Tedious articles and exhausting books and long 140-character tweets might be OK for the do-nothing nerdmotrons throwing nerd raves over at the Nerd Bonanza, but that's not you; you're a busy, dynamic decision-maker on the go. You can't spend all your time at the library, because your time is valuable, because time is money, and money is valuable, and libraries smell like pee, and pee is for quitters. No, you need your information so fast that you won't even read a tweet unless it's a screencapped image of that tweet (and even then, you sort of skim the hashtags). This is for you, you beautiful, sexy, illiterate problem-solver. Don't have time to read the rest of this article? Don't bother. Hell, even if you didn't have time to live during 2012, the following images should sum it up for you nicely. You're welcome.
Years from now, we'll look back on the first two weeks of May 2012 as the block of time when the world stood still. There were no blind Chinese dissidents sparking an international diplomatic crisis, no major elections in France or Russia, no discoveries of decapitated drug cartel victims in Nuevo Laredo, no civilian casualties killed during air strikes, no news anywhere. Which is why Time magazine bravely created their own news by shrinking a war vet and hooking him up with a super-toned yoga instructor named Jamie. How Time magazine lost the Nobel Prize for its shrink ray is beyond us.
This was, by the way, the only Time cover to feature a woman in the whole year.
Mark Seliger for Time
Also, Bill Clinton had the audacity to rip off Cracked's signature format.
How badly did Time miss the mark with this particular picture? In 2012, a member of the House of Representative's Committee on Science, Space and Technology publicly and tragically misunderstood how pregnancy works, a female attorney specializing in women's rights was barred from testifying before Congress on contraceptive availability, leaving the entire panel of experts male, and the past two years have seen a record number of pieces of legislation restricting reproductive rights. All that to say that the last thing on anyone's mind is how long pretty blonde women choose to breastfeed their enormous sons. It's up there with asparagus recipes, your weirdest skin tags and Star Wars on the list of things I couldn't care less about.
Yet here's Time magazine, trying to pick a fight among women who are already so worked up about other issues that they didn't even know pre-kinder breastfeeding was a thing. Which makes Time magazine like a playground instigator, running back and forth and talking smack between two kids who have no reason to fight each other (because they're already getting the crap beat out of them by actual bullies). And also why I picked Time's picture of a woman breastfeeding her 3-year-old as the perfect picture for 2012 -- it's a distraction. I don't know about you, but I was so distracted this year that-
It's still really cool that there's a robot on Mars, and I'll probably be pointing that out until it's no longer really cool. We've also walked on the moon a couple times. That's pretty cool, y'all.
"It's actually pretty cold, y'all!"
Pretty cold indeed, Britney. Pretty cold indeed.
Every picture like this is kind of amazing. Not the photo of you being cold, Britney, but the one of the freaking robot on Mars. The one that parachutes onto planets and shoots lasers. Just a few weeks ago, the robot scooped up five piles of red Mars dirt and put them into five quartz cups. It then heated these five dirt-filled cups to about 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit (816 degrees Celsius) and analyzed the contents, because the robot tank we have on Mars has an entire science lab inside it. Pretty cool thing about our robot tank, huh, former pop sensation Britney Spears?
It seems like there is more and more discussion of science these days, partially for political reasons, but also because the Internet is just fast, and everywhere. I mean, information is available at practically the speed of light now. It also just so happens that science is cool, so those cool things get to more people faster. Like this picture of the Higgs boson, also from this year. I think that the more we continue to see from Curiosity and the rest of science's amazing discoveries, then the more people like you, Britney Spears from FOX's The X Factor, will be interested. And from that will come better public knowledge and education, which might make for some better-informed decisions re: the future of our species. Because we've seriously got an excitable nerd problem:
NASA / JPL Caltech
"We did it! We high-fived!"
Oh, and I didn't mean to address all readers as a cold Britney Spears during this whole segment. It just sort of happened. Sorry.
Weeeeeeee hahaha look at that!
As a society, we're constantly finding new, significant dates to forecast the endtimes. Just over a decade ago, there was Y2K. Then there was that time a few random months after Y2K (Y2May?), where we just sort of held on to our freakouts like psychological leftovers. As though somebody may have simply forgotten to carry the 1 when prophesying Judgment Day. But now it's the big one: The Mayan apocalypse. December 21, 2012. I'm sure that, in every apocalyptic scare, people have found false significance in the events unfolding around them in order to lend credence to their fears and superstitions.
They probably didn't need a lot of help this year, when they saw this photo of the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, showing the largest, most vibrant city in America, looking for all the world like a screencap from the next Fallout game.