schadenfreude9
Gulliver never recorded the fact that he was gang raped in captivity by the Lilliputians
phreesh
It's important to educate people about prostate cancer. But not that important.
jurisprudence
Giant hunting has been outlawed in most countries, but Japan has yet to ban it
Aes
This year in history Santa's minions conquered the greatest threat to their toy empire: Nintendo.
COITUS
In other news the rouge maceys parade blimp is in custody today after a gut wrenching three day stand off. Sources tell us the crack SWATT (Santa's With Attitude Tactics and Trouble) team is credited with bringin down the criminal.
Finto
The annual cum-shot world championships.This years theme: Elves whacking off to Santa and Mrs.Clause gettin jiggy with it !
Vagabundo
Gulliver never thought the love of a hundred midgets could fulfill his most forbidden desires. He felt loved for the first time.
MasterBates
It was always a chore to hold Paul Bunyan's Hair back after he'd been drinking to much
Cheekstheclown
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade received a lot of heat for having a balloon to theme of "Cowboy Prison Bitch"
CaptainCarl
Santa's elves attempt to get him up and ready for Christmas after a night of WAY too much eggnog
AwakeAllTheTime
And on the 2nd day, God said unto them, "gather round and behold the burning bush."
Fkelleghan
I believe in God, and I believe in Santa, but the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.
capricia13
The year Santa required a team of elves and pulleys to get his suit on, he knew he had to go on a diet.
pcyopick
After years of running after Princess Peach, Mario wasn't about to get off her until he was finished.
safetoeat
2059: people get bored of capturing god, and leave him in the middle of a 4 way intersection.
haefi
The reenactment celebrating yesterdays Captions 1 day anniversary failed miserable.
gordi
Head Elf: Why weren't you at elf practice? Hermey: Just examinin' this dolls' prostate. Head Elf: Just examinin'...? Now listen, we have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any dolls with prostate issues! Herm
gordi
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; An inflatable Mario he'd tied to the ground, So his horny old elves would have something to pound.
fathacal
Choosing Yosemite Sam as her next monster was a low point in Rita's campaign against the Power Rangers. His demise at the hands of mall santas led to a more stringent application process.
Indigo_Dingo
An army of Spider-mans fighting a giant....this might be the most awesome Craption ever.
Leaf
The Shrek balloon is coming up fast, ready to stick his finger in this guy's ass....
capricia13
Somewhere beneath the heaving balloon, George finds himself in the depth of his worst nightmares.
Cheekstheclown
Moments later a dump truck plowed through the green light and killed everyone.
Mudslingshot
And then, a series of actions that onlookers could only describe as "ant rape" occurred.
haefi
I had the brilliant idea of copying one of yesterdays Craptions, but everyone else was faster.
shaker28
"Are we SURE that Brokeback Mountain is an appropriate float for the Christmas parade?"
rendinho
In true Christmas spirit, the community came to Rosie's aid when she and her new show flopped.
hobojesus
Apparently, God didn't create man in his image. Turns out, he created Super Mario in his image.
penismighty
Alright guys, you've been trying to get this float up since Christmas, anytime now...
JadeDruid
Woody's ego deflated after being told that no more Toy Story Movies would be made.
smilingphantom
The doctors got into a festive mood this year while performing Paul Bunyans prostate exam
fairies74
"YAY! Santa brought me the world's largest blow up doll for Christmas just like I asked!!!!!"'
SUPERNAUT44
You know whats funny? No matter how funny your craption is, if you post it at 3:03, then you're SOL. As for the inflatable dude, I guess Cracked tapped into the same photo album as yesterday
tiz
HOLY SHIT, this is a one way road get Paul Bunyan out of the way before a car comes!
kirpuff
Some call it barbaric, but one wayward giant will feed this tribe for the rest of the winter
BobMaster
-"Hey Jerry.... what about that sign over there?" -"Don't worry about that, it doesn't apply to us" -"Thank god, I was afraid we were going to have to stop fisting"
Sedul
Now all we need is a gigantic banana float to make this picture much more interesting
famajah
"Dammit, Mr. Clause, when you told us to move your latest victim, you could've at least given us a heads up that he was a fucking GIANT!"
linx
father: "And that's why they've not had a Macy's Thanksgiving parade in 42 years." son: "But dad, did all of those people really die?!" father: "Of course not, the demon float only got to about 1500 before the santa swat got 'em."
shaker28
"Remember to hold on tight, everyone! It's a long balloon flight to the North Pole!"
