Bill's attempt to enter the Matrix seemed stupid and unorthodox, but Bill was a dreamer. And a masochist.
After several sessions, Rob Schnieder finally agreed to never, ever make another movie.
As it turned out, dancing on the ceiling didn't quite give him that Oh, What a Feeling.
I dunno why, really. When I walked into the sex shop, it just caught my eye and I had to have it.
Well now we know why Fkelleghan didn't post any craptions for a couple weeks.
Mafia extortion collection profits have risen, since the invention of the new "Fuck 'em up 5000".
Does your wife speak her mind??? Do you want it to stop? Then you need the Bitch Trap 3000.
NOTE: this is the guy that leaked the Wolverine prequel... after FOX was done with him!
Note to self: Never search for "robot bondage fetish porn" on Google Images ever, ever again.
"Hello... Yes... I'd like to lodge a complaint about your airline's flotation devices."
...and that was the last time i got drunk at a dentist's office xmas party and tried to x-ray my ass
Listen, Jerry, next time you give a tour of your apartment go ahead and skip the back porch.
If you're going to waterboard someone, make sure there is actual water first.
My robot is about 80% done. I just need to install the arms and the abject horror at its own appearance.
The house didn't kill the wicked witch of the west, she needed intensive care for the rest of her days, and round the clock home-care from the flying monkeys
Tell us that the Cure is the best band ever. TELL US THAT THE CURE IS THE BEST BAND EVER!!!
Uhhh... You know, suddenly my back feels just fine, but thanks anyway Mr. Jackson.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I prefer to get my anal probes the old fashioned way.
The next generation of consoles will be revealed at E3 this year. Move over Wii.
It was after her total lack of response to this test that they finally decided to unplug Terry Schiavo.
Fed up with the short jokes, Tom Cruise decided he'd take the Scientology treatment for that condition.
The literalist was terrible at comitting suicide. After going to Russia to play Roulette didn't work, she then tried to hang herself.
I'll never forget the day Michael Jackson got evicted from my building and they threw all his stuff out into the hallway
In this office we have ways of dealing with people who steal lunches from the refrigerator.
This just proves that the most expensive dandruff treatments aren't always the best.
They keep telling me I should get my prostate examined but, you know, I just don't think these doctors know what they're doing...
For some reason, few people bothered to try The David Blaine Experience on their trip to Vegas.
Dear Obama, This is what people are doing after reading your stimulas package..LOL Sincerly, George Bush. PS: I'm just playing Homie, good job so far.
While not as technically advanced, the Mexican Space Program tests their astronauts just as rigorously as NASA does.
The Chinese space program is not going as well as they led us to believe in the Olympic Opening Ceremony.
With available cemetery plots increasingly hard to come by, the new "Plantall 5000" drives your deceased loved one into the ground with a small explosive charge
OSHA rethinks its stance on airbags and safety belts on 2009 model inkjet copiers
Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
You think Japan's robots are intense? Just look at what Khazakstan's best minds came up with!
"Yeah, my oldest made this for me in shop class. "Er, what is it?" "...terrifying."
"Upside-down, boy you turn me, inside-out, roun..." Woah, woah, lets just back up a bit here, ok?
The new Wii physical therapy unit makes recovery so fun, you'll wonder why you didn't throw your back out sooner!
Tom Cruise endures this brutal treatment daily, in a desperate attempt to become at least as tall as his wife.
Bill's attempts to enter the Matrix seemed stupid and futile to his neighbors, but Bill was a dreamer. And a masichist.
The Republican Party's plan to become the party of hip hop took a turn for the worst.
Escaping was made much more difficult by the fact that she had a hot pocket for an arm...
The Heimlich-o-matic, demonstrated here, is the cutting edge in turn-your-ass-over-and-shake-the-shit-out-of-you-until-you-cough-up-whatever-is-blocking-your-windpipe technology.
I wish Grandma wrote the instruction for what was to be done with her remains before her dementia set in.
It's the Abdomocoastenergizflexlazersculptrockerlounge. Only 52 "easy" payments of 19.95
It seems the author of "500 uses for duct tape" has gotten totallt wrapped up in his work.
Welcome to the Southern Somalia Medical Center, this is the surgery room. Please wait your turn.
Sorry babe, but this is simply the ONLY way I that can achieve sexual climax.
Blood rushing to his head, and quickly losing conciousness, Bill had an epiphany: the high heels did not match the straight jacket.
They say a picture says a thousand words...this one is screaming: What the F*@#!!!!
