why are we just flashing him with a bunch of pointless lights?" "I dunno. The captain said something about giving him a 'banal strobe.'"
FedEXguy
You forgot the Hula hoop?! But I can't prove she's levitating without a Hula hoop!!
Julius_Goat
The thing that troubles me is that, because of unions, you have four aliens doing a two-alien abduction.
Ronin22
Well, we've put some lights on Chris Mastry. When does Santa arrive to put gifts underneath him?
Priapism
So there was this blinding light, and then I blacked out. When I awoke, my blow-up doll was missing...
Leaf
"I got probed by four aliens last night!" "Really?! How do you feel?" "How do you think I feel. They haven't phoned, they haven't wrote..."
Ronin22
Goddamn it ET. See that glowy tire tread? That's the fifth human you ran over with that damn bicycle.
Gatt
Steve, don't bullshit me, I can see your jizz all over the place. We were all supposed to do it together!
sabre2spartan
It appears they either giving a low five, asking for payment, or attempting to force choke you
crhino
the earthling did not seem to enjoy our pearl necklace...lets move on to the fisting
Julius_Goat
X'noxx was mortified. They'd traveled over 700 billion light years to abduct a girl he'd met online, and he'd just now realized that none of them had any genitals.
dramdan
Look long and hard... THIS is the chilling prospect that all women face if abortions are banned
dramdan
"We will not harm you, you have our word. We mean it from the heart of your bottom."
TheChronicler
...and Julie was never late with her payments to the Church of Scientology again.
troutism
"What if, and just stick with me here on this... What if we DON'T shove anything up it's ass?"
bcanders
"What do we do with it?" "I don't know. Should I ... should I stick this probe up its butt?"
jonnyt
The aliens' experiments with the "Gimme Five" gesture would have yielded better results BEFORE the anal probe.
inmate42392
We've come to punish your species for the "Day the Earth Stood Still" remake
watchthedecline
Ironically, the same people who think the lunar landing was staged, believe this to be real.
WHYAMIYELLING?
After extensively researching the most viewed sites on the internet the aliens came to the conclusion that bukkake would be the most appropriate greeting
rinkster
"It's ok, it's ok, settle down, we are scientists from another...mother fucker...Gary would you put that back in your pants"
dying_in_back
We've got to come clean...we said it was in the interest of our race's study of humanity. It was just a gang rape. I hope we can all look at this one day and laugh.
Fkelleghan
No matter how loudly we begged our dad to take us to another planet on vacation, he always liked doing the same stupid things on the same stupid third from the sun.
Todzilla
I am tired of these motherfucking illegal aliens using our motherfucking healthcare.
Swaimfan
Sophisticated technology, impossible to tell apart, kidnap women for sex... Aliens are basically Japanese from space.
AntonioVargas
What? Oh no, no, we we're just gonna give you a foot massage! God what did you think we we're going to do?
vilculiao
They're so highly evolved they don't draw dicks on drunk people's faces anymore.
Rumplemeyer
Having monitored our television transmissions for years, the aliens finally decided that it was time for someone to fuck with Bam Marguera's mind, for a change....
fluisterwoud
The NASA training program covers every possible scenario an astronaut may face
Leaf
"Holy Fuck, Xneil, how many anal beads did you put in?!?" "Just keep pulling Mxghr, just keep pulling..."
CaptionDatAss
The husband gladly made arrangements for his wife's fantasy to come true. Unfortunately, when she said "big black guys," he thought she said "big black eyes."
CaptionDatAss
In Japanese bukkake films, girls are covered with semen. In Jupiter bukkake films, girls are covered with spacemen.
jaynine
When aliens screw up at work--"Mike, for the last time! Do not take the humans out of the store windows. They aren't real!"
amnesiac87
Hey! You guys said we were going to a nice restaurant, not Outback Steakhouse.
crhino
alien birth is a little different miss...we will be pulling the squid out of your ass...now relax
Ometeotl
Interesting, these humans are empty on the inside and seem to have plastic skin...
crhino
I can't believe she thinks we are real aliens chums! wait till the D&D club hear about this
gitsum
Seriously, then he pulled out his junk and took a glowing green piss all over me.
inmate42392
What the hell, does the alien on the far right have a long dick consisting of lightbulbs?
Spirolli
If you don't tell us where your leader is....we'll light you up like a Christmas tree.