WLTwitch
Not only does cigarettes cause Cancer it also causes Gigantism. Look what happened to the Marlboro man.
SHOTOVER
the "balloon hunt" after macy's thanksgiving day parade was stopped after only one year, do to too many mothers having to shield their childs eyes
ritsuka
"Going the wrong way down a street could be dangerous in Elftown. Even more dangerous if you're a cowboy."
CurtDog
The santas at the mall were not happy when the attention of the children went to the blowup toy across the street.
YogSothoth
In other news: Thirty-five died when a drunk giant fell into the croud of onlookers at this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
Oughttobenought
2059: The year man runs out of things to do with God, and decides to release him back into the wild.
jone2tone
Norm found himself second guessing the inflatable woman doll for the stag party a few minutes too late.
Mr.Lumberjack
After the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man incident, all precautions must be taken.
ridethewalrus
After her ratings tanked, Rosie Odonnell went on a bender and had to be dragged back by the paiges
KillerPineapple
Paul Bunyan's bowels clenched and he doubled over in pain, unable to delay the impending diarrhea despite the army of spider-men on hand. There were no survivors.
xxpat8man8xx
This is the great reanactment of the Santa Vs. God Wars of the year 2060, and so far, Santa's getting what he wants for Christmas.
Mope777
And then the proctologist from "Fantastic Journey" multiplied and began to wreak havoc on inflatable ass everywhere.
julesrules
Uh...oh god. What IS that smell? 50ft Brokeback Mountain Cowboy...was that you?
gtrplyr515
And hence, shortly after the capture of the previous day, Santa sent forth his minions to take on his arch enemy, God.
HamBaconEgg
Hi, I come in peace, my name is Peter Parker and I'm looking for my friend Gullive....aaaargh... wait... n. waaaait. DON'T TASE ME BRO!!!
FloydotheGreat
This is why Bruce Campbell will no longer dress up as Santa, then gaze at his reflection in a broken mirror!
UncleBear
Tired of Captain America's snotty attitude, Santa's elves overpower him and prepare to give him the anal probe of a lifetime.
Cela
Finally, the Santa-Anorexic drill team subdues their enormous mentor but not before he copulates with the elm Tree at First and Broadway
clamcaravan
Buffeted and finally grounded by high winds, the Paul Bunyan balloon's helium valve somehow became lodged in the Salvation Army float's exhaust pipe in a missionary sort of position.
bretmford
These people never heard the old "Trojan Horse" story, ahhhhh hell, let 'em find out the hard way.
Crosis88
"There are five levels of fatness. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and DAMN!" - Gabriel Iglesias
UncleByBlood
Despite repeated attempts, the idiots of team 6 still couldn't figure out how to properly display the float.
UncleByBlood
Relieved to be finished with their embarrassing task, they just left the balloon figure on the side of the street.
azow
We can never anticipate the unseen good or evil that may come upon us suddenly out of space.
UncleByBlood
This years inflation team decided on a rather unorthodox, and, I might add, inappropriate method of blowing up the balloon.
mmereggie
"...and so the elves revolted against Santa's tyranny, tied him down, and left him on display for all the world to mock him. The End." - and excerpt from the rarely read 'Twas the Night After Christmas.
bydonn
So, THIS is how many Lilliputians it takes to get Gulliver to cross the road......
kjburke
Paul Bunyan died with his boots on. What happened after that was between him and God.
popmaker
Santa Claus has a drinking problem. Unfortunately Santa Claus is very large. And, unfortunately, Santa Claus has a one-day-a-year job.
Izlude
Apparently Santa got a hamster stuck in his anus, and the elves are all playing paper/rock/scissors to determine who has to go in to retrieve it
goonfeld
"Give me my fuckin toy santa, your making me mad, and you wouldn't like me when im mad."
mabogo
Well, we've gotta get him up somehow...See if anybody in the crowd had 'Taco Bell' last night......
Leaf
"Okay, let's lift him up." "Samantha, why is your voice so high and squeaky?" "Ummmm... no reason..." "OH... MY... GOD.... you've been sucking his giant inflatable dick, haven't you?!?!"
pharmmajor
Sadly, Helium Man failed to make the draft as he wasn't the tight end the team was looking for.
famajah
"Hey, what the hell're we supposed to do with this inflatable gay cowboy sex doll?" "I dunno, just pull it around.."
TheSnacker
...and at the end of every thanksgiving, the Santas come out and devour the fallen.