After several hours Danny promised he would never look at Facebook during work hours again.
Why they don't use that excercise machine that just jiggles you around anymore.
Humans discover in the future they need middle aged soccer moms to keep their machines working.
George was beginning to regret his decision to live life upside down after getting piss in his eye for 27th time.
The new Iron Man villian the Iron-Lung just wasn't a lucrative toy seller
It turns out Bruce Wayne's infatuation with bats even stretches into his sex life.
Good thing this has wheels on it, so you can transport your Headrush Goth to any room in the house!
"Well, we're going to have to hook you up to the machine that flips you upside-down, stick some tubes in all your orifices, strap lead aprons to your thighs, and tape your eyes shut." "...I'll just die, thanks."
i really think 5 is enough, do we really need to know the identity of dollface?
Look, the older versions of the Matrix relly sucked, be glad you have what you have and bow to your machine overlords, I mean like if you could bow
Damn you, Cracked! How did you get a picture of my Spine-o-Matic Spine Adjuster prototype?
This -- THIS -- is why you should never just point at an item on a foreign-language menu.
The David Blane action figure has no movable parts, has one waxy expression, and pretty much serves the same purpose as the real David Blane.
"Can you answer it, Sweetie? Mommy just needs a few more minutes in the anti-gravity machine."
During the thirties, there were many attempts to 'shake the crazy out of people'.
"We're sorry to disturb you, but we feel there may be some doubt as to your disability claim!"
This is how the Chinese government officials think of us on the other side of the globe.
The dummy/distraction from the beginning of the S&M porn parody, "Ferris Bueller Gets Off."
The doctors all thought it was hilarious until the coma patient crapped her pants.
If this is your sex-doll, I don't know if you should be getting out of the house more...or less.
In response to the looming cemetery space crisis, Waste Management Corporation introduces their newest compactor line.
"now i just have to wait for someone to take a picture of me, and I'll get that part in Batman for sure!"
It looks like we have a severe case of ungravitaphobia the fear that gravity will suddenly stop.
If you look in the top right corner, you'll see a nine. By looking your dick shrank 2 inches.
It took Stacey a few days to figure out how to work the remote control for the hospital bed.
Old and busted: Duct taping a geek to a wall. New Hotness: Duct taping a geek to a mobile platform for ridicule on the go.
Most people get picked on for leaving up holiday decorations throughout the year. Gary is not one of those people.
I know times are tough, but the new stimulus plan to squeeze more taxes from us is ridiculous.
Contrary to popular belief, wax sculptor Madame Tussaud was into some pretty kinky shit.
"Say, Ted, that girlfriend of yours sounds swell! Do you have a picture?" "What? No..."
I don't know how it happened, I don't even perticularly care why, just get me the fuck down!
Wow, the writers for House are really running low on ideas for the patient of the week.
sleeping like this will add 10 years to your life, although you'll get a fatal blood lot in the brain after an hour of sleeping like this.
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I STOLE YOUR FUCKING BURRITO NOW WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME THE FUCK DOWN!!!!
New to the english language Maria was confused when her friend asked her if she wanted to "hang out."
Copy Guy: The Movie Starring Rob Schneider Directed by Quentin Tarrantino.
And the day inevitably came when Bob discovered how, in point of fact, his day could get worse.
"By hanging upside, I can increase my brain's functionality by 1000%." "Yea, but aren't you worried about the side effects, like have a stroke?" "Havkjd dkaies sisif fis..."
The government's new tax collecting technology (seen here being beta-tested on a philosophy major) could be in use as soon as 2010.
Looking back, saying "Oh, and what are you going to do, hang me upside down?" might have not been a good idea after all.
Can't afford a lobotomy, so I'm getting my mechanic to do it instead. It's just a few loose screws.
Honey look at this massager! Hmm...why's it called the "Ass-A-Pudic Invader?" Sounds french..
Used once a day along with the exfoliating cream this handy portable device will take years off your life. Start enjoying the younger you today. only £19,999* *excluding VAT
Grandma always loved to ride the paint shaker.. but I never did understand it...
Having successfully lied to their people about the satellite launch, next North Korea attempts to fake a moon landing.
May 12, 2038 - Complaining of chest pains, magician David Blaine was admitted to Cedar-Sinai this morning...
Despite its commercial success, I still think Oprah is beginning to abuse her endorsement power.