Pitt
"Damn it! This isn't their leader! Next time grab the guy that put them on the island!"
Ronin22
Honestly, that bedroom is going to bring down your sale price by at least 20 thousand.
Ed_Gein
This one has a hole at the bottom and is leaking. It's okay, I have one here that has a plug.
Priapism
Gleebor - "Don't worry, this is only what we call and 'Egg-straction'. HA! Get it? I kill me!"
Stardog
Boy I had the weirdest dream last night that I was being anal probed by white aliens, good thing it was only a dre.. CRAP!
Zaphod
being Zorlak's first time anal-probing, he couldn't hold his wad long enough to actually "do it"
gitsum
Alien hazing is a bit different, but if you want to join Upsilon Phi Omicron, this is your only option.
grafton
Wooo, you're on a scary alien planet....woooo. Wait a minute, that's just a painting. I know this place...CORKEY! Get me the HELL our of your basement! Abort! Abort!
nimo
Welcome to my love pad, you sexy aliens. I was expecting you. I hope you brought your probes.
Daniel_Garcia
Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. And people'd be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
inmate42392
OMG, this pic is sooo fake! Towels are supposed to be the most useful thing in the universe. God, get the facts right!
tomjenkins
"look Nelxoz, I know she's fat but we're supposed to be abducting actual cows"
Pitt
Can an alien get some privacy? I'm probing her with my glowy schlong and everybody wants to barge in! Did I barge in on you when you were probing seannyb's amazing ability to have multiple posts with votes right away? Nooo! I gave you privacy. Now ge
AgentOrange
The next thing I remember after finding the "Landing on the Moon" set would haunt my nightmares forever.
Clover
Remember when UFOs kidnap you and you become pregnant? Which one of these is the father?
buddywts
light as a feather- stiff as a board, light as a feather- stiff as a board.......
jreese
Ted always had a secret erotic fascination with the dead, unfortunately this secret fantasy was impossible to hide when his junk kept glowing neon during autopsies.
gitsum
So, you travelled 10,000 light years and landed in the middle of a desert completely nude...? Advanced life forms...right....
wxman0
I knew I wasn't the only one with this problem! Even intelligent life forms have problems finding the hole! And they have the lights ON!
dillinger72
"Wait guys, something's wrong here. I thought the technical manual said only the male of the species have dicks."
DeathByCarousel
His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson.
lowkey
I'm not really gay, but aliens do keep kidnapping me and doing things to my asshole.
Nightpath
At the precise moment his eyes opened Billy decided it was time to come out of the closet, because at this point it would only help the situation.
MC_Rap
Even though Jessica Simpson was alive and well, the aliens still could not get any brain activity
MC_Rap
Oh great...we lost another one. I keep telling Blork that putting these tumbleweeds and dirt in the probing room isn't very sanitary!
CaptionDatAss
They must be Jewish aliens, 'cause they're hanging up blue Hanukkah lights.
Nightpath
First it was the haunted house, then it was Big Foot...who the fuck was going to believe Chad when he told everyone about this?
quagmyre
Four ET's paid for the all-you-can-eat buffet, and they plan on getting their money's worth. Although they were hoping for shellfish.
controlfreak777
Let me guess some genius is going to ask where he can put his dick. Like that has never been said before.
vik
This was probably our most successful community theater production of "Twelve Angry Men".
buddywts
Throw in two donkies, a six-pack and a truck with power-steering- and I can be the freak I REALLY am for 20 minutes.
CaptionDatAss
In the final battle, the humans sabotaged the aliens with a "blow-up" doll...
wxman0
Oh the anal probe excuse. It's always something isn't it? "Not tonight honey I have a headache", "Not tonight, it's that time of the month", "Not tonight, I just got anal probed". Frankly I'm tired of the excuses.
VivaLaPlank
Aliens enjoy this too? It seems we are not so different to our inter-planetary brethren after all...
drgirlfriend24
How many aliens does it take to do an anal probe? One, but you need atleast four to make the human feel akward.
NightOwl26335
This is my brother Larry, my other brother Larry and my other brother Larry ... tell us about this Capt. James T. Kirk
NightOwl26335
Katie woke up - dazed and confused - all she remembered is that Tom had just recently come out of the closet and reassured her that one way or another they would start a family
Lolpezatron
Well let's see-Mouth, Anus, Vagina...Looks like you're gonna have to make your own hole, Zagu.
