lismartarse
Newspaper, a rubberband, and steel wool? I dont know MacGyver, I think you're over your head on this one...
bcanders
There were some minor complications with your plastic surgery. We lost your penis.
spectre_vampire
Subject: One-and-a-half feet tall, possible Multiple Personality Disorder, suffered third degree burns while trying to save his "Precious".
Tessica
So I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that the surgery didn't take and you're dead. The good news is I've got a date for Saturday night.
technobot
If this thing ever gets exposed or somehow escapes we just make up a new disease and tell the world he's a child infected with it. Does swine flu sound good?
Julius_Goat
What's funny is this is the first photo in three weeks that won't get "FAKE" captions.
Tessica
Do you promise to behave Rebecca? Then you can come back from the corner time-out.
fullmetal2405
"We can rebuild him... I just don't want to. I mean... Look at him. Jesus Christ monkey balls."
Blinker_Fluid
Looks like they used most of their budget for the fake alien and had to swipe a couple mannequins from Good Will.
Brett-Butler
Choose your mode of death. Impale-o-matic MK.3000 or the Wall Street Journal
gitsum
The baby's genius was identified when he immediately requested a copy of the Wall Street Journal follwing his birth.
Brett-Butler
I could have gone to Japan for holiday, but noooo, Holland seemed to 'normal' to you.
buddywts
I'll ride that for 8 seconds....OH SHIT- new caption..........I'll stick with my answer.
Ronin22
Listen, if you won't take me to the restroom at least put the newspaper under my arse.
SteveHardon
"I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE REST OF US ARE IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO MAKE MEN IN BLACK 3!"
Guruawc
For the first and last time did the alien lay eyes on the Earth God known as Chuck Norris
xgrendelx
What that alien doesn't realize is, those humans are fake! In fact, they don't even exist.
Brett-Butler
ET phone home...because the US government doesn't have universal healthcare.
crhino
well I am obviously the doctor, and he is the weird alien patient...who the fuck are you supposed to be?
gitsum
Highschool diploma, check. Undergraduate degree from state college, check. Medical school in the Bahamas, CHECK!
gitsum
Hmmm...during my last surgery a red light on the nose would buzz if I made a misstep, interesting.
gitsum
Nurse Jenkins, do you have a copy of an anatomy text? This does not appear to be normal...
rockymcrock
He just read the news that there's going to be two more McG Terminator films.
buddywts
Personally- I almost CAN'T get-off without a nurse and a dead alien in the room anymore...
jonnyt
I've got some bad news... and as soon as I'm done reading it, I'll look into your problem.
crhino
I don't think this alien autopsy is real...come to think of it I don't think the people are real either
Pitt
"You wanna abduct us and stick shit in our asses? Let's see how you like it motherfuckers!"
Piercewise1
"We believe he died from a severe allergic reaction to some Reeses Pieces, sir."
Wanderer
Admit it. You tried to read the newspaper headline too when you couldn't come up with a craption.
Bui
Now that we have all the foil we could possibly need, we can start the breast transplant
natebooze
As gross as it's body is, it's feet are miniture heads of Pierre McGuire, so let's just cover those little fuckers up...
xgrendelx
Dr. Johnson rushed in from a night on the town to perform an autopsy on the alien. But his one quirk: He just HAS to know what Ziggy has to say...
bilbo1
...and then Harry Potter kicked Voldemort in the nads. And that's why we're here, doc.
Brett-Butler
Commander Billy, had a 10 foot willy, and he showed it to the spy next door. He thought it was a snake, and he hit it with a rake, and now it's tumbling out the door.
rockymcrock
'You come in what?... Oh well whatever... slice him up... let's see if he's telepathic or sumin'
sortableturnip
Billy Mays here with another fantastic product...the Mighty Alien Autopsy Kit!
SteveHardon
Alright! Alright! We aliens really DO exist! Do your autopsy if you must, just tell those guys on the Discovery Channel to stop with all the damn UFO shows!! And Bigfoot says "Whassup?"
zachwoomer
Here's the classifieds just like you asked. I already circled all of the "respiratory dummy" ads for you.
MC_Rap
You know, Blork, you've traveled thousands of light years to visit Earth and all you do is sleep all fucking day. Get a JOB!
MC_Rap
And you will stay in that corner until you realize giving aliens roofies is not funny.
Leaf
During student training days they asked Keith to portray symptoms of diabetes and Mark to portray symptons of being an alien... Mark nailed it!
reinierl
White Coat Guy - "He said I have low self esteem." Man In Black - "He's a fucking alien, now shut up."
AwesomeInc.
It's sickening what they let into operating rooms nowadays. I mean, really, an old newspaper? That's hardly sterile.
patjk73
Headline: Michael Jackson has collapsed from exhaustion on the first leg of his new tour.