While in medical school, David Blaine suddenly came up with an idea to make money...
these are the kind of people who make the theory of de-evolution seem highly likely
Johns home made stew had failed to blow Robs mind. It sure did a number on the rest of him though.
Somehow I was expecting something else when you told me you were going to suspend me.
Artificial insemination procedures in Eastern Europe might be cheaper than in the west, but...
What ya gotta go through these days just to get twenty bucks out of the ATM machine.
"Suicide hotline, how may I help you?" "Yes ma'am I would like a new innovative way to go out, can ya help me out?"
And that's how I found out the jocks on the Football team weren't my friends. (This almost exactly what happened to me)
The Luftwaffe took Ken out of his undesirable plastics labor camp only to undergo extreme human expermintation in the name of the Reich
The frozen Inca mummy underwent rigorous stress tests to qualify for NASA flight status
Lucy always dreamed up becoming a butterfly. So she decided to make a cocoon. And no one dared to say she was insane, for the deep fear of the unrelenting and unrestrained hickory stick beating
Step one: kneel down Step two: insert penis into mouth, moving in and out Step Three: repeat motion and ENJOY!
NASA's "zero gravity machine" wasn't quite what Jane had expected at Astronaut Camp.
Applicants for Billy Bob's Moon Travel will have to undergo strenuous procedures to make sure that they will be able to withstand the rigors of space.
Robert Downey Jr takes the Mark V out for a spin in this pic from the set of 'Iron Man: 2".
Bill wasn't going to be picky when he turned to craigslist for a "romantic encounter", but even he was not prepared for this...
Until recently, Phil had'nt thought to worry that his quiet, new roomate liked to watch the "Saw" movies over and over.
After years of therapy, Ronald McDonald's pedophilia was cured, but there were some interesting side effects.
The interview process at Cracked is a bit gruelling, and not quite worth it.
'Same as the other victims, Lou. Boiled, duct-taped to a xerox machine and hung out to dry. Now one question remains: is this the work of our killer, or a copy cat?'
Vince decided to stop selling the Shamwow and make a new infomercial for the "hooker incapacitator", its made in Germany.
Ugly woman: Check. Huge boots: Check. Traction device on rollers: Check. Extreme safety hazard: Check.
She obviously doesn't realise that kneeling down is the preffered method for giving head.
You look like you're having a bad day, so watch me turn this clown...upside down! And torture him until he fucking talks.
The new high tech seats President Obama donated to AIG executives arrived today...
Hey You....UNABOMBER PIC......The One With A Million Different Names.......Get A Life!...Okay....What Were We Talking About Again??? Oh Yeah....BOOBIES!!!!!
PLAYSTATION 4 may be cumbersome but just wait 'til you see the graphics on the new Tomb Raider!
The Segway Series III is a bit more difficult to operate than the previous models, but with all the accessories, who can complain?
Clinical trials for cuban heels on ventriloquist dummies have to cover all the bases.
"I assure you Mrs Johnson, this is exactly how the stairlift is meant to work!"
Is it just me, or did Cracked get a FACEBOOK makeover. (i haven't been here in a few)
When seeking plastic surgury in Mexico it's important to get the proper translation for the word "LIFT"!
What are you talking about 'uncomfortable'? Do you know how much those sex apparatuses are at the store?
The Robot Wrestling Federation showed no mercy. Seen here is their #1 Wrestler, ComputeThis, doing a piledriver on a human slave who did not bow down!
This is how Ken chose to end his life after Barbie ran off with his brother
This ride simulates what it would be like to be pushed off a balcony strapped to a chair.
This is what would happen if the Mythbusters got stuck on the island from Lost with Paris Hilton.
AND upside down you weigh 140lbs. sorry that took so long...maam?...MAAM!!..oh shit..
Fortunately, the inventors tested their new ab work out machine before they bought ad space on late night TV. It was, however, unfortunate for the illegal immigrant who signed up for the test.
Dude you were so high last night and...oh your still in the thing. Do you want me to let you out? Dude?
moments before launching, Stewart and his homemade space shuttle on his balcony. he's expected to reach the moon in 78 years.
Despite what his friend's said, Jimmie's caution over Jenna's invitation to come over that night were now vindicated...
And my wife said we should have gotten the Serta mattress! Put one in the win column for me!
With their budget way down, the Russian space agency has had to improvise on its training efforts.
The prototype for the new generation of leisure furniture were infact not comfortable or cost effective...
After her nasty breakup Sarah's therapist told her to get a new perspective on life.
Much to the dismay of his financiers, Eli Roth's Themed Spas did not get many return clients.