NightOwl26335
We brought you here ... now tip us like Puff Daddy ... or pay the consequences!
gypsy61
I missed today's craption dadline because of traffic and this was a good one damnit!!!!
Lolpezatron
Well lets see-mouth,anus,vagina-looks like your gonna have to make your own hole, Zagu.
NightOwl26335
Hurry up and reanimate her ... the next one is a humanoid named Carridine and he's wicked pissed
santilon14
"OH man! Anal probes are so annoying..." "Ummm... yeah, anal probes are stupid... right... God dammit"
tommykilgore
no thats not a painted sheet silly bitch now go back to sleep before you wake up my parents
Jason13
Day 14 in the Big Brother house, and Big Brother has a surprise for the housemates...
nighthawk
The Junior Division of the Martian Rodeo Probe Roping competition was almost as much fun to watch as the greased zylpx contest.
crackcorn
Alien Gangbangers Volume #34: "Watch as Slorvak and friends show Danica the REAL meaning of "Anal Probe"!
Rivethead578
New Roswell Barbie! Ken as Hudson with "Game over, man!" voice pull string sold separately.
KungFuBigBoss
A screenshot from the edited-out last five minutes of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."
NefariousBIG
Typical, you show Cracked members a picture of aliens, the first thing they think of is the nuber of orifices they have.
NefariousBIG
THIS IS L. RON HUBBARD BEING BORN. SERIOUSLY, THIS REALLY HAPPENED, THERE WERE ALIENS AND CRAZY LIGHTS AND SHIT. THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN USING THE POWER OF THE MIND! WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED? Also, give us more money, or we'll '1984' your ass.
Stever
Now let me wrap you with my long glowing tube that seems to be coming from my pelvis... no homo.
Tazz
I can;t understand how the "I'd eat the whole thing but that would be shellfish" craption won yesterday.
Phil_S
It was at that moment when Margeret realized giving in to her husband's wish to do a masked orgy with his was the worst decision of her life, right after marrying him.
suziwong
The opening scene for the sci-fi version of Mama Mia - which one is the father!
Priapism
Becky understood their intentions, but was confused with the lack of "equipment"...
JakkRabbit
Figuring he needed a quick trim, blind Timmy unwittingly walks into what he thought was his usual barber shop.
jaymis
Queue the bass, and remember to slowly zoom in on the human's face for the money shot
gitsum
Little did the aliens know that they were surrounded by asbestos while operating on a dummy!
buddywts
Oh no! this species only has 3 holes!....guess we'll have to go one at a time...
Gabo
come on guys! you said you would wait before staining the walls with your...who knows what
icedsoy
Aliens: Are you Howard Johnson? Howard: ...Yes? Aliens: Witnessed and served. See you in court, douche!
wxman0
Oh man, Annakin Skywalker is really gonna be pissed when he finds this black mail photo.
crhino
you may feel slight discomfort...like 8 tentacles up your rectum but just try to relax. It will be over in light years
Gunn
Is it just me, or is the lit up alien penis that wraps around her the most disturbing thing in this picture?
buddywts
Zeb! Don't be rude! We'll wait for Blort to get here before we begin eating....
Boxy
So, what do we do now? I don'tknow ?but I got a boner and I don't even know what that is.
natebooze
I don't know whats happening!! its like this animal is taking a shit, but it looks like a miniture one... eeeewwwww sick!!! what the fuck!!
EaterOfClowns
It didn't take the amateur director long to realize the quintessential flaw in his alien themed porno.
CaptainPJShark
All aliens need is an internet connection, and then they can get all the anal probing they want, and more they don't.
quagmyre
Twenty minutes later, still bemoaning the fact that their only contribution to humanity is the fry and the kiss, France surrendered.
MC_Rap
the other three aliens just jerked off while Kreenon gave the earth girl a "pearl necklace"
quagmyre
Racist bastages, always depicting ET's as oriental. C'mon get with the times and knock of that "Chinese eyes" crap.
Nightpath
"Yes" though Drew, "Now I'll have a good explanation for my stretched asshole!"
MC_Rap
the aliens continue their never ending search to find the one who took "Mama's Family" off the air
quagmyre
So these four illegal aliens walk into an operating room...stop me if you've this one...
TrapserCat
C'mon, guys, did you research our Earthling expectations of your advanced technology AT ALL? Shorts sheets and rope light? I can hardly even tell the probe is in there.