Spirolli
This hyperencephalitic child looks like an alien! Let's tape the autopsy and convince millions that we have found an alien.
svartorm
Contgratulations Mrs. Golum. You've given birth to a healty baby.......something.
gypsy61
Laurie backed into the corner of the autopsy room, the strange man seemed to be able to bed his wrists in an inhuman fashion
rockymcrock
'I know I paid for liposuction... but this time I think you've gone a bit too far.'
87gn
We can rebuild him! We have the tools, we have the technology, and we don't have anything else to do right now, Mr Waggoner.
din
After years of having our people stripped and anally probed, we finally struck back at the aliens.
Dr.Pepper
MAN IN BLACK SUIT: "As soon as he read they're remaking "Alien", he fell back on the gurney and made a gurgling noise." DOCTOR: "...I'd love to see Tim Allen in that."
SamLowery
CRACKED's graphics department apparently has managed to interface with Michael Jackson's subconcious.
Brett-Butler
30 seconds later, earth surrendered. That's what happens when you let France take control of the EU.
hijodela
OK I need a Sports Illustrated Swim suit issue, a big mac, some duct tape, some wd-40....you quit standin around we got work to do.
papajon0s1
5 minutes later, France still couldn't come up with a funny craption for this one.
spectre_vampire
Remember that woman who got wailed on by that monkey a few months back? Neither do I.
Kramminator
You know Hollywood is desperate for new movie ideas when they combine Spy vs. Spy, the Six Million Dollar Man and Webster.
Pitt
The elephant-man's twisted sexual habits included having newspapers stuffed up his rectum...
rockymcrock
Staring deep into each other's eyes, the scent of antiseptic and rotting alien carcas was beginning to overwhelm them...
neathy
"I don't know what happened. He read the part about Bernie Madoff and just croaked."
papajon0s1
I changed my mind. Let's skip that whole nationalizing health care thing... Let's go bowling instead!
gitsum
Ok Team, we need a quick cover up here - I'll grab a newspaper and a TV dinner. Nurse, find him a cigar, stat!
CaptionDatAss
Xenu came to Roswell 'cause he heard the massage parlor gave really good happy endings.
Versus
Dr. Volkov was a brilliant alien doctor, but his night job as a D.J. was beginning to interfere.
buddywts
Sci-fi/reality/ surgery channel cross over: So you think you can alien autopsy?
lumberjef
He died the same way as David Carridine, choking the chicken. (What, too soon?)
tossaire
Fuck, I though you were kidding when you said they farted after they died! That's just nasty.
jjok
The doctors quickly determined that while the masks helped keep the environment sanitary, the derby hat and full suit didn't help.
bigsexy
And this is why that doctor was killed at church....these late term abortions are gross!
MC_Rap
-Is it dead? -I don't know...poke it -I'm not gonna poke it. You poke it. -okay, we'll both poke it
buddywts
YOU IDIOT! We needed it ALIVE! Now we'll never find out where it stashed it's pot of gold......
buddywts
Pictured: in the masks- the average Cracked Craptioneer......on the gurney- humor.
BennyMack
THE ALL-NEW MARY KATE OLSEN DIET CAN HAVE YOU SLIMMED DOWN IN JUST 3 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Karkaju
A guy in a suit and hat is going to perform an autopsy in a rubber alien with a tray full of crap and a mannequin for assistant. Why some people still believe those photos are fake is beyond me.
CaptionDatAss
She warned the gynecologist before the exam: "I'm on the Red Planet, doc."
thisismyuserame
It was quickly obvious I shouldn't have taken a CPR class advertised on craigslist's casual encounters.
WarrenGHarding
Lots of people have this procedure done. We promise you won't feel a thing, Mr. McCain.
WarrenGHarding
I have here the newspaper and aluminum foil you requested, sir. And when you awaken, we promise, you'll be a REAL BOY.
WarrenGHarding
In denial, David Duchovny has just kept filming new episodes of "The X-Files" in his basement since 2004.
CaptionDatAss
After the prostate exam the doctor asked Xazjik, "Did you know there's rings around Uranus?"
alonso4lcftw
I feel alienated by your lack of.... WHOLY SHIT WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!!!!?????
neathy
"The alien who played Alf was found dead today of apparent suicide in a Bangkok hotel room." Too soon ?
ShawnStu
Mr. Jackson this is the last procedure I can perform for you in good conscience.
jonathanhoag
Ron and Sarah eyed one another lovingly over the alien corpse. God this was hot.
bobblebrad
Do you want to read the paper while I probe it first or do you want to gang probe it?
Truthiness
Out of all the 800 new medical dramas airing this year, this one seems the most interesting.
CaptionDatAss
How did the alien-human hybrid end up in the hospital? He was hit by a Prius!
CaptionDatAss
He has three days to live, and like an idiot I told him "Live long and prosper."
CaptionDatAss
The UFO Hunters from the History Channel are jerking off to this right now.
Flippy05
"Sir is this a mummy or an alien?" "I don't know but i'm gonna fuck it anyway."
WarrenGHarding
January, 2024-- The final photos from the George W. Bush administration are declassified.