ClintBeastwood
"I heard Elton John is playing Santa this year"... "Yeah, and he's skydiving in for effect"....... "But....where is he gonna land??.....
shaker28
Celebrate Christmas this year with an inflatable God. Have a Nativity scene? Well, now it's a Christ Family Reunion!
mabogo
Horribly embarrassed at having been singled out by the 'Shrek' balloon, Mikey opened up a can of 'whoop-ass' on an unsuspecting Raggedy Andy balloon to show them he was not to be trifled with....
MindStorm_cro
Timmy,do you understand now what happens if you leave eggnog instead of milk?
WLTwitch
It may seem wrong, but I had a good laugh when Paul Bunyan fell over drunk and crushed the parade float carrying retarded children on their way to see Santa at Macy's.
WLTwitch
This picture is from when I fell on my Grandpa's scale model city. Boy was he pissed!
darthtanion
In the future proctology examinations will be carried out by nano-bots. The Santa hats will only be used during the festive season.
bamentt
All you red shirted people: Once he gets going, you need to help him thrust harder or he won't cum.
Leaf
How is this balloon similiar to a real cowboy?? Neither of them want a little prick.
Dr.Pepper
This is the most embarassing float in the parade. It's not even 9:30 AM and he's drunk. Next year, I'm with Big Bird.
thegreenmerc
No no NO! Can't you read the sign? This is a one way street. Turn it around you idiots!
NotMike
After 'naughty' Timmy said he wanted a new bike, Santa's elves made damn sure he wasn't gonna get one.
Mr.Lumberjack
Ohhh what do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
NotMike
When Spider-Man gave away his web-spinning secret, even the most inflatable foe was easily defeated by the common man.
KillerPineapple
Pikmin 3 for the Nintendo Wii had a noticeably darker tone than its predecessors.
KillerPineapple
The foolish giant tried to make a left turn and paid dearly for not obeying the street signs.
mirielle
Breaking News: Finally snapping due to pre-Christmas stress, Santa released a mutant reindeer, held back by caroling elves, onto a group of orphans at a parade.
BayArea
The Elves said "Fuck You!" as they pull down on anybody that was superior to them.
SlightlyNormal
In the future, civil servants will remember to place the manhole covers back.
lilcletus
This is the year where hope fails u... the test subjects run the experiments... and the bastard u know is the hero u hate! lol i dunno... its a big man with little men around it
Cela
While being secured by the Anorexic-Santa Drill team, their enormous mentor copulates with the elm tree at First and Broadway.
UncleBear
Will the Japanese guy masturbating to this... PLEASE STOP FOR CRISSAKES?!?! You're starting to frighten us.
Mothershabooboo
"Come on guys! Who forgot to shave the invlateable cowboy's back before deflation last year?"
JTSmith769
Even all the santa manpower in the state couldn't pry the rapist blow up doll of the suprised and lonely sex shop customer.
smt28
Apparently getting Paul Bunnion ready for the proctologist would be harder than first imagined
mariam67
In retrospect, Jeff realized that asking for an enormous, unconscious, fat drunk wasn't one of his better decisions.
NeverLetGo
Stop, sir, in the name of the traffic law! You're going the wrong way down a one-way street!
Fkelleghan
They had to capture him, because he can't be reasoned with or bargained with. He doesn't feel pain, or pity, or remorse.
UncleByBlood
When told to "blow up the balloon", the latent perversion of inflation team 5 became brutally apparent, much to the chagrin of shocked onlookers.
mr_nuts
Santa secretly trained a bunch of spider man clones to take down the army of cowboy Giants
DemonG
2059: Lewd pictures of God found on 4Chan, forever proving Rule 34's infallibility.
saikomonk
To appease the Christmas Giant, many virgins dressed as Santa must be Sacrificed to the Jolly Brown Eye for another happy holiday Season.
sidhedarkness
I understand that Tim Allen should never be allowed to voice a cowboy... but why are they wearing elf outfits.
uzielis
On the seventh day, Goliath rested, went to the bathroom, and gave birth to another Santa Claus clone.
Frankenstud
In a last ditch effort to revive santa from his hangover, the elite team of Spiderman Elves were called to action.
Toxicity
"So, Santa... who are we delivering the giant blow-up doll to again? Shit. Someone use the Garmin on the sleigh."
Aderas
The festivities came to a sudden end as the Bearded Dragon that lived in Zhulu's back incinerated the other line dancers.
zipwolf
"You know steve, I think you're getting your quotes mixed up. It was 'Squeal piggy, squeal', and 'Drill baby, drill'..."
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