TrapserCat
God's honest truth, I SWEAR this time...THIS is the last scene from the series finale of "Lost."
Gr3m1in
The alien autopsy video was later found to be a total fake. You can't tell that's just a maniquin under a sheet
CaptionDatAss
You know who's jerking off to this right now? The UFO Hunters from the History Channel. And me.
Zounds!
Oh yeah...now wrap it around her body...uh-huh...like that...but can you do it more sexy? ...Wow...that's hot...I just want to touch it...
CharginChuck
The "alien bukkake" genre hasn't exactly taken the porn world by storm the way they hoped it would.
buddywts
I won't go into detail about what the aliens did to me- but it was still more enjoyable than reading Cracked Craptions.....
buddywts
OH I GET IT! CRAP-tions, they're supposed to be horrendously shitty and un-funny, my bad.
OvaltinePatrol
I was defrocked after telling this version of the nativity to my congregation.
Panic
"Ugh... These things aren't nearly as attractive as we thought they were. Better tie it up with these Christmas lights."
kinniph
"Somone get the poparazzi out of here. I told my earth slave wife that she she's the only one I would analy probe."
WHYAMIYELLING?
What do you mean you forgot the manual? Fuck! Ok, which is the foot and which is the head?
Jason13
After the day we made first contact, Republican conventions were still the most disturbing experience imaginable.
WarrenGHarding
We have made the mannequin levitate! For out next trick, we shall need an audience member to pick a card...
ZenStorm
The massive flying saucer continued juggling planets, blissfully unaware of the tentacle rape occuring upon the surface of one of it's "toys."
CocktailDad
Dude, we could totally take her to our planet if our ship wasn't a fucking CAVE!
mrjoebert
With King Xenu hot on their heels, the Martians had no choice but to hide the scientific miracle baby Jebus on planet Earth.
FrostLight
You thought GITMO and extraordinary rendition was harsh? Check out our GITMO Facility on Reticulus Major!
Cradlejack
Ted knew he should be frightened of the situation, but was more frightened of the fact that he was aroused by it.
troutism
At first, I thought the whole "alien club" idea was pretty gay. But, I must admit, it does appear we're about to get laid.
troutism
At first, it was a strain on the relationship, but now this was the only was Judy could get to sleep.
troutism
The secret to alien levitation technology turns out to be a table under the sheet.
87gn
Exclusive new photos from Roswell confirms alien invaders are Catholic. Seen here, a Rosary service for a fallen brother.
Dunstin Checks Out
That night they took an oath to bury him out in the desert and never mention it again, worst prom ever.
raghu92
We call it anal probing 'cause we don't want to believe that they traveled that far just to ass rape us
KRAZYG
Aliens prove thier smarter than earthlings by creating a new game combo...."Lite Brite, Operation, and Porn!"
D.O.A
ZOOL: "AHH SHIT Klacto Shes's Dead" Klacto: "Well If You Had'nt Left The Frickin Keys In The Ship We'd Be Conducting This In Our O2 Chamber Would'nt We" GO-NAD: "Arms out boys hail us a dam cab"
CaptainGeoffrey
Sorry earthling, we had to use your basement. The door to our ship is on the fritz!
nyangel
We've been doing these anal probes for thousands of years and all we've learned is that one out of ten like it!
durdadan
this species is so fantastic, it has knees, and it's arms don't touch the floor!
BenHessler
Tensions rise high on the set of James Cameron's highly anticipated sci-fi epic: "Avatar is the single most complex piece of film-making ever made," the legendary director said.
Canas
This is only the first in a series of slides taken from shitty 80's and 90's music videos.
OliOfWar
Who knew that a fistfull of acid and a Tellytubby christmas special could end so horribly?
sombunall
Due to a shipping error, we are currently overstocked with wacky inflatable arm-flailing aliens.
chllngr
Guys, I distinctly remember red AND green. If we're going to do Christmas I want GREEN.
StandingBull
The legendary missing scene from the latest Indiana Jones movie, before being restored by George Lucas.
jvp117
aliens discovered that after much consumer testing, the colour of their probes didnt do shit for the experience
rivrav
they have yet to find the human female reproductive organs, but with their glow in dark genitalia it shouldn't take long
Stavros
"Hi Earthling, sorry about all this but we are just wondering if you know of any progressive-rock album sleeve artist jobs going on your planet? Check out the murial behind us, we're not bad."
November 2009
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