SiwelP
"Be right with you Doctor. Let me just get these tools....ahh! It's shattered my arm with telekinesis!"
Bosque
I'm Chris Hansen, and this is to catch a predator. Mam why don't you take a seat.
supernaut
Turning his Mom's basement into his vision of Area 51 assured Gerald the Lifetime Virginity Award.
gnarlyhotep
Sir you'll have to wait outside, I'm just about to masturbate onto the patient.
fullmetal2405
Somewhere in here is the world's greatest "That's what she said" set-up ever.
rockymcrock
'Tell my wife I love her.' 'Well I would but Will Smith knocked her out 10 minuets ago.'
hijodela
Hey Nancy boy stop blubberin in the corner its not like you haven't seen alien genetalia before.
georgivarious
Alien autopsies make wanna jerk off... you know, beat the meat, like this.
skullknick
Recently on NBC's Behind the Scenes with President Obama... "What to do with Cheney"
Midnight_Huzky
Keanu Reeves' first take on "The Day the Earth Stood Still" Was a little more realistic.
crhino
slowly and nervously scout leader jones inched toward the naked child certain that the doctors mask would conceal his true intentions.
HarveyWright
This is how the man reacted when he found out his doctor cut his penis into tiny pieces in that cracked article yesterday.
MC_Rap
"Damn Mexicans coming up here taking up perfectly good American hospital beds!" "Yeah, Gary, it's not that kind of alien."
CaptionDatAss
When I said I was interested in alien abduction, I meant abducting the aliens, silly!
HarveyWright
The alien fainted after he read that Susan Boyle placed 2nd in Britain's Got Talent
sortableturnip
See what happens when you stare directly into the eyes of Barbara Streisand
buddywts
I shouldn't have left my heart medication right next to the Reece's pieces like that- I can't help feeling Im partially to blame.
PurpleCarpet
And now she took the bones too, I tell you Jim, this divorce has ruined my life.
87gn
While the staff played "Good surgeon / Bad surgeon" the patient slowly wasted away.
Phantomtollboy
Wait...you mean that thing actually used the eggbeater vaginal cleaner? Dear God.
OSUmigl84
Slugworth has gone to new extremes to get alien technology to beat out Wonka's candies.
watchthedecline
Given the current slope of the perversion curve, this is the kind of smut losers will need to masturbate to in a year.
Televangelon
Darth Vader soon realized that the money he saved on the shady health insurance wasn't doing him much good
Televangelon
that'll be two dollars for the paper. No, i didn't ask for twenty cents. Two. Dollars.
Televangelon
after starring in a porno, E.T. found that his career couldn't fall any lower.
Televangelon
"Damnit, ET, you've got to stop putting things up there. that's an exit only hole! EXIT...ONLY!"
quagmyre
What Michael Moore will look like when he finally gets to see the Doctor after America gets Obama-Care. (The Doctor will be performing an autopsy)
ETJ42
It's an alien disection and the only thing I can see it that the man in the suit is semi-transparent.
skyman299
"Well, I've had an erection lasting more than four hours." "Sir, you're the doctor."
nighthawk
Hmmm...it seems the Hobbit's nose doesn't light up when you touch the sides after all.
Romi!
wow it makes sense now. there aren't aliens. its just micheal Jackson! OH! and those aren't anal probes!
TrapserCat
Yes, lives were sacrificed to obtain it, and, yes, it has been verified: This is the final scene from the series finale of "Lost."
fufer2
Lets see todays paper, some aluminium foil and your fruit cup is coming right up...will there be anything else Mr. Jefferson?
mhtsos
That's what happens when Japanese dudes try to take anything other than super-hight-speed-bluetooth-devices more seriously than they should be.
MGSku
at first people thought that an alien had landed but it turns out that Hagred's girlfriend got an abortion.
Stonesfan
Deleted scenes show that the last Indiana Jones movie could have been much, much worse.
samdamndietz
After years of performing reconstructive surgery on Michael Jackson, Dr. Smith just didn't have the heart to tell him how he looked
H1tman007
Now that Madonna was officially banned from Africa, she had to look elsewhere for her house pets
ScottyP
"Push! Push! Congratulations...Ma'am? You've just given birth to a beautiful... Hell I'll be honest, I have no idea what this is."
bald_man6
I told you to wait to show him that a black man was our president......Jackass
Brightlamp
No way man, it's a fake. In the 40's, doctor's masks still tied behind the head, those came after the fact. Amateurs!
Belldo
Bad Doctor! Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done, and say sorry to Trevor.
ladyvampirica
My favorite cut scene from ET. Didn't you ever wonder what happened after they got hit by that plane?
dudeguy23
Auktubioos claims his whole existiance he has felt more like a Gorp. The surgery is only to make it's outsides match what it feels inside.
the_left_hand
Sadly, Sony has continued its WTF? approach with its marketing of the PS3.
OneFishTwoFish
So, tell me, you little green man, how exactly did you fit all of this up your ass?
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