Michael Jackson's latest plastic surgery procedure still had a couple kinks to work out.
damm!, i guess i can't hide the body in this tool chest...........hmmm.....................nope but,..................nah it's kinda notiable
This is what happens when kids grow up watching shows like "Crash Test Dummies".
"hi, im the new dentist, are you comfortable""not really, isn't this a strange way to look at my teeth""well you see im a dwarf..." "oh" "....and my dicks low down"
In order to amp up the excitement, this is a prototype desinged to launch strippers from a giant cake.
And the race to destroy the 20 Japanese robots that are intent on killing us has officially begun.
It's sad when the bloody lady upside down in the wierd contraption is the second thing you notice.
Madonna'a unusual protest at her failed adoption bid failed to do convince them she was a "good" person
When my husband said, "Don't buy a Chinese cyber-sex machine", I thought he was just being a dikkhed like usual...
So doctor do you think the procedure is working? "only time will tell..." What?
I know everything's cooler upside down, but what's it supposed to be upside up!
And how does this amazing weight loss treatment work you ask? ITS SIMPLE! Just have 2 friends hold you upside down by your ankles, get a 3rd friend to secure the 42 safety straps, attach the clamps to your fingers and nipples, simply ask a 4th friend
There is so much going on here that I can't even think of a funny craption.
"Dammit! i need to pee..." this is wath she said before her face turned like that.
Okay Apple I think you have gone far enough with the I-float.... nice boots though
When Susie told me the scientist was a little 'upside-down', I didn't think she meant it literally...
A file photo of a revolutionary, new technique to help one get over their fear of (being upside-down/bondage fetishes/anything Japanese).
Each cell at Guantanamo Bay has it's own balcony, and a special "hammock" provided by the staff...
after Jenny got her latest face lift she could only say one thing, "I regret nothing."
Because obviously, the only thing to do when trapped upside down in the luggage disposal system is to take advantage of the situation and ejaculate on your own face.
This may seem harsh but its the only way to prepare my interns for an actual job in the working world
The first terminator off the line was a crude and inefficient killing machine...
The housing market was ruined when Marilyn Manson became an interior decorator.
This is why the Total Gym doesn't sell: Chuck Norris is the only one who can get it set up, and that's only because he stares at it until it assembles itself.
Can I borrow yer dwarf washer when your done? My dwarf needs to be more aerodynamic in time for competition!
Hanibal Lectors method of inducing pregnancy never made it past the clinical trials.....
Chris Angel (AKA "a huge Douche") died today practising his next stunt. We'll tell you more on the nightly news a 9:00.
"I think we're on to something with this design. We just need to figure out a way to uncover the crotch, and this sixty-nine machine will make us millionaires!"
In upside down universe, Jeffrey Dahmer is more famous than George Foreman and landed the indoor grill endorsement.
Mervin's attempt at auto erotic asphyxiation was successful, by some definitions...
After you've strapped your self in and turned it on, this cutting edge machine will give you such excruciating nausea that you'll completely forget that our economy has gone to shit!
- And that, Billy, is how kids are made. Do you understand now? - I'm scared mommy... - Good, Billy, that's good.
Nope, not even from this angle can I understand why so many people would choose the SAME DAMN PICTURE OF THE UNABOMBER TO REPRESENT THEM.
I don't know what is more disturbing, the horrible robot humping, or those boots.
The new deskjet laser printer is so advanced it can even crap a douchebag out of its boot-shaped vagina.
I WENT TO THE DENTIST MY TATTOIST RECOMMENDED TO ME AND HE DIDNT TELL ME THE CHICK WAS A DOMINATRIX SPECIALIST TOO
This invention of mine really takes the strain out of putting on calf high goth-boots! Gravity does the work for you.
that glueing yourself to the celing stuff from the commercial works after all!
Man goes crazy and needs to be restrained after hearing "I'm into nuggets y'all" too many times
"doctor... is it really necessary?" "of course it is! it's the part of our new flu terrapy" "i'd rather take a flu shot" "we're out of stock" "then i have no other options, i guess? but... are these domina-boots so important?" "yes"
When Guantanamo Bay was shut down, torture equiptment were an instant success on Ebay.
Bob just had to have that new infomercial exercise gadget, but soon it was in the closet with all the others.
Bob just had to have that new infomercial exercise gadget, but within a month it was stuck in a closet like all the others.
"We'll never make it to the subway station on time!" "Don't worry, I know a shortcut."
November 2